life (for now) on the midshore

"God cares for you," coffee, the reason...

07.30.04 (7:40 pm)   [edit]
I went to sleep at 2 am and then opened my eyes a little before 10 this morning. I was just about to get out of bed because my neighbor mowing the lawn was too loud. Then I heard a knock on the door and then an even louder knock. I thought it might have been my mom- I didn't know if she was awake or not. I got out of bed, threw some clothes on and answered the door. It was this lady named Debbie. I should have invited her in but stupidly I let tons of mosquitos inside. She said how it's hard to be optimistic these days and asked about my feelings on the future. Turns out she's a Jehovah's Witness. Further into the conversation she asked if I was fimilar with JW and I told her how my good friend (Hellenbabe) is a JW. I told her how I was raised Christian but how it isn't for me, shared my views, blah, blah, etc. As I was getting millions of bug bites I figured I might as well give this Debbie lady the time of day. She was a nice lady and she was just trying to act on her faith in the manner that she believed necessary. She asked if I wanted some JW "literature" and I said sure- that would have been a bit rude to decline. It's not ever day that you wake up to that at your door.

I closed again tonight. There were four of us on but we still didn't get out until ten of 10. I work 4-8 tomorrow- not closing?! It'll be the sixth sunday in a row that I worked all day. Then again for the seventh the next sunday- joy.

My dad seemed a little out of it but maybe it was just him being tired. We'll still be $450 a month in the hole even if we cut out basic things. Perhaps my mom is seeing the light- the reality- of the situation. Today was the first day for Powerball in Maine. I sent my dad an e-mail telling him to play for the jackpot of 54 million. Ha.

I started reading [i]Big Fish [/i]last night and was going to "write in my journal"- that's so cheesy.

It seems like I can't escape love- maybe I don't want to either. Right before falling asleep last night I was pondering "what is love?" What really is love? Like so many other things it's so difficult to pin point exactly what it really is. Relating to life in general sometimes it is difficult to discern what is real. I don't know. Thinking of love- maybe it also involves beauty, happiness, things along those lines. I think that we all strive to be love. God, the higher power, that something more is love. Beyond the romantic context- love is everything beyond human flaw and shortcomings. Maybe love is another one of those things beyond understanding. Hmm, maybe it's one of those things that is not meant to be logical or understood. Perhaps love really is beyond the mind and truly a matter of the heart. Love is the best of the human spirit. I can't and partly I don't want to believe that underneath or beyond everything else love will ever fail.

Some recent "examples" of love- beauty, happiness... I was locked out of my house one day and I went down to my neighbor's house. The mother and her youngest son were home and then her younger daughter came home. Just the way the daughter spoke to her mom and especially the way the mom looked and smiled at her daugther. That was pure love- it was beautiful. It really hit me and it made me happy. They are such good people. Ha, just today when my mom was trying to sing along to the oldies in the rental car that still smells a bit of smoke.

I caught myself in a weird mood while first at work tonight. This guy smiled and I didn't smile back- later on I was like, Sheena, snap out of it. Hormones. I haven't ever really done a very mindful job of really, truly, genuinely "relishing" (don't like that word, need another...) in every single moment. I hate (I hate to hate) that mindset that everything that is happening or that I'm doing in the "present" moment is somehow in sequence with this larger "plan" of action to meet some result later on. I hate the "past, present, future" mindset.

Sometimes I wonder why I even have these impluses to write (or type) all these pieces of thoughts, feelings, ramblings, etc. Constant- at least near constant- introspection.

Back to "love..."

Everyone really wants to be appreciated, approved of, validated for who and what they are. I can want to be such an island but everyone essentially is linked, bound to everyone else. Everyone just wants to be loved. Man, I need to get the English assignment back so I don't have to re-hash my "commentary" on "romantic relationships." Ah, it's such a human instinct to want love and to believe in romantic love. It's everywhere, all around us. Love song after love song, etc. etc. God, I even find myself in love. Love is worth it, all of it. We need to have that deep bond, connection with someone- with everyone on some level. Love really forces you to strip down to your humanity. Love makes you look within in a real way. Perhaps love is the only real and worthwhile force. Love is selfless. I could go on and on but I'm stumbling with trying to find the right words... Hmm, I find myself typing about love and how we all need it and then I also find myself so cynical about marriage etc. Deep, deep, deep in the innermost parts of my heart I do want to share in a lasting, genuine, honest, meaningful romantic relationship. First love does last forever. Further then that I do want to be a mother. Wow. I've done a pretty good job at surpressing all of these things. All of it just seems so natural.

