go to: www.livejournal.com/users/mellowyellohkim i have to do some work with my tblog account
-is it worth it- can you even hear me-
07.22.05 (7:02 pm) [edit]Hey kids- another entry- so soon :0
Well today was my first official day of work. The first day of my second job, which is as a cashier at Forever 21 at the Annapolis Mall. I went for an interview on Monday and got the job. I was supposed to start on wednesday but that didn't work out so I was supposed to start yesterday. That also didn't work out because of scheduling issues, which Donna didn't tell me about on wednesday. I worked from about 3:30 to a little before 10:30 when it was all said and done. I had to stand around for the first forty five mins. while Donna was on the phone/messing up my paperwork. She thought my name was Stevie for awhile because she'd been looking at the wrong application. That can be my new nickname. The store is going through "managerial changes" once again and they've been under staffed. Until they hire more people I'm probably going to have to work nights. She put me right on the cash register and I was the only one for the night. She had me close out the register (aka deal with the money) at the end of the night, which I didn't feel 100% comfortable doing/being responsible for- yeah, yeah preposition at the end of a sentence. She also had me call this girl who submitted an application. She told me to leave a message as her about the girl coming in for an interview- I thought that was a bit strange. All in all the first day (night) was fine. I work tomorrow 2-close. I'll work about four weeks and then give my two weeks notice. At this point it isn't all that worth it to have a job across the bay, but whatever.
The majority of the people who work at Forever 21 (I mean just the Annapolis one) are Latino or Asian. Most of the latinos actually "work the store," stock and make everything look "pretty." I try to eavesdrop and pick out what I remember from three years of Spanish, which ended about three years ago. -Today (fridays) are black on black, which I didn't know since I worn brown on denim. Saturdays are white and black and then sundays are white on denim. I guess those are the busiest days and they want everyone to look uniform. Ah Miss Kim- she's the lady who usually gives you a number for the dressing room. She asked me where I was from in her broken English and we both eventually understood that we're both Korean. She then proceeded to ask me something in Korean and then I had to tell her that I don't speak Korean. She gave me a second of silence followed by a puzzled/brush me off type expression. I later asked her where she was from and after two or three rounds I found out that she's from Seoul and I told her that I was going to the Busan area. There are going to be a lot of Miss Kims (figuratively and literally) in Korea... -I was born a Kim but then again most Koreans are Kims.
Other then the work situation finally coming to fruition not much is poppin. I'm still waiting on my AP score. I was going to succumb to the phone report service (aka give them $8 for them to tell me over the phone what my score is)today but given my SS # they couldn't locate my score. Oh well. I don't really care so much about the score itself but it's just because I didn't have the best Euro. experience --teacher. Congratulations Courtney on your 4s- especially in bio- take that Ross!! Haha.
Oh man. Last night I was up combing through my old journals (hand-written ones) from up to about three years ago- August 2003. I was going to write one last night but I just ended up reading through the old ones. The "oldest" one is an actual journal, the second one is more of a note book and now the newest one is a smaller felt bound one. Journal number four will be reserved for Korea. It was pretty interesting to re-read some of the entries. The oldest entry was from just before we moved to Maine- about two weeks before. It was alittle crazy for me to think that there I was writing about moving to Maine and here I am now back in Maryland- three years later. Re-reading I definitely feel like I'm much more "mature" these days. I am so glad that I'm not the person that I was three, four, five years ago. Reading some of the things actually made me cry. Then part of me just wants to burn them. It's just a feeling of wow all those things happened, all those things changed, people changed, I changed, situations and places changed and wow to look back and see where I am today, geeze. In many respects at this point I turned out to be a lot of everything I never wanted/always said I'd never "be," but I don't consider it a mistake. I can't look back anymore and I don't necessarily want to either. Things are only moving forward. Toward the end of the second journal I wrote a recollection of memories from the earliest thing I can remember up to about ninth grade since not much happened in tenth and eleventh and twelfth were/are pretty well chronicled online. I started printing out the online entries from 2004 onward while in the rental in ME but that would take forever even thought I'd love a hard copy of all the online entries. I used to write an entry in a journal and then transfer it over to the blog but I've gotten so slack about writing on the blog and then hand writing it in a journal.
I don't know- lately it's not that it's been hitting me but I'm really realizing how necessary it is for/everyone to just put yourself out there. I don't regret who I was so much or what I chose to do and not do but thinking back there were a lot of times where me being me got in the way me putting myself out there. I am ready to be more outgoing and to seriously just "put myself out there." It's been a long time comin.
In other news- Alexandra and I were supposed to get together recently but unfortunately that flopped due to me- my parents. I'm so sorry Alexandra- and especially about letting you know I couldn't go so late notice!! They weren't so keen on me driving to Frederick or toward Baltimore even though I thought they would. It was basically my mom and the fact that at that point my front tires were in bad shape and our health insurance hasn't kicked in yet because of the move. I am really hoping to drum up some mastermind idea to convince them to let me drive to Frederick before the end of August. Dianna and I had a nice phone conversation earlier this week- those are the times when I wish I could just crawl through the phone lines. I finally got a hold of Hellen too and she thought about coming down last night but it was too last min. to get out of work and I worked today anyway. We're going to try for sometime this week- hopefully. She's going to drive down/over here, which is awesome and so appreciated. Ok this entry turned out to be longer than anticipated.
On another note- lately I miss you, but I've moved on- finding out lie after lie wasn't so fun:
"My love is like the sun that warms me when I am cold,
And like the cool water of the brook that refreshes me
My love knows the secret pleasures of my soul,
And delights with me in fulfilling them.
Who is my love but the soul of my soul,
And the reason for every beat of my heart.
Who fills me with life in the joy of her presence,
And returns to me more than I have given.
Come to me, my love, I die without you.
Each day is eternity, waiting for your touch.
Remove the tears from my eyes and the ache from my heart,
Be closer than my breath, all my days, all my nights."
-Obviously I didn't write this because it's by Phillip Varady Sr. (Excerpted from The Stonebearers) = lie # 24?- who knows...
it's going to be a long flight...
07.20.05 (5:25 pm) [edit][i]Travel[/i] by Edna St. Vincent Millay
(found in collection of her poetry given to me by Helen)
The railroad track is miles away,
And the day is loud with voices speaking,
Yet there isn't a train goes by all day
But I hear its whistle shrieking.
All night there isn't a train goes by,
Though the night is still for sleep and dreaming
But I see its cinders red on the sky,
And hear its engine steaming.
My heart is warm with the friends I make,
And better friends I'll not be knowing,
Yet there isn't a train I wouldn't take,
No matter where it's going.
wow- randomocity
07.14.05 (5:49 pm) [edit]Two entires in the same week- ah the horror!
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It's only 11:00 but I'm actually kind of tired. Still no job. I'm realizing that I'm not very fun to me around- well generally. My mom recently said how she was surprised that I considered myself friendly because she said that I was so standoff-ish. I am shy and serious but I'd still much rather goof off. There are two people that I can be with and have no reservations whatsoever. You know who you are- well one of you does because the other doesn't spend much time online. I don't know- I have the chronic problem of living inside my own head- way too much. It's times like these that I miss you the most. You're probably in Chicago like you said you'd be this summer. How can I miss something that didn't/doesn't even exist? Less than eight weeks until "no dryer." I need to find my tent and "camp out" in the yard before too long. The stars are beautiful here since there's virtually no lights around. I asked and I found out that I do have to take the new SAT to apply for fall 2006. So basically my re-take of the "old" SAT was a big waste of time and money. Still no sign of AP exam score. My teacher looked like Andy Dick. Awhile back Cameron Diaz was on Inside The Actor's Studio and I liked her response to the question: If there is a "heaven" what would you like God to say at the pearly white gates?" She said: "Nice try." I guess you could interpret that two ways. One being nice try as in "nice try sucka but you're not getting in" and the other being "nice try at life." She meant the latter. I re-read Harry Potter 5 this week. Number 6 comes out in two days. I love it. I pre-ordered a copy. I remember being out in Iowa this time two years ago when # 5 came out having not read them and two years later I'm sucked in. I actually like the book that the church in Maine gave me for graduation. It's [i]My Climb Out of Darkness[/i]by Karen Armstrong. In a lot of ways I see myself in her story. The book is only a little over three hundred pages but the print is very small so it's more of a slow read. Still, she definitely has a distinct way with words and you could say that she's an artist who uses words as her paint. She really has a command on her words just like Flavio Risech did in his essay [i]Political and Cultural Cross-dressing[/i]. I read in his essay during first semester English at USM this past school year. He described marriage as the "ultimate accessory of heterosexual couture." That might have more of an impact on you reader if you've read the essay but I won't ramble into the essay but still what a powerful phrase. I'm really glad that in so many ways I've left who I was three or four years ago. Thinking back it was so much "work" and so burdensome to want to have answers to everything. I couldn't live like that now. I nearly drove myself crazy. It is a great freedom to know that I no longer think that my life will be a huge failure if I don't do something "huge" to alter the world. I think I am a lot nicer of a person then I was back then. Back to the Cameron Diaz thing: from time to time I think about "heaven." We really don't have anyway of "knowing" anything for certain. Sometimes I really do consider the thought of reincarnation but much more often I think that we just become part of that something greater that we came from, were and always will be. In all honesty my own death doesn't seem so scary. I actually haven't had/haven't given enough time to examining why Christianity isn't for me. However one good thing that I believe about the whole matter is that Christ is "true love" and that the cruxifiction was/is a direct symbol of the all encompassing love and so if people want to believe in that then it is good. In someways I think not trying to reexamine everything and everything that I was/am and everything I believed/believe has helped me to actually look at myself etc. with more honesty than before. I really do worry about everything. For so long I always tried to deny it. I guess it was the other day that I thought my closet was kind of cluttered. Then my mind when to how I'm going to feel when my parents die and I have to go through all their stuff. Save, get rid of- they have so much stuff. I don't know- it's a bit disturbing that I think of those sorts of things at times. Ok- I really didn't think the entry was going to end up here.
who died and made you such an asshole
07.11.05 (6:04 pm) [edit]I'm not really angry or anything but I've always wanted to ask who died and made you such an asshole- no not you specfically of course! Anyway- I'm eating more of my little watermelon because my tooth hurts- exciting huh? It's the tooth next to my right front tooth. My mom could tell me what number it is. The dentist in Maine told me to get my wisdom teeth out before Korea or "You'll be in for a lot of pain and suffering." -I'm still jobless: and I thought finding my first job up in Maine was a bitch! The only money I've gotten this summer so far has been from graduation, birthday and from selling mine and my dad's cds on Amazon. God bless Amazon for my $132-something so far from the cds.
Right now I'm applying online for CVS at the Annapolis Mall. I applied to a couple of places there. I've been over there three times in the past three weeks. Once with my mom for my mom, once I took my grandmother to Nordstrom's and then back with my mom for both of us. I'm a tight wad- always have been and always will be. I went into Charlotte Russe to apply and I got these light olive green "hobbit" pants because they were on sale. I guess they are supposed to be bermuda shorts but on me the hit just below the knee so I look like a hobbit.
More "aches and pains:" my back is really hurting because I was pulling weeds again for two hours in the sun. Why am I complaining tonight? I didn't get to bed until 3 am last "night." I was replying to some e-mails. http://iiihr.autoffice.co.kr" title="http://iiihr.autoffice.co.kr" target="_blank"http://iiihr.autoffice.co.kr - click on Board and then Album or Free Talk. Evidently the IIIHR website (the Korea program) has a message board up and so the fall semester adoptees have begun to post. No reply back from Mike who e-mailed asking if I was doing the program for sure. I got an e-mail from Robin who's doing the program. I then send out an e-mail to all the participants on the mailing list. I checked out the posts and it's crazy that everything is coming together. So far the participants that I know of are: Robin, Mike, Greg (wan ts to play on the Inje U. soccer team), Marissa, Sue Anne, Mick (says "har,har,har" a lot) and Katherine. Two of them have already been back to Korea at least once and Robin e-mailed me back and she's 24 and from NJ. Based on past semesters I figured that I'd be one of the younger participants . This time in eight weeks I will most likely be in Korea. I know- holy shit. It hit me awhile back but now that all the adoptees are a-buzz with conversation it's really coming up fast. It may sound silly but I'm already missing home. I have been for awhile. I am excited about going and I am going to go for sure. Sometimes though I just don't want to go at all. I really am so nervous. I guess it's just one of those times where I have to suck up my fear and go for it. I know I am going to be so homesick. Evidently we'll have quite a bit of free time in between teaching classes, taking "classes" etc. I definitely don't want this trip to just be a "vacation." I'm hoping that I become close to another adoptee or with my roommate. My roommate will probably be a Korean student but it could be another adoptee.
I've got a running list of things I need to bring with me. I finally broke down and bought the belt bag from UrbanO onl ine since it wasn't going on sale. -I also pre-ordered a copy of Harry Potter 6 tonight and so it'll be at my house on the release day. Courtney- I know you'll share in my excitement! Congrats and getting a job mi amor! Don't steal any jewelery- hehe. I went to my cousin's house outside of Baltimore on Saturday and he just recently got back from Italy and Switzerland- I was so jealous! The pictures from Venice were the best. He asked what was up with Harry Potter and so I proceeded to fill him in but it sounded so funny- full body laugh.-
Back to the Korea craziness: I got my official acceptance letter today in the mail along with a magazine they put together with previous participant's testimonials- a few of which I had spoken with/seen pics. We were talking about it tonight at dinner and somehow my nervousness came up. It's just that sometimes I just want to cry. The other night I actually did- not in front of anyone. I mean I am still definitely excited about the whole experience but I am so uneasy. Just my nature to feel that way? I think the realization of how close it is makes me more uneasy. My mom said something about how she'd feel more uneasy about everything if I had any doubts.
The feeling for me now is kind of like standing on the edge of a cliff or anything for that matter and having from my head down to my ankles falling forward with just my feet still firmly planted. Can you picture that? Still there is no way that I'm not going. My mom said that if after a month if I am mentally sick of it then I should just call and come home early. I have to stick it out no matter what and if I just don't go at all then I'd lose my deposit of $600 and that wouldn't be fun. I don't know. I shouldn't be that nervous, should I? Plus, I can't really pin-point exactly why I have such anxiety about it all. I guess I could back out and stay here and work for a full year but what would the point of that be- I can't back out. Plus, if I did then the first thing I see is how disappointed my dad would be. I don't know.
I fly out from BWI on August 29th with my cousin. She found reasonably priced airfare at skyauctions.com. She hasn't given me the full itinerary yet but then again she hasn't asked for a check yet either- hehe. I still haven't gotten my passport back yet. I have to get that back before I send for my visa. The participants were posting about dealing with money over there and having problems with their visas. A family friend gave me Korean bills for graduation and so I'm sure those will help out. I'll probably bring a credit/debit card and traveler's checks. I'm just hoping that getting my visa doesn't delay anything. I've been in contact with the coordinator, Hee Jung, more lately and now I have to send her six passport size photos.
I've heard that everyone from English Town (dorm) goes on a "training" weekend but it's actually a drinking/game thing. The Koreans love to drink!! The whole drinking scene will be quite interesting for me to navigate. I'm going to join some clubs over there. I know I'll do calligraphy and I might try Taekwando again. I am definitely going to make use of their weight room- get "buff." I am still looking forward to teaching English to the U. students and getting into a routine of sorts- day-to-day things over there.
My dad asked my tonight if I was going to try and find my biological mother since the program is helpful with all of that. I said it would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack- a really big haystack at that. Kim, Deok Im- that's her. I guess if the opportunity to run a search comes up I'll take it but for a long time now I don't need to find her to fulfill anything. She's not my "mother" anyway. Plus, I'm more interested in finding my biological brother but I don't know his name. I sometimes do wonder just out of curiosity whether I do look like my biological parents and which one I look most like. Sometimes I wonder if you could tell whether my biological brother and I were/are siblings. Those are things that I will probably never know but all is well just the same.
I'm going to try my very best to write in a journal every night and then post the entries on tblog and livejournal so it'll be like you're in Korea with me. & nbsp;
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Not too long ago I started writing out thoughts for my college essay. I've known for a long while that I wanted to write about being adopted. I've decided to stay in-state to save on tuition. My first choice is U. MD- College Park and then Salisbury where my brother goes. I might go to U. MD this week for a tour of the campus- everyone I've talked to says it's nice. My brother applied there and did the tour with my dad. I didn't really think that I'd want to go to such a big school but I think there will be more opportunities there. I do like Salisbury though- about 9,000 students and that's a good size. The Salisbury campus is nice and they do offer TESL while U. MD doesn't, but teaching ESL isn't necessarily my top career choice anyway. I like Salisbury but there isn't much to do off-campus and I think I'd rather go somewhere that I don't know specifically. I talked to my good friend's sister who will be a junior at U. MD this fall and she gave me a lot of insight. All in all I actually don't think that waiting to apply after I get back from Korea will affect my chances of getting in. She also said that she didn't think that the SAT was as big of a deal as what they claim. Still, I am definitely not 100% sure that I will get in there. I think it's about 55% chance that I'll get in. The freshmen class (excluding any tranfers) has room for about 4,100 students and the applicant pool is pretty large. On the other hand I don't have much of a reason to doubt that I'll get into Salisbury. I've pretty much made "peace" that I'm not going to the University of Pittsburgh and I'm not even going to apply there.
-Ending here for now... more job applications
& nbsp;
& nbsp; &n bsp; &nb sp; &nbs p; ;
move
06.22.05 (6:33 pm) [edit](Same entry as on the tblog account)
Yet again- where to start?
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I am officially in Queenstown (really Grasonville but specifically really Bryantown), MD. Quite a lot has happened in the past two weeks or so. The move back to Maryland went well all in all. I was really glad that we didn't drive down in one day even if the drive isn't too bad. We stayed a night in NY and then another night a few miles from here before we could move in. Things have come together pretty well. My brother has been home from Salisbury a few times. I'm still looking for a job. I've put in about ten applications so far. I'm really hoping to get this job at a bookstore near by. Ha- the Quizno's story goes like this: I went into Quizno's on monday around 1:30 and I asked for an application. This older guy (who I later found out is the owner) said- hey you want a job- I was like, umm I guess- a bit spur of the moment. I filled out the application quick and he said- ok be back here around 3 so the manager can start your training. So I go back at 3 and the manager is this relatively young girl. The owner pretty much throws a uniform on me and gives me a broom- start sweeping. The manager never introduced herself or told me much about the job, what I'd really be doing or anything about what I'd be making. No paperwork or anything. All of that was an immediate turnoff. I worked for a few hours but I won't be going back. - I'm actually still enjoying the unemployed life. -
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Rewind: Back to Graduation ~
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June 12th=Graduation from SHS. The actual ceremony went by really quickly. The only part I really remember about walking across the stage to get my diploma was being the next person to receive his or her diploma. My heart "fluttered" a bit and then that was that. Project Grad. was actually a good time. We went on the bay for about two hours. It was a bit weird, but good, how people that you knew but didn't "know" came up and were like, "Hey! How's it goin?!" "Looking back" it would have been so awesome had everyone been like that all the time- but I'm guilty of not being open enough too. I had a nice conversation with Ally Koenig who ran XC- it's always nice to have an "intelligent" conversation with someone who is down-to-earth. After the boat we went to a sport and fitness club in Saco. At that point it was past 12 and we were there until 4 am. Good times though. A few of us went to Zach's and his mom was so cute with breakfast. I drove back to Cape and then me being the crazy person that I am I went for a run down to the beach at 6:30 in the morning after a night of no sleep. My aunt left to go back to my cousin's house in NH and then I went to bed around 8:30. I slept until 12:30 and then went back to sleep until 5:30.