Happiness... Only relevant. I think we all rarely experience true happiness, eh. I don't know. I came just outside the ballpark maybe when I was running cross country as a freshmen. Despite my aunt's often flood of emotions I was truly happy during my visits to see her and the PA crew during the summers since I was two. This may be my last coming up in mid-august. (Wow- just had a deja vu moment...) Following the visits I remember sometimes saying that I wouldn't go again the next year because of my aunt's emotional situation. Last year she had a near breakdown. Oh my aunt. I love her so much though. Those times we we went to Blue Ball (yeah yeah, don't go there...) to Shady Maple or when we went camping. I loved the "essence" (need a better word there too) of her house on McKinley. I loved how she, how nobody, locked their doors. I loved just walking right into her house. Going down to the Owl's Field. Especially going thru the Country Pride drive-thru to get that ice cream. I loved that the most. In her old blue 80s Nissan. Stains but she always had a potpurri sachet in the backseat. For all those reasons etc. I love the feel of PA. It'll always be my second home.

All of that love and happiness was beauty.

I could keep typing but I won't. Sometimes I get sick of all the reflecting. Like right now- I'll end.

Just me, Paul, Ringo, John, George & that same bug crawling across the computer screen...

07.29.04 (9:19 pm)   [edit]
Ok, it probably isn't [i]the[/i] same bug- probably it's sister, brother, cousin but you get the point. ...just start writing (typing). Worked an 8.5 hour shift today~ 1-close. Close tomorrow night again. Not much to say tonight but figured that I'd go ahead and pull some stuff out of my (haha) anyway.

My dad got back from another one of his trips to Poughkeepsie, NY tonight. Talked about what's up with his job and all, blah. He said that we'll talk about it over the weekend- meaning with my mom. Doubt that we'll move before the school year begins considering that there are only about 5 weeks until that time, oy. Maybe we'll move into an apartment sometime. He said that he's trying to calculate how much we'll "be in the hole" before making decisions. Doubt that moving half way thru the school year would fly with my mom. Still, no decision or "plan." What happened to me just flying by the seat of my pants and not wanting or caring about plans?

Onto other things...

I did catch the coverage of the DNC tonight- Kerry's speech. I would not be surprised if he actually did win the election at this point. (God-willing anyone over Bush). I'm optimistic to (want to) believe that he'll actually (try to) do what he says he's going to do. You'd think that if he made all these "promises" in front of the nation he'd go thru with them. Most likely it'll be like every president before, but if that happens I'll personally have to show him the tape of his DNC speech. Ha, he even said that he wouldn't raise taxes for the middle class. Clinton said he wouldn't either- maybe by now people won't fall for that one. So yeah, Kerry is definitely bettah for the job then Bush but he's basically telling everyone what they want to hear- duh. Hmm, I'm still really hoping that he'll go thru with his energy policy plans. I wrote an article for the paper earlier during the school year- during the primary- I checked out his website and he said that he'd make the U.S. independent of foreign oil in I want to say ten years- I hope so. If anything I hope Kerry will follow thru on that one. Not to mention the AHS picture featured in the Kerry article in TIME- Dianna, awesome!

Enough about shitty "U.S. politics."

I got the application in the mail from Sarah Lawrence yesterday. I doubt that I could apply this year for acceptance next year. Need serious financial aid and doubt that even with it I wouldn't be heavy in debt following "an extraordinary liberal arts education." My dad did mention a firm in Philadelphia and so maybe it's a sign for Drexel, haha. Got "literature" from Bates too but also doubt that we'll be in Maine (that I'd stay) and more selective then Sarah Lawrence and still too expensive. Wait, ha, it's still summer so why should I even think about college or all of that? It's 1:20 in the morning but I'm not tired in the slightest.

I meant to type a profound entry about life, love, all the above but I guess I'll go read some before sleep. Write more tomorrow night...

The emergence of Austria, Russia and Prussia can wait for Simon & Garfunkel and the blog...