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Back to my freakin aunt again. Ugh.! I guess things actually haven't moved on much with her. She and my mom. She and my dad. Her- whatever. From the second she walked in the door on the day of graduation she was just totally cold. Half-ass hugs, half-ass everything. I really did want to ask what her problem was. She was just so uninterested and I had to shake that off for graduation. After all of us came out of Merrill after the ceremony she still gave me the cold shoulder and she wanted to leave. My parents, she, my brother and my grandmother left. I really did just want to cry- I just felt really shitty at that point. It was like- if she didn't want to come then she didn't have to. She didn't have to come and put a cramp in all of it. Evidently she is still mad at my dad for whatever the hell she's mad at him for. Geeze, I seriously don't think things will ever change. I really do think my mom has worked at trying to make things better. I really do give my mom a lot of credit with all of that. The day of graduation at church she "lifted up a thanksgiving" that my grandmother and my aunt would both be joining us for graduation. That made me cry. I don't know. Everythings old news in that department- glad that's vented.
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Back to the point that I wish I would have gotten to know people sooner and better. What was I doing the past three years?!!? Last tuesday most of the Maine ladies and I went to Pat's for a "farwell" (until the roadtrip) of sorts. I was really glad that we all were able to get together. A few of us went to the mall to do some errands. Steph gave me this cool photo album, which I've filled up about 3/4 of the way. Courtney gave me an awesome guide for Korea and the Christmas bufanda. When we were about to leave she started crying and then I started crying. I am so glad that she and I became close friends especially over the past year. She is such a sweetheart- deals with MiniB! Mi amor- CB! Helen wasn't able to make it to the lunch at Pat's :( so Sarita called Steve and he came. = Me grining- I must confess that I am "in love" with Steve "the Plebe" Hayworth. He is definitely someone that I wish I would have gotten to know better. We'll see how things go here in Maryland since he'll be in Annapolis and I'll be in Grasonville...
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I got back home later that afternoon and then Helen called. We went to the Cold Stone for ice cream and honest conversation. I was really glad that we got together before I moved. I got home around 10 and then called Steph back. She said you're coming over bye. I called Helen and then we both went over. "Hot-tub" night was a lot of fun and I am truly bummed about all the fun times that I'm going to miss in Maine this summer. I am going to miss it and a part of me wants to believe that things would have been "simpler" had we stayed in Maine. Still, who knows- plus, everyone would have eventually left for college. If I hadn't moved then I would go to Korea and then probably have ended up at USM based on my mindset that I'm going to stay in state for college. I guess I'm just still kicking myself in the butt for not having gotten to know people better. Still- life is here in MD for me now and I have to move on. I'm looking at the Univ. of MD- College Park and then Salisbury. I'm going to try and plan a visit to UMCP for maybe late July. I tried to call SHS guidance for them to send my transcript and pathetic SAT scores. I e-mailed both colleges to try and find out when I could apply for fall 2006. I also looked up where I can go to get my papers sent for my passport. So I tried to be a bit productive today.
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I was in the same spot about the same time last night. Looking straight out the window I can see the moon. It looks like it's smiling through a copper haze. -The move is over and I'm here.- I don't know. I don't know if things will change between my parents, who knows. I guess I'm just glad that they've finally settled down for good. I don't know. My dad has always been my inspiration. Maybe it's because I'm older and maybe it's because I've finally let my mom see me for who I really am. Nowadays I see that my dad is completely human too. That totally does not change how much strength he has provided but he's not perfect even though sometimes maybe I wanted to think he wasn't really at fault. I've said it so many times before but he is unfulfilled. He's such and idealist and sometimes I can be a big one too. He's always told me that hey, there does come a point where you have to make decisions that put you down a certain path. Marriage being noteably one of them. There are a lot of things that perhaps he would have done differently. Maybe I realize that he can't save me from things that I don't necessarily want to deal with sometimes. Based on things he didn't/wasn't able to do I sometimes think that I should do some of the things he wasn't able to do because of choices he made. I also realized that I have to walk my own path and heck that's what I have to do. It may sound a bit stupid but it is pretty hard for me to realize that it took nearly 18 years for me to realize that he's not perfect.
- My brother is going to be 20 in a few weeks. That seems even stranger than me turning 18. 18- yeah but leaving the teens so to speak- it's gone fast for him. It is true that sure he'll come back home to "visit" but he's never going to actually "live" her again. He's out. My dad seems to understand that concept more so than my mom does. I am proud of my brother all in all. He is pretty focused considering what he could be focused on. I guess he's beginning to get "the rest of his life put together." Sometimes it really does frustrate me that he has figuratively and literally slept through a lot. I guess a lot that I had to go through. He was always out with friends, sleeping, at work, just not around for much. He has missed out on a lot of good moments with our parents. I realize that they aren't going to be around forever. He just hasn't been around to see the shit with the family, extended and immediate. He really doesn't have much of clue. When all the shit goes down it just makes me sick to my stomach that he has no idea. - Maybe it just seems like the first circle of my life (very young life) is coming full circle- so it seems. - "The move" seemed like a very formal benediction to my "youth." Then maybe again perhaps that's just one way to look at it.
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I'm going to end it there for tonight kids. I have to get up early tomorrow to take trash to the dump. Yeah- they give out tickets to the dump here. $1 per car load of your shit.
a little bit of everything
06.04.05 (3:11 pm) [edit]Well yesterday was the last day of "my formal education" aka the last day of high school. Scarborough High School Class of 2005- woot!! We got yearbooks and then Courtney and I had our last sixth period study hall "lunch date" at Romeo's ala the chicken cordon blue pizza. Later that night Saraita, Courtney and I went to see The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants- it was cute. I don't usually see "teeny chick flicks" so it was good. Today was the first day of my summer and I went to Helen's graduation party and had a good time. My brother gets home from Maryland tomorrow for graduation and then to help move. He's taking the red eye bus from Philly to New York, New York to Boston and then Boston to Portland. Steph's graduation party is next saturday and then graduation is next sunday. She is going to NYU (you're jealous too, right) and so that gives me even more of a reason to go to NYC after I get back from Korea.
Random facts:
via Dianna-
ArtemisDB13: lol, I have "notes" in my address book about you.
ArtemisDB13: I just remembered that.
ascendotuum7787: haha
ascendotuum7787: cool
ArtemisDB13: it says: "lil' Sheena, loves winter, sincere, XC, soul sister!, intellectual, pizza = yum, free spirit, environmentalist (save the trees!), loved by everyone, cool bean dip, borderline hippie, taking it easy"
1) My favorite color= blue
2) The songs I hate to love= "Like I love you" by Justin Timberlake and "Since You've Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson.
3) Songs I love to hate= anything by Good Charlotte
4) Favorite season= winter
5) Favorite ice cream= purple passion fruit sorbet by Ben & Jerry's
6) Something I know for certain= I will never (ever) be (let alone make it, ha) on the cover of Playboy
7) Career "goals"= nursing, Peace Corps
8 Favorite food= pizza
9) Fondest memory= probably the Mountain Run during FHS XC '01- the 3rd and last mile of that race was my most quality/strongest mile ever
10) Favorite quote: see LJ (mellowyellohkim)
11) Something I would like to see happen for me= I do actually think I would like to get married or at least have a very long term relationship at some point in my life
12) Something I would like to see for the rest of the world= everyone switch to fuel cell cars- the most practical thing for the world instead of "world peace"
13) Sexy voice= Anthony Kiedis - rocks my world
-
Onto my "senior testimonial..."
The last marching practice was early today at 9. I was finally able to pick up my health records from the nurse. Sarita, Courtney, Teresa, Steph and I went to the mall so Steph could look for a job. Courtney ended up getting Sarah's graduation present and then we went to On The Border for lunch. We went back to the school and then Courtney and I ran over to Borders to get a giftcard for Kipp. Now I'm here.
I've been wanting to write my so-called "reflection" on what I think life means upon going on my 18th year. Geeze- what happened to all those good points that I wanted to write down. I guess I'll just start writing.
-
So we move on wednesday back to Maryland. I do actually think that I'm going to miss Maine more than I thought I was going to. It's a bit weird that I've gotten to know more better and people better in the last two weeks of senior year verses the three years that I've gone to SHS. I'll start with what I'd have done differently. Overall I would have just "put myself out there" more than I did. I mean I definitely came to SHS with an "I don't care about other people here & I can just be a loner" attitude when I moved to Maine sophomore year.
-
This entry is really over the place: later that night after I wrote the last above portion-
My grandmother is here from good old PA. Her (third) husband died over the weekend and I probably shouldn't mention that he was quite an ogre. Other shocking news: my mom got word today that her best friend's husband died today. He was driving to his son's basketball game in Kentucky and he must have swerved off the road and they are thinking that his diabetes kicked in- he didn't take care of his "condition." His son had been in an accident on that same road back in the winter but was ok. Wow. My mom was on the phone still and I walked in to where my dad was and he said that ---had died and I was in disbelief. The one son just graduated from high school two weeks ago and the other son is just eight. My mom's friend is such a good person and has such a strong, honest commitment to her faith. Wow. If you believe in the power of prayer then please pray from Terri, Ryan and Jacob.
-
Continuation of "senior musings"
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I have missed out on a number of those "important, supposed to, would-be" teenage things but of course to my own doing. I don't think I'd change too much, who knows.[i] I have definitely learned the value of putting yourself out there[/i]. I've always had issues with getting out of my skin and "comfort zones." Freshmen year indoor track I would have stopped running at the onset of my shin pain and that may of very well salvaged my high school running. It never did work out past that season but I still continue to run on my own and enjoy each moment. Running has always been very spiritual for me. Same with writing. I feel like it helps to connect you with something greater. It's a near perfect metaphor for life. I wrote about why I actually run a long time ago in the tblog valut. When I run nothing and everything matters. It just works. Things just work. I would have maybe been on the tech crew for plays, volunteered, played trumpet or better yet sax perhaps. I didn't feel "comfortable" at SHS until the last quarter of sophomore year. I don't know- junior year was pretty good but it seems like a smugde now. Senior year has been the best.
-
Prom in Maryland. It was definitely good to go back and see the people who were still at FHS. Prom was actually a lot of fun, my grining. I watched all the graduates walk in and I was actually glad that I wasn't one of them. I just do not think that I would have grown as much had I stayed in Frederick for all of high school. Sure, I can't say that 100% but I did need to start over. No, Maine has not been totally "bad." I feel as though I've been genuine as I can be here and I never did or felt the need to put on any sort of a front here. I do feel like I became a "young woman" here- I 'hate' that term, ha. I also just feel that I've been a lot of a "nicer" person here too. There is so much that I "shoulda, woulda, coulda" but I do have to move on. My morals/character have been strenghtened over the last three years and that is the most important. I feel as though I've realized a lot of who I am, who I don't want to be etc. and I wouldn't take back/change the experiences that led me to that.
-
Korea: Wow. I am going. I am excited. I am nervous. I am near "terrified." It's so hard to try and put into words how I feel about it. I remember a night not too long ago- I was trying to fall asleep but I was feeling every (well, at least a lot, alot) emotion at the same time. It's like I wanted to just jump outta my skin. The last thing I actually wanted to do was sleep. I wanted to run, cry, laugh, scream, be angry, a lot of things. Not just about Korea but about a lot of things. Sure graduation but just a lot of things.
Korea- the land of my birth. I really do not know what to expect. I do know that it will be an emotional experience. I mean I guess part of me thinks it will "provide me with a huge life altering revelation" and in many ways it probably will. [u]So many feelings about it.[/u] I do think that at the end of the three and a half months that I will be ready to come home. I am definitely going to go to the Haewon Maternity home where I was born if nothing else. It's in Masan which is just about twenty miles west of where I'll be living- Gimhae. Perhaps a big part of me isn't letting me feel everything that I do feel about going- I'd freak out.
My adoption has been such a large part of me "mental/emotional" self throughout my life thus far. All the former details are strone across previous blog entries. I do feel that the language will be daunting not just in and of itself but with it's emotional connections. The lanuage in a large way "makes" you Korean. I do not know Korean. While that fact has not necessarily been a point of struggle for me it has been a definite "sore spot." People in general have always asked me, "so you speak Korean right?" I answered- no I don't -- now: I'm trying to learn. I was only four months when I was adopted. I just do not think that most people realize that when you're adopted- in my case- by white parents your culture isn't necessarily in the fore front of life -- daily life. They tried in their own way to preserve it but learning Korean just wasn't something that a white couple would have readily pursued for their now considered "American children."
Yes, in all honesty my adoption in and of itseld has had a lot of "negative"/struggling connotation- especially when I was younger. Now it is not necessarily a struggle. Sometimes I feel guily for having felt that way about it. Actually- recently I've been thinking about adopting. Wow- big step. Way "down the road" and who knows. I do feel like my growth with adoption has allowed me to grown in a lot of other respects.
-
Another subject of much past "discontent." Specifically my mom and my aunt then my parents and then my family. I've written plenty about all of that in the past. I do think that the two of them have finally been able to "move on" with their issues that they've held/held back for almost thirty years. It has been a burden- a faily heavy emotional burden to almost everyone in the family. Me- despite how "desensitized" I tried to become it has always stung. The last thing between them- we had invited my aunt up for graduation after the "shit hitting the fan episode." My mom hadn't called her- other details- whatever- my dad was then like, "well someone needs to call her." So I did and yes she is coming. At that point it still felt like man I shouldn't have felt the way I did and then whole thing has just been a sick to the stomach- sort of weight.
so true for me right now
05.25.05 (1:58 pm) [edit]It's time for me to stand up.
the four universal questions...
05.21.05 (5:51 pm) [edit]"There are 4 universal questions:
1) Who are we?
2) Do you believe in God?
3 ) Do you love me?
4 ) Who let the dogs out?"
Pretty accurate
05.21.05 (1:24 pm) [edit]Your Birthdate: July 7 |
Born on the 7th day of month gives you a tendency to be something of a perfectionist and makes you more individualistic in many ways. Your mind is good at deep mental analysis and complicated reasoning. You are very psychic and sensitive, and you should usually follow your hunches.
You may not take orders too well, so you may want to work alone or in a situation where you can be the boss. This birthday gives a tendency to be somewhat self-centered and a little stubborn. |
don't read this
05.14.05 (6:17 pm) [edit]What?! You read it anyway- ok, honestly, you really weren't going to read this. Stop shitting me and everyone else.
regressing back into one of my irritated entries...
I think that there are about 14 days left of school. I am going down to FHS for Prom and their graduation in about a week and a half. It'll be nice to see people but I probably could do without going if you put a few people aside. Ever increasingly when I think about it it just makes me sick to my stomach. I really do not know what would have happened had I stayed. Stagnation seems to be the most appropriate word. I remember that "my favorite teacher" asked me if I still had friends down there. I was like umm yes and no. In reality I never really had that many friends in MD. I've said it before but when you're growing up "friends" are created a lot more out of a "you're in my immediate environment so I'm going to be your friend." That isn't to say that friendship when I "was younger" weren't meaningful then because many of them were. It still really puzzles me that my friends and I didn't really hang out as much as we "should have." One- we couldn't drive but I guess my home life and my school life were two totally separate things. In quite a few ways that is still true. But if I actually sit and count the people that are still "friends" the number is: 5 = Hellen, Josh, Sam, Alexandra, Lauren. I think I'll always feel a very close connection with Hellen. (Ms. 360) I still keep in touch with Josh, Alex, and Lauren but not on a really regular basis. I talk to Sam the most and yes we are friends and probably for the better. However, our friendship has never been much of anything profound. Who knows. And up here- oh man. There's probably only about one person that has been I guess for the most part "real." I do think that this year has been the best though. It has been. A lot of things that I never thought would happen have. Same goes for the other side of the spectrum. It has just been very frustrating though, especially lately. For example: a person who I (was a bit surprised that we became friends) thought was real has just been so distant. It has annoyed me to the extent that I don't even feel like saying hello to this person or making an effort with this person unless this person does so first. Many times this person doesn't make any effort. I guess I came to "conclusions" to soon. It's like I either see dumb people or fake people and a lot of the time it's just both. It keeps reoccuring that I feel like I am "always" the one to give more in friendships etc. or more exactly I feel like I care so much more about the other person. Is that selfish of me to think that? I mean I do see the point that people view relationships differently. I do value not being dependent on others and my autonomy by a long shot. It just goes back to that fact that people are so distant and fake and recently I'm just getting so sick and tired of feelings like people really don't care about our friendship. I mean that did apply to when I was younger too because I was the one who very more often than not coordinated things. Maybe I take the whole "friendship thing" to heavily but then again I don't take many things too lightly. I mean I understand that people change etc. and I'm not excusing myself from that because that definitely applies to the old friends. It's just that even now people that I thought were friends just really aren't. I really try to not have any expectations, especially for people, (hmm...don't know how well I'm doin with that) but it is a bit disheartening.
Some of my other recent thoughts:
I just wonder sometimes why I('ve) (choosen)/chose to be so private, quite, alone. Thinking about that sometimes just makes me sad.
Do I go to writing to lay down my thoughts or to get away from them?
Now thinking about everything with ;a certain person I just realize finally how "fake" everything was. Maybe fake is a little too heavily loaded but it just really wasn't much of anything real. It couldn't have been. I see it happening with someone else and it's just soo soo so fucking fake. It's sad. All of it wasn't reality. It just wasn't. It wasn't even though sometimes I really did want it to be and so I made in into my reality. I also wanted to think that there was a real possibility that in the "future" it could be real. I don't know what this person thinks about it or has thought about it over these past four years or so. I hope it wasn't some sick fuck of a psychology experiment on this person's behalf because damn you'll sure be one hell of a psychologist. The worst part is probably the fact that no matter how much I now realize that it was never anything real (it's actually pretty embarassing now) it still hurts sometimes. Maybe when it hurts it just does because I realize how stupid I was. I think I did realize that before but I was able to rationalize it to fit the situation. Sometimes it is just so pathetic that I can actually miss something that never existed/doesn't exist. I hate you. I so fucking hate you. The next time I talk to this person the first thing that I'm going to tell this person is that I hate the person. What the hell was this person thinking?! Better yet what the fuck was I thinking all along? What was I thinking? & nbsp;
---
Well my dad officially gave his month notice at work on tuesday. I know how hard it has been for him this year and especially lately. He's been much more distant in a lot of ways too. I love my dad probably more than anything else but it's just that after awhile I just want to put my hands up or scream or something that I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE FUCKING MOVE ANY FUCKING MORE, GOD DAMN!! It's like god just because that's all you can think about anymore doesn't mean that I can't think about anything else. And my mom- I don't know if she will ever be able to just let go of me. I really don't think that she thinks that I can do anything and I've said before too. She just doesn't think that I know anything or that I am actually capable of doing much of anything. She has to constantly remind me of so many stupid things- I hate it!!! It's all the time. It's just that sometimes I am so annoyed that at that certain moment if anyone is in my space then I'd just blow up at them and that isn't a pretty picture. It's like sometimes I am just so beyond the point or just so sick of being sad about those things- just let me be stupidly angry. I can't cry about any of it anymore.
--
I've wondered if I've ever really been "happy." I mean I am sooo sooo blessed but I just think too much. I really wish that I could have an on and off switch for thinking. I am happy and especially more so these past two years. I just get discouraged. I do realize that I don't have anyone to turn to. That's so-called "reality" for everyone all in all.
& nbsp; &n bsp;
Existentialism goodies...
05.04.05 (10:11 am) [edit]Jump on the bandwagon for just a second and go to my livejournal account for existentialism goodies:
I only joined livejournal so I could access my friend's "lj." I'm not a tblog traitor.
Even if you don't click for the goodies here is a quote from a conversation last night between Sam and I:
Sam: i am guilty sheena
i just want you all to my self
i am a sheena hog
its like sam's pimp show and you are the star
i straight up pimped ya
- good stuff, good stuff
its been awhile
04.26.05 (12:39 pm) [edit]Just got back from NYC sunday evening. Had a great time. Tell you about it later on. A month until Maryland. About 27 school days until graduation. Then the move back to Maryland- wow.
Here is an entry that has taken a long time to make it into the blog.
04.15.05 (10:26 ET)
Holy shit. Wow. It feels like it has been a long time since my last real entry. I've tried to make one online but I never got more than a few lines. I want to write evertyhing not but I'm getting pretty sleepy. My eyes hurt.
I'll try and start. Where to start? I'm in the fourth quarter of senior year- the last weeks of my "formal education." It has finally hit me. I know I'm going to cry at graduation. Going to Korea has hit me to lately. It is crazy that I'll be on the other side of the world. I'm starting to look into flights. In a lot of ways I'm already missing my family, home- yes, comfort and security. In a lot of ways that stems from knowing that a lot will change. I don't know how I'm going to deal with the language issues. I've said it before but I don't "feel" Asian. I see other Asians- Asian families- and I feel so disconnected. Like I'm a whitewash of who I was/who I could have been. I've just felt stripped of my Asian identity. That leads me to the next thing...
Oh lord. The shit hit the fan twice. Double shit. I came home from work one night a few weeks ago and my parents were in an "arguement." It was about the whole "BJ issue"- once again. So I had to put my opinion in- it was like the worst memory- back in NH- and I was not going to hold my tounge- my mom needed to hear it.
Then a few days after that we had another "talk" that lasted for at least three hours. Everything at least just about everything came out. Well I had told my dad about how I felt/had felt about being adopted a day prior because our discussion was in context to the previous once. So I finally told both of them and no it wasn't quite as hard as I once thought- not so dramatic. Who knows. I finally addressed the fact that my mom and I do not know each other. Pretty much everything came up. Divorce came up. -At this point they have "always" made it work and after everything that has gone down over the past month or so they are going to try and work on it.
So my grandmother came up to visit. My aunt had called me up and we got into it about the whole "she and my mom" situation for the forty millionth time. I told her that it was the less of two evils to call each other out but she said she "could never do that." She called up and then talked to my mom- when she couldn't get around it- and figured that my mom would get it and so she talked liked nothing had happened. That totally did not go well with my mom.
So onto when she and her husband Jack came up that weekend when my grandmother was here. Shit hit the fan twice. The day had gone fine and I didn't think my dad was going to bring up the need for a discussion but then he did... then he did.
I guess my mom felt comfortable and wanted to approach things in a mature light but of course BJ being the emotional mess that she is broke down and really wanted to leave. Jack was being the asshole that he is. I don't need to write about that further. So they both got up. BJ was not going to sit down and talk about it. Way to emotional. Oh god. They stayed. The dust was just starting to settle the next morning when they left.
My grandmother and I had a heartfelt conversation when the four went downstairs to finish "the rumble." So evidently Jack picked up my grandmother at the bus station. Then one night BJ called up and told my dad to "fuck himself." WOW. I lost a lot of whatever respect I had for her. My grandmother had told me that she had no intention of coming up (root issues- too much to go into detail). She said so when they were leaving before so BJ had- whatever- to be able to, well actually, did not have the balls to sit down and admit and discuss in a mature way. Even before then she was at "fault" and after that wow, yes it was a lie. It seemes like the writing was on the wall. -So Jack must have made up some bull shit- Chirst- and tole it to BJ to cause her to call and tell my dad to fuck off. So today my dad talked to my grandother and she said she did not say anything to Jack, That is where things stand with all of "that" right now. My dad is going down to MD next week to look at houses. He may stop at my aunt's house- welcome or unwelcome- I've just gotten to the point that I can't keep getting upset and sad over it. It is their issue to deal with and after all that came out I really do think that now the ball is in BJ's court. I don't know. My mom feels better- less stress. She feels that she has a better grip on things now. No she is not perfect by many reasons but she is not a person of ill intent. There are a lot of holes to fill between she and I...
god- I "know" how hard my dad has been feeling lately. Work and the MD moving situation has been enough but to throw the wife and sister thing and everything that transpired on top of that it has really been a tough time for him mentally, emotionally these past few months. The past year has been tough. I still admire him but ever more so now I realize that he has his issues too- like my mom had issues- and that I have to find my own way. I can't reach out to him in a lot of ways. He has a lot on his plate and it actually seems like it has always been that way. He was making a lot of concessions for my aunt but he's still in the middle and at least feels like he has to take responsibility to act and try to mend things if possible at this point. So a lot has happened since my last entry.
I don't necessarily want to dwell on this but I had written --a letter. Saying that there is still a lot about each other that we don't know. We had an honest conversation . More like him listening to me. He brought out a lot of realities and a lot of things that stung. I don't know- I don't know if he has taken me seriously either. Our whatevership remains as confusing as ever. He's in Philadelphia this weekend. I don't know. I do know that we'll be moving soon and that my life will be rolling on- as well as his. --He just told me that he'll probably be in Chicago this summer after I asked about coming to see him this summer-- I don't know what will happen if that doesn't work out- to see him. He knows what he's looking for and I don't think I'm it. We both have a lot of growing to do. It's hot in my room.
He did bring up the point about me not having ever had a boyfriend still. Looking back I do wish I would have acted differently- it's not like never having had a boyfriend is something that I'm proud of. I just seem to be able to not let it bug me so much. I guess it stemmed from not wanting to confront my mom about it- so stupid- that was the case with Patrick and HC. Then I guess that move didn't help in that department and just insecurities and having the mindset that I could wait leads me to that point where I'm at with that now. I do realize that who ever is my first boyfriend- oh geeze- so embarassed- will have to be patient with me while I learn the ropes of relationships. Patience I just hope I'm not 20 and still waiting for my first kiss. Howver, with the way things are going now it's not looking so good. Weird territory for me.
It is true that I have separated myself from much of the teenage scene. Things just happened... I choose what I choose. It applies to a lot that I do- I really don't approach things for the short term. I'm almost always looking for how it will run in the long term. I want things that are geunine and lasting. Way not to live in the present?!?
I'm starting to loss track of my thoughts here. I've pretty much concldued that I'm not going to be able to do anything"big" of really make positive change.- I'll have to put down Peace Corps as as close as I can get. I don't know. I am very unsettled now. One somewhat big part of my life is coming to an end- my childhood- my youth. One letting go. In many ways though I feel ready. In a lot of ways I'm hoping that I can make up for whatever "I missed out on in high school" when I'm in college. I just hope that I don't give up.
I am going down to FHS for Prom and their graduation that should be interesting...
- Add more soon
lyrics
04.13.05 (4:16 pm) [edit]Just some lyrics that I like/have had meaning for me...
"[i]But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations [/i]
Filled with empty words
And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire Burning at these mysteries
Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything
You are Give me one more chance to be... (near You)
[i]Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate [/i]
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take
When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...
I'm standing on the edge of me
[i]I'm standing on the edge of everything
I've never been before.[/i]
And i've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge"
"So I'll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right"
"[i]Everybody is just a stranger but
That's the danger in going my own way [/i]
I guess it's the price I have to pay
Still 'everything happens for a reason'
Is no reason not to ask myself If I am living it right"
"I got dosed by you and
Closer than most to you and
What am I supposed to do
[i]Take it away I never had it anyway [/i]
Take it away and everything will be okay
In you a star is born and
You cut a perfect form and
Someone forever warm
Lay on lay on lay on lay on
Lay on lay on lay on lay on
We're upon the Nile where she died
All I ever wanted was your light
Deep inside the cave where I can hide
All I ever wanted was your light
Show love with no remorse and
Climb on to your seahorse and
This ride is right on course
This is the way I wanted it to be with you
This is the way that I knew that it would be with you
Lay on lay on lay on lay on
Lay on lay on lay on lay on
We're upon the Nile where she died
All I ever wanted was your light
Deep inside the cave where I can hide
All I ever wanted was your light
I got dosed by you and
Closer than most to you and
What am I supposed to do
Take it away I never had it anyway
Take it away and everything will be okay
We're upon the Nile where she died
All I ever wanted was your light
Deep inside the cave where I can hide
All I ever wanted was your light"
"I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
[i]Oh simple thing where have you gone I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin[/i]"
"Time is a jet plane it moves so fast
Oh but what a shame if all we've shared can't last I can change I swear oh oh
See what you can do I can make it through
You can make it too."
"Bag it
Tag it
Sell it to the butcher in the store"
"Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love, the love that I love.
See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive
And it's okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang"
"You say the word
You know I will find you
Or if you need some time
I don't mind
I don't hold on
To the tail of your kite
[i]I'm not like the girls that you've known
But I believe I'm worth coming home to[/i]"
"We never change
[i]I wanna live life
and never be cruel
and I wanna live life
and be good to you[/i]
and I wanna fly
and never come down
and live my life
and have friends around
we never change, do we?
no, no
we never learn, do we?
[i]so I wanna live... in a wooden house
I wanna live life
and always be true
and I wanna live life
and be good to you[/i]
I wanna fly
and never come down
and live my life
and have friends around
we never change, do we?
no no
we never learn, do we?
so I wanna live... in a wooden house
where making more friends would be easy
oh and I don't have a soul to save
yes and I sin every single day
we never change, do we?
we never learn, do we?
so I wanna live in a wooden house
where making more friends would be easy
I wanna live where the sun comes out"
"[i]look at the stars
look how they shine for you
and everything you do
yeah they were all yellow[/i]
I came along
I wrote a song for you
and all the things you do
and it was called yellow
So then I took my turn
oh wh at a thing to have done
and it was all yellow
[i]your skin
oh yeah your skin and bones
turn into something beautiful
and you know
you know I love you so
you know I love you so[/i]
I swam across
I jumped across for you
oh what a thing to do
'cos you were all yellow
I drew a line
I drew a line for you
oh what a thing to do
and it was all yellow
[i]and your skin
oh yeah your skin and bones
turn into something beautiful
and you know
for you I bleed myself dry
for you I bleed myself dry[/i]
it's true
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine
[i]look at the stars
look how they shine for you
and all the things that you do"[/i]
"Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
[i]Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails[/i]
Heads on a science apart
[i]Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said that it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start[/i]
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
[i]Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are[/i]
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start"
"[i]how long before I get in
before it starts, before I begin
how long before you decide
before I know what it feels like
where to?
Where do I go?
if you've never tried then you'll never know
how long do I have to climb
up on the side of this mountain of mine [/i]
look up, I look up at night
planets are moving at the speed of light
climb up, up in the trees
every chance that you get
is a chance you seize
[u]how long am I gonna can stand
with my head stuck under the sand [/u]
I start before I can stop
before I see thing the right way up
all that noise, all that sound
all those places that i have found
and birds go flying at the speed of sound
to show how it all began
birds came flying from the underground
if you could see it then you'd understand
ideas that you'll never find
or the inventors could never design
the buildings that you put up
Japan and China... all lit up
the sign that I couldn't read
or the light that I couldn't see
some things you have to believe
but others are puzzles, puzzling me
all that noise, all that sound
all those places that i have found
and birds go flying at the speed of sound
to show how it all began
birds came flying from the underground
if you could see it then you'd understand
all those signs I knew what they meant
something you can't invent
Some get made, and some get sent
ooh
words go flying at the speed of sound
to show how it all began
birds came flying from the underground
if you could see it then you'd understand
oh, [i]when you see it then you'll understand[/i]"
"Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
[i]Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you[/i]
[i]As years go by
I race the clock with you
But if you died right now
You know that I'd die to[/i]
I'd die too
[i]You remind me of the times
When I knew who I was[/i] (I was)
But still the second hand will catch us
Like it always does
[i]We'll make the same mistakes
I'll take the fall for you
[u]I hope you need this now
Cause I know I still do[/u][/i]
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Should I bite my tongue?
Until blood soaks my shirt
We'll never fall apart
[i]Tell me why this hurts so much[/i]
[i]My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
But still we'll say, "remember when"
Just like we always do
Just like we always do[/i]
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Yeah I'd spill my heart!!!
Yeah I'd spill my heart for you!!!
My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
[i]We made the same mistakes
Mistakes like friends do[/i]
My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
Made the same mistakes
[i]Until the day I die[/i]
I'll spill my heart for you, for you"
"Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong
See I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me
[i][u]I want to see miracles, see the world change[/u][/i]
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts.
I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out."
"Highways and dancehalls
A good song takes you far
Your write about the moon
And you dream about the stars
Blues in old motel rooms
Girls in daddy's car
You sing about the nights
And you laugh about the scars
Coffee in the morning cocaine afternoons
You talk about the weather
And you grin about the rooms
Phone calls long distance
To tell how you've been
Forget about the losses, you exaggerate the wins
And when you stop to let 'em know
You've got it down
It's just another town along the road
The ladies come to see you
If your name still rings a bell
They give you damn near nothin'
And they'll say they knew you well
So you tell 'em you'll remember
But they know it's just a game
And along the way their faces
All begin to look the same
And when you stop to let 'em know
You got it down
It's just another town along the road
Well it isn't for the money
And it's only for a while
You stalk about the rooms
And you roll away the miles
Gamblers in the neon, clinging to guitars
You're right about the moon
But you're wrong about the stars
And when you stop to let 'em know
You got it down
It's just another town along the way"
these days- geeze...
03.08.05 (1:20 pm) [edit]2 dads dead (1 MS, 1 heart attack) +
1 mentally gone (stroke) +
3 divorces (more if desired) +
1 manic depressant +
1 rape +
2 miscarriages +
1 lost virginity (more; optional) +
infinite # of mistakes/lies
= a real teen cocktail
---
Yeah, all of that has happened to people that I know (1 degree removed or less)...
---
A few random mutterings:
Things immeditately around me have been actually pretty quite lately but that's probably because I've been fairly numb to emotion lately.
Update on my friend that pulled that 360- a lot of me wants to be really angry at her ah. She called me just the other night again. I got more of the full story but then her cell phone died. She was on her way to her boyfriend's house, she's still lying. Evidently she had just taken a caffeine pilll because she was off the wall. Somehow she said that she had taken something recently. Something that could have made her really sick but it didn't. I thought ecstacy or oxyc. but then she admitted that it was an emergency contraception pill. I was like, wtf?!? She said yeah I hope nothings "going on" right now. She said that the condom had slipped off. -At least they used a condom- Her phone died shortly after that but why the fuck would she do that? I mean her sister had a miscarriage and so it's not like she doesn't know what could happen. Why did she lose her virginity to this guy?! ahhhh!!!! what?! Does anyone have morals these days?!???? I mean and how could she really love this guy?! I don't know how many times they've had sex but that's besides the point now. I mean The whole e.c. thing happened about two or three weeks ago. Oh and suppposedly they are engaged now- he did give her a ring. I need to go down there a slap her in the face- more like this guy. This guy is pretty much going no where as of right now and he's so unstable. She doesn't need that- she can't afford that- at all!!! AHHH! It just drives me crazy that she would put herself in the same position as what her sister did- take the same risk after knowing what could happen. God damn. She doesn't really love this guy. She's just in it because she thinks she can really help him and probably because she thinks he needs her. He's just fucking using her. I mean her family situation has never been very good but what happened? I realize that yes she is the only one in control of what she does but she could do anything and I don't want her to throw it all away. What happened to all the semblance of "normalcy?" It's like things are spinning faster and faster in one direction and I'm stationary. I have a fairly solid sense of what I'm going in the next year or two but then to think further makes me sick to my stomack sometimes. I think if I actually let my feelings fully boil over things could get pretty ugly. Resentment? I guess "I'm rationalizing with the fact that I'm older now and can handle things with maturity....
- What happened... & nbsp; &n bsp;
random excerpts
02.26.05 (5:45 pm) [edit]Taken from other online journals:
"Just remember kids, its always good to have a dollar in your pocket, cuz you never know when you will find yourself on the top level of a parking garage with the woman you love....and to get out you just have to tail somebody and hope that yellow thingy doesnt come down on top of your car. That's all for now, maybe more later."
"But this afternoon when I went to campustown to do a review (of yet another Chinese restaurant) for the Web, I was suddenly pulled out of my stupor. Just as I shut the door of my car, I realized I had locked my car keys inside my car. What's more, I then realized that since my spare car keys were attached to my house keys and my house keys were in my backpack which was also in my car, I had also locked my only spare keys inside my car.
So I was freaking out because I had much to do and no time to waste. I had no money for the meter in my pocket (all my money was in my car) but there was a store right next to the parking lot, so I just left the meter unpaid while I went inside for five minutes to call a locksmith. Five minutes! When I came back, there was a parking ticket. (For $3, but still.) The locksmith came in only 10 minutes, opened the door in 30 seconds, and charged $32.
So yes, my Chinese restaurant review in the next issue of the Web is worth $35."
"For the record: I do not become "obsessed" with people simply because they're talented or nice to look at. I don't "fall in love" over night. I'm not an idiot. I'm not a child. And I'm most certainly not "in love".
Thankyou."
"- i am like someone who likes me back for the first time since the summer. im not one for relationships. especially one where the other is younger then me. but i like it this time. which is trange anyway because if you know me. im cynical and mean and hateful. i hate relationships. i hate seeing people in relationships. ill give this thing a try for once."
"i don't want anyone to feel like that's the case, because i love you all.
if you feel like we dont know each well enough SPEAK UP AND SAY SOMETHING TO ME. ill laugh, youll laugh, and we'll be tight. i promise, scouts honor. honestly this 'separation' foolishness is so....foolish."
"If one more person wishes for my death, shit is going to hit the fan.
thankyou."
"Of course (blank blank) has lost some of her edge as she's gotten older and more settled - not everyone can avoid becoming a suburban mom."
"So, where do we go from here? I think a big part of "scary love" is the realization that, we're at the end of high school. High school is like, the end of the beginning of life. The future is upon us, and it's full of uncertainties. For thirteen years or so our life has been completely free of doubt: elementary school, middle school, high school......now what? College? Career? Family? Retirement? Death? Who knows how its gonna go down, nobody is planning it for us except God, and He likes to keep these kinds of things a suprise. Yeesh. Thinkin about it makes me wanna plan it all out on paper, but that's the scary thing, so much happens suddenly that you just can't plan it out into full detail. Like a detour on a road you've never been on. How did you know it would be there? I sure as heck didnt. Who knew my Dad would have a stroke and be stolen from me when i was sixteen and not ready to be fatherless? Who knows if I am gonna have one after only twenty five years of marriage? What if when we're married my wife said she doesn't care about that? Well I DO! I DON'T WANT TO BE MY FATHER, AND IM NOT TALKING ABOUT- OH I DONT WANT TO BE THE BUM ON THE COUCH. HE WASNT A BUM, HIS MIND IS GONE. ROY S---- IS DEAD AND SANDY S---- HAS BEEN FALLING APART EVER SINCE. That is who i dont want to be. She said she doesn't care, but what about if it really happens? I get destroyed, and she is alone forever, cuz im not dead, just missing. Wow, this therapy session took a turn for the worse. Guess im more afraid of love then i thought."
"My generation is the 'F--- the vacation, give me the cash equivalent' generation."
--add more later...
another one for you
02.26.05 (5:35 pm) [edit]Disarm you with a smile
Cut you like you want me too
Cut that little child
Inside of me and such a part of you
I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my choice
What's a boy supposed to do
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love - I send a smile over to you
Disarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who's left alone
I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my voice
What's a boy supposed to do
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love - I send this smile over to you
The killer in me is the killer in you
name my fetus...
02.18.05 (4:35 pm) [edit]It's been a little under a month since my last real entry. Seems like there is a lot I want to write. First let's take care of the official business: Would you like to name my fetus?? Feel free but please nothing too obscene.
All in all things haven't been "bad" as this year starts. Things have been shaky though. January kind of sucked but this month I guess things are on "the up swing." Contact with "old friends" has been pretty much gone by the way side. The whole thing with me and an old close friend was a bit disheartening but it's a two way street and so I've given up on that for now. I have to write to that friend that I wrote about recently- the one who pulled a 360. I only really talk to Sam and it's weird because our friendship wasn't really like that of those other two but it's developed in it's nice own way. We don't really talk about things in such a deep way as the others but it is a nice surprise that our friendship has grown. She has gone through quite a bit over the past year or so with her mom being "diagnosed" with MS.
We all have so much to learn.
Then there's that one person that I just can't knock, ugh. We just talked two days ago- for the first time at this house. That relationship is really weird- sometimes it's more difficult to gadge the subtleties with the distance. There is a lot of room to go either way. I sincerely hope that this friend and I can be friends forever. This person seems to make me reconsider what I want to do with my life and who I am. There is so much that I don't know about this person and vice versa to an extent. There's so much ground to cover. It's like I still have to interpret where this person is at and what or how to approach things. I would give my life for this person and I undoubtably see a future with this person- a long future. In one form or another. & nbsp;
Mid-winter break began today as of 1:45 and so we're off for a week. We're going to Quebec- to freeze. We are officially out of our Scarboro house and we've been here in the rental for about two weeks. We're used to it and I like it. The drive to school etc. is at least 15 mins. but I get to see the ocean for about 3/10 of a mile every morning. Three people at work quit including the guy that trained me. I am still looking for a job closer to here but until I nail something down I'm still at the coffee shop. I was off tonight and my cousin and his girlfriend are coming over tonight from New Hampshire. He teaches environmental science at Franklin Pierce. He said he caught a student that plagarized and so I want to see what happened with that.
I've pretty much given up on school nowadays. Third quarter of senior year. I am officially in the IIHR program in Korea. I'm trying to keep a level head in terms of not freaking out about what will be. It had just been getting to me or I let it get to me. Sometimes it just drives me so fucking crazy- I have no idea how I can really, really make a difference- how to go about doing it. I've been considering a lot of fields to go into: occupational therapy, teaching ESL, sociological psychology, speech therapy, saving the world. Majors for those seem to be pretty limited in PA and MD. My dad has officially accepted the offer from a firm in Annapolis, MD and so we're moving to back to good old MD in mid-June right after graduation.
I don't really regret things to this point. Even with all those stupid things that happened I look back with a lot more of a clear mind. Things just don't matter like that. I'm actually really glad that I didn't make bad decisions because shit there is so much that could have gone the other way. Sometimes it makes me sick to think of the fact that I didn't/haven't put my parents through the shit that I could have. Sometimes I think that they are so lucky that I never put myself in those positions. I owe so much to them but sometimes that gets to me. They have no idea- how things might have been. Still, I would have had to have been a totally different person and I am go glad that I am not. I pick what matters to me. I have so much to learn.
--- I was working with Paula the other night and there are some pretty freaky stories that I'll have to tell you when it's light out...
~ I have been/am blessed with so much. I often wonder why I haven't been hit with dire circumstances like so many other people. Is it a matter of only being given what you can handle? One can never know... & nbsp; &n bsp;
What's with all the LJs?
02.12.05 (2:53 pm) [edit]What's with everyone going over to and joining LJ all the sudden?
Everybody: stay on tblog!
I remember...
02.08.05 (10:28 am) [edit]
Do you
Brother
Do you remember?
Were you there?
Her sarcastic thanks
Was it the life she hoped for
His strength
What he left behind
Do you remember
The stormy night
I was so young
You never had to
Cover your ears
The deafening silence
Were you there?
When she saw that
More was missing
Than her bags
Do you ever wonder
Brother of mine
Were you ever
A whitewash of yourself?
Brother
Where do we start?
Do you remember
Brother of mine?
a cynics's look? don't sue me...
01.30.05 (2:45 pm) [edit]It may be a bit cynical (or too real/true) but I got a "kick" out of this. A reading selection for my Lit. class for tomorrow. Please don't sue me Margaret Atwood!!
"Happy Endings" (1983)
John and Mary meet.
What happens next?
If you want a happy ending, try A.
A.
John and Mary fall in love and get married. They both have worthwhile and remunerative jobs which they find stimulating and challenging. They buy a charming house. Real estate values go up. Eventually, when they can afford live-in help, they have two children, to whom they are devoted. The children turn out well. John and Mary have a stimulating and challenging sex life and worthwhile friends. They go on fun vacations together. They retire. They both have hobbies which they find stimulating and challenging. Eventually they die. This is the end of the story.
B.
Mary falls in love with John but John doesn't fall in love with Mary. He merely uses her body for selfish pleasure and ego gratification of a tepid kind. He comes to her apartment twice a week and she cooks him dinner, you'll notice that he doesn't even consider her worth the price of a dinner out, and after he's eaten dinner he fucks her and after that he falls asleep, while she does the dishes so he won't think she's untidy, having all those dirty dishes lying around, and puts on fresh lipstick so she'll look good when he wakes up, but when he wakes up he doesn't even notice, he puts on his socks and his shorts and his pants and his shirt and his tie and his shoes, the reverse order from the one in which he took them off. He doesn't take off Mary's clothes, she takes them off herself, she acts as if she's dying for it every time, not because she likes sex exactly, she doesn't, but she wants John to think she does because if they do it often enough surely he'll get used to her, he'll come to depend on her and they will get married, but John goes out the door with hardly so much as a good-night and three days later he turns up at six o'clock and they do the whole thing over again.
Mary gets run-down. Crying is bad for your face, everyone knows that and so does Mary but she can't stop. People at work notice. Her friends tell her John is a rat, a pig, a dog, he isn't good enough for her, but she can't believe it. Inside John, she thinks, is another John, who is much nicer. This other John will emerge like a butterfly from a cocoon, a Jack from a box, a pit from a prune, if the first John is only squeezed enough.
One evening John complains about the food. He has never complained about her food before. Mary is hurt.
Her friends tell her they've seen him in a restaurant with another woman, whose name is Madge. It's not even Madge that finally gets to Mary: it's the restaurant. John has never taken Mary to a restaurant. Mary collects all the sleeping pills and aspirins she can find, and takes them and a half a bottle of sherry. You can see what kind of a woman she is by the fact that it's not even whiskey. she leaves a note for John. She hopes he'll discover her and get her to the hospital in time and repent and then they can get married, but this fails to happen and she dies.
John marries Madge and everything continues as in A.
C.
John, who is an older man, falls in love with Mary, and Mary, who is only twenty-two, feels sorry for him because he's worried about his hair falling out. She sleeps with him even though she's not in love with him. She met him at work. She's in love with someone called James, who is twenty-two also and not yet ready to settle down.
John on the contrary settled down long ago: this is what is bothering him. John has a steady, respectable job and is getting ahead in his field, but Mary isn't impressed by him, she's impressed by James, who has a motorcycle and a fabulous record collection. But James is often away on his motorcycle, being free. Freedom isn't the same for girls, so in the meantime Mary spends Thursday evenings with John. Thursdays are the only days John can get away.
John is married to a woman called Madge and they have two children, a charming house which they bought just before the real estate values went up, and hobbies which they find stimulating and challenging, when they have the time. John tells Mary how important she is to him, but of course he can't leave his wife because a commitment is a commitment. He goes on about this more than is necessary and Mary finds it boring, but older men can keep it up longer so on the whole she has a fairly good time.
One day James breezes in on his motorcycle with some top-grade California hybrid and James and Mary get higher than you'd believe possible and they climb into bed. Everything becomes very underwater, but along comes John, who has a key to Mary's apartment. He finds them stoned and entwined. He's hardly in any position to be jealous, considering Madge, but nevertheless he's overcome with despair. Finally he's middle-aged, in two years he'll be as bald as an egg and he can't stand it. He purchases a handgun, saying he needs it for target practice--this is the thin part of the plot, but it can be dealt with later--and shoots the two of them and himself.
Madge, after a suitable period of mourning, marries an understanding man called Fred and everything continues as in A, but under different names.
D.
Fred and Madge have no problems. They get along exceptionally well and are good at working out any little difficulties that may arise. But their charming house is by the seashore and one day a giant tidal wave approaches. Real estate values go down. The rest of the story is about what caused the tidal wave and how they escape from it. They do, though thousands drown, but Fred and Madge are virtuous and grateful, and continue as in A.
E.
Yes, but Fred has a bad heart. The rest of the story is about how kind and understanding they both are until Fred dies. Then Madge devotes herself to charity work until the end of A. If you like, it can be "Madge," "cancer," "guilty and confused," and "bird watching."
F.
If you think this is all too bourgeois, make John a revolutionary and Mary a counterespionage agent and see how far that gets you. Remember, this is Canada. You'll still end up with A, though in between you may get a lustful brawling saga of passionate involvement, a chronicle of our times, sort of.
You'll have to face it, the endings are the same however you slice it. Don't be deluded by any other endings, they're all fake, either deliberately fake, with malicious intent to deceive, or just motivated by excessive optimism if not by downright sentimentality.
The only authentic ending is the one provided here:
John and Mary die. John and Mary die. John and Mary die.
So much for endings. Beginnings are always more fun. True connoisseurs, however, are known to favor the stretch in between, since it's the hardest to do anything with.
That's about all that can be said for plots, which anyway are just one thing after another, a what and a what and a what.
Now try How and Why.
for you
01.27.05 (7:45 am) [edit]"There are places I remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all
But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more"
shoot me in the face
01.25.05 (12:53 pm) [edit]January is pretty much seeing itself out the door.
Second semester began on monday. Mid-terms were ok. Life is the same. I have not changed at all or so it really seems that way recently.
The manager called a little while ago and my hours are getting cut back even more. My mom drove my brother back to college saturday and so he's back there and she comes back this weekend.
We have finally and officially sold the house. The couple finally settled on their offer and after a three hour (wtf?) inspection and appraisal it is a done deal. I'm pretty sure that we are moving Feb. 9th and then settlement is on the 11th. Aka soon. We're moving to Cape- the next town over but not telling the school. I may look for a job in Cape. It would save on gas at least. We'll be there until mid-June and then move to where ever into another rental for about a year until we finish building. The firm in Annapolis finally presented an offer to my dad but it wasn't so great considering the cost of living in that area. He tried to interview with the firm in Altoona, PA but couldn't because of snow/ice. He's going to that interview this thursday for a job in State College or Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh!!! So by this weekend we should know what we're going to be doing and where we'll be moving.
The first two weeks of this month were a bit weird. Last week was better. This week is weird again. It's all finally sinking in that oh my god my supposed youth is shortly coming to an end. Everything is changing (again) - of course. .1% of me is or wants to be a complete wreck now. It's like a regression back to 7th grade. It may seems immature but it's difficult to ignore. It doesn't matter in the slightest though.
I found out that the Korea program is from about the last week in August until about mid-December. A little longer than I had thought. To be honest I am quite a bit apprehensive about it. I get that weird feeling in my stomach. I have no idea when I'm going to learn Korean. I really like Pitt and I'm still thinking about occupational therapy and religious studies because they offer both. I might just travel around if I can some how.
In some ways I have not changed since I moved here. In a lot of ways I've failed to move on. I don't know why. I am so done with the last few years. Everyone else has moved on but me or so it seems to some degree. A certain person and I are growing increasingly out of touch however regretfully. It seems a bit inevitable though. This person moved on and seems to just be enjoying their fun. I really wanted to be shot in the face last night though. A close friend and I finally caught up after awhile and holy hell was I thrown for a 360. This person had never dated up until now and now she's been dating this guy (her "special friend") for over three months now. She's know this guy for a long time though but how well I'm not so sure. He's 19 and she's 17. My friend has had a rough family situation and her parents don't a pprove and now their just trying to pretend like it's not happening. I hate when parents refuse to face reality. Parents not parenting. (see cutter's "unfit" entry) She likes to drink. She says not in excess and god I hope not. She went to visit this guy where he's living now in PA without her parents knowing about it (yes, lying). She didn't tell me everything yet. She did tell me about her experience with Jack Daniels and about a time when her boyfriend was stoned out of his mind. She said that she's made him stop the drugs but apparently he was locked up when he was younger. -Please tell me that you agree that this guy is nothing but a bad trip- My friend was and maybe still is a straight A student and she could do anything she wants. I don't want her to get hurt or used or anything like that. She's just going to the bottle and his guy to get away from her problems even though she knows full fucking well that their not going to go away. I don't want to see her start now and throw everything that she is and can be away just for a good time. She has so much to offer. I told her this. I thought I was going to have a heart attack when I found out all of this last night. She doesn't seem to think it's anything that's not at least somewhat under her control. But still to have never dated anyone and then to start dating this guy. Sounds like bad news to me. I told her and we both know that she ultimately has to deal with her own decisions. I love my friend and she's been though a lot already and I don't want her to go through more again. She shouldn't and she shouldn't have to go to this guy to validate who or what she is or to make things better. She's the only one who can change things for herself. I do not think they have had sex and she said they didn't and I believe her on that. They have had oral sex (that sounds a bit too formal) and more than once. I don't think she really even likes giving it. I got the feeling that she was a little ashamed. It was like am I the only sane person left? I thought she was but I don't know.
Inwardly I've grown so much over the past years but perhaps outwardly I'm still in my shell more so than I ought to be at this point. I've probably held on to things that really weren't important. It's pathetic but I don't have anyone to tell things to. Everyone is moving on and has their own things to deal with. But to think that two of my closest friends really aren't much so anymore is a bit of a jolt. I'll be moving on too. I've always valued my alone time but sometimes it's like who do I turn to now? I do owe so much to my parents for who I am morally and otherwise. I have always had a keen sense of what was important to me and I never want to lost that. I have to always be true to who I am and not lose sight of what is genuine and worthwhile. I would have given up a long time ago if I did not have that strength. That is the only thing I have. I don't tell my parents about things much because they have so much on their plates, especially now. I think I'm done a pretty good job dealing with things and at not being influenced by the shit that teens my age do. I never had the need to do any of that and I'm glad for that. It just seems a bit disheartening and a bad time to be totally separating with some things that I thought would be at least some what constant. It gets to me from time to time. Sometimes I hate to think about how alone we all are but we all have to walk our own path. Life experience. I'm lacking. Is it stupid for me to think that people are still fully capable of high morals?
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more music recommendations
01.16.05 (5:29 pm) [edit]In between actual entires are some music recommendation s:
Revolver: Some think this is the Beatles at their best. This album touches on quite a few different areas of sound. I definitely like this album a lot but some of the songs sound too much like filler. Second or third to Abbey Road. Still, get this. Highlights: "Eleanor Rigby," "Yellow Submarine," "Good Day Sunshine," "And Your Bird Can Sing," "For No One" and "Got to Get You into My Life." > Most of the album. "Taxman" is fun too.
Past Masters, Vol. 2: Collection of non-EP Beatles. Great collection and Hey Jude is found here!
Bootleg Series, Vol. 4: Bob Dylan live in '66. Actually recorded in Manchester and not at Royal Albert Hall in London. Many consider this the best live rock album of all time. The recording was definitely historic Dylan. It's worth exploring all the different periods of Bob Dylan. Poetry in motion.
Notes from the Underground: Medeski Martin & Wood. The first record from this popular avant-garde jazz band. I like a few of their songs from their post Underground albums but this album is smooth. Some comment that if they wanted the kind of jazz on this one that they'd just go to the classics but it is uniquely MMW before they went crazy. Highlight: United.
The Best of Django Reinhardt: Blue Note collection from the 30s-40s swing jazz master. Very enjoyable listening here. I heard a version of Minor Swing towards the beginning of Chocolat and wanted to explore further. Great upbeat music.
-(From upbeat (above) to very mellow (below)-
Beyond the Missouri Sky (Short Stories): Bassist Charlie Haden and Pat Metheny. I tried to like Pat Metheny's stuff but just couldn't. Maybe the upcoming release will prove otherwise. However, this album is very, very low key. Reviewers have called it "bedtime/nighttime music" or "put me to sleep, dull," but if you are in the right mood then it is great. Very mellow, sublime, just drift off with this one... & nbsp;
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all over the place...
01.11.05 (7:42 am) [edit]First post of the new year. Already almost half way through January.? Volume three of the blog has been up for about six months now and it's not going anywhere anytime soon- except over to Korea- I'm looking forward to blogging in Korea this fall.
A few updates and thoughts on the past month or so:
School and work are the same. Mid-terms next week, two alternative ones. Hours are being cut back at work = I don't have an excuse to not study for mid-terms.
My dad interviewed with Parsons down in NC last week. Hopefully that comes through, not to live in NC but probably back to MD. The house still hasn't sold but this couple still hasn't made up their mind and we had another promising showing over the weekend. It's like a ball was thrown up in the air and we're just waiting for gravity to act and pull it back down to earth. Yeah, that's how it is right now.
My brother heads back to college at the end of next week and then my mom will be back in MD for about a week or so. Just me and my dad = happy. We're going to Quebec for a few days over February break at the end of the month. We want to get up there before we move over the summer. I think my mom and I are going back to New York to visit my cousin again over April break. I guess I'm still going to the FHS prom at the end of May. Haven't gotten a hold of Pat but I guess that is still a go- unfortunately. I'd rather just not go to either. Hopefully Dianna and I will be able to get together over the summer once I figure out where I'm moving to and before she heads off to college and me to Korea. Korea - geeze - still hasn't hit me.
Things have been fairly stationary lately but I've felt all over the place the past few weeks or so. Hormones? I don't know- hormones get a bad rep. It's hard to materialize everything. There's this hole in my heart that my mind and soul are having a hard time compensating for. In a way I've felt more lost then I have in a long while lately. It's like I'm walking around half blind- with one eye open. Or one eye closed. I still have this thing about figuring out what I'm doing with my life. I have this "larger than life" need to do something truly worthwhile but I don't know how to do it. I don't really want to get married etc., well with maybe one exception. I realize that I'm really good at waiting. It feels like that's all I've been doing. Waiting, waiting and more waiting. A really good dose of patience. I wonder if I'll ever actually make it to college. I've thought about traveling more after Korea but then we run into the issue of those funds. Maybe I'll join AmeriCorps like I thought I was going to, after Korea. Maybe I'll join Greenpeace then. I figure that I'll get to college at some point.
It's like if I feel like giving up now before I even try then what's going to happen down the road? My worst fear is just completely giving up one day when I'm in my thirties of forties. I still don't want to be dependent or dependent on other people. I just want to travel and do my own thing- whatever that may be. Keep being a free spirit. I think it would be awesome to study abroad in Greece at some point. I'll like to head out west before too long too. Over the weekend my dad and I made a pact to go skydiving before he dies- we have about 35 years. I think my brother is going to go too.
It is still a strange time. Not necessarily the best way to start off the year but I feel that I've become much closer to being a better person. As best I can be for now. A lot better then I used to be. Things have changed. Life rolls on. I just want simplicity ;in life. Throw out the superfluous.
We were talking about it in psych. yesterday: Things change so much from the span of 11 to 21. Why is it all condensed into those quick ten years? It's like when you're 16 or 17 you're still considered a kid but once your 18 you're pushed out and once you hit 21 you better fly right and have you're act together. Sure people mature (hopefully) by then but why does society think that things change that much in those short years? I'm not a kid so much anymore but I don't necessarily feel ready to step out and up to "adult responsibilities," even though I think when the time comes I will be able to. I feel like I'm on that brink. In a lot of ways I never feel like I'm ready for anything and in a lot of ways I don't think there will ever be an exact time when I do feel a readiness. I don't think life works that way. In the past when it came time for certain things they either never came or they were not a big deal. More often then not that's how it usually works. As frustrated as I may get there is just too much to live for. I can't afford to make excuses for myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm held together by tons of tiny bows. If the strings are pulled then I start falling apart. I guess it's not necessarily supposed to be the "easiest" thing to be true to who you are and what you believe in- it shouldn't be. I wish I could completely ignore what I feel and just constantly push onward with total determination and perserverance. - I saw this cute "How many lightbulbs joke" yesterday: How many cancers does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer was: One, but it'll require a therapist to get through the grieving process. - Ha.
My "friend" (hmm, the friend that I happen to love but that's a whole nother four year story in itself) and I were talking the other day and somehow we got onto the subject of being mature and what not. He asked me if I had had any romances lately. (me and romances = ?) I said no and he said it's because you're too mature. I said something along the lines of I guess so to some extent. He said being mature at our age is both a blessing and a curse. I think that now that definitely applies. Still, I wouldn't want to me anyone or "anything" other than who or what I am.
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