07.27.04 (6:23 pm)   [edit]
I decided to read some more of [i]Modern European History [/i] a little while ago considering that school will be starting in about a month and I still know next to nothing about European history- not nearly enough to venture the AP class. Oh well, that can wait- everything can wait when it comes to writing. My brother turns 19 tomorrow and it'll be three weeks since I turned 17. My dad turns 55 on the 7th. All great people were born on the 7th of a month, hehe. I'll have to see how long it's been since I made an entry... The senior class picnic is this saturday but I'm not sure that I'm going to go- rather I don't want to go. I will probably go to pick up my stupid senior t-shirt and to get my mom out of my hair about it then. The other night I came in a little after 1:30 from a friend's house. We'd gone swimming, four of us and then we went back to Julie's house and just talked. I knew I should have probably left an hour before I did- my dad ended up calling. I gave Kerry a ride home and then I went home. I went upstairs to the (in my mind) "what my parents were supposed to say/do" aka "highly authoritative": why were you out so late, we never let Geoffrey out that late, you said you'd be home, you broke your promise (oh man, that was killer), don't try to act superior, what are you saying??! I asked them what I was supposed to say, if I had the right to say anything- then I said, what else am I supposed to say- I'm sorry. My dad said, fine, that's all we/I wanted to hear. Whatever, ha. My parents and I never (maybe very rarely) "argue" because: 1) I'm not argumentative at all & 2) when the hell do I ever do anything wrong? She said the fact that I never stay out late wasn't good enough, blah, blah. I went to bed then- it's their "job" to try to be authoritative sometimes, right? On the way home I was thinking to decide whether to: a) just nod, agree with what they said, "apologize or b) try to get my/a "point" across and try to tell them to cut the parental shit with me. It is true that I've never done anything remotely "bad" or caused them much undue stress. Thinking about it I really could have screwed up so badly by now. I could have put them thru a lot of shit, deep shit by now. Geeze. I have this thing about not liking to admit that they- yes, probably- did have a "large impact on the way that I turned out" (did I admit to that, ouch). It resurfaced to me the other day- why don't/ why aren't I able to talk to my mom? Why can't I just go up to her and ask her what's going thru her mind, how does she feel, etc. We really have never had a "serious conversation" about anything profound or worthwhile- once, just once this past school year and she ended up crying. That was after another serious conversation with my dad but my dad and I can actually talk about things that matter anyway... I didn't mean for this entry to be about my parents. At dinner (it was just my parents and I since my brother was still at work) (I have this huge problem of beginning sentences with prepositions, ugh, I like it though) my dad told us that his salary has been cut $19,000- probably starting with his next pay check. I guess this all confirms the fact that the whole Maine-architecture thing is not going to work for much longer. My dad still wants us to stay until I graduate. She said for him to find work up here until then. Still with the state of architecture up here I don't know how the situation will pan out. He's not sure what his next move is going to be but there is no way he/we can make it- atleast up here- post- salary cut. I was in reading not to long ago and we briefly got to talk about it. He did mention that we might just move somewhere and then he'd look for a job. Things change, whatever happens happens. Not too much in that area surprises me these days. I guess I'll/we'll know soon (maybe not) enough. I heard back from the Animal Refuge League and so I'll be volunteering in the fall then. I checked about tai chi and they said that it may be starting back up in the fall too. I started trying to look at colleges a but more in depth recently. I sent away for more information from Bates, Clark, Sarah Lawrence, UConn and Drexel. The first three are a bit too expensive and the last two might be a little to big so I still don't know. With the situation with my dad's work and all I'm about 80% sure that I won't go to college the fall of '05. Maybe Bates if we're still in Maine- doubt it. Clark if I'm convinced to stay in New England. I would love to go to Sarah Lawrence but it is so expensive. I feel as though I might get lost in all the sea of things at UConn and then Drexel in Philadephia- don't know if I want to be in the thick of all the brotherly love. All five are on "the list" as potential colleges but all in good time. Still thinking about going to Honduras over spring break with the church. Whip out my old Spanish skills, haha. Still have to get my Korean skills out of the box. It seems like I usually "blog" when something more on the "negative" side has happened. Why don't I blog more just from day-to-day or to remark about all the positive things? It's probably not best to split things into duality like that though. Still, there are so many positive things to just be happy, blessed about. "So much beauty in the world." In a way I do wish that we'd sell the house, maybe move, my dad could do what he actually wants to do and that we'd really be a family. With the fly-by year ahead I just want to take things completely day-by-day and just be mindful. I want to write and right now I want to start a new program to help homeless people. Will I look back at all my high-minded "dreams?" Who knows. I may continue the Korea venture to other parts of the globe to do conservation work for awhile. It all comes back to my being such a contridiction- one in the midst of always two. Not being a very "good" Taoist, ehh. It washed over me the other night that everyone just wants love. Joeseeker reexamined "what is love?" recently. In some conclusion love is what everyone wants to be. That "something" more is love in it's pure form. In some end everyone wants to be better and fulfilled in some way. In some way I think everyone goes through such similar experiences in one way or another. In the midst of "all the ills of the world" on a more human level every single person goes thru the same things. It seems so difficult to cultivate genuine caring and understanding. It seems thay trying to do that will be even more difficult then starting the program for the homeless or even to help the environment. Coming back to the point about everyone just wanting love- even I just want love. Maybe I shouldn't downgrade being a wife and mother so much, I don't know. In such a strange way I really do want just that. That does scare me more then trying to genuinely make a difference in the world etc. Here I go again... still, "all is groovy" and life keeps moving on.

7:30 wake-up, Steve's pants are singing again, Chex and crunch...

07.22.04 (7:51 pm)   [edit]
I woke up today at the oh so un-godly time of 7:30. I've usually been getting at least another two hours since summer started. -I'm not a morning person (hench me typing this entry now)- I was supposed to have the outdoor shots for my stupid senior pictures done this morning at 9:30. They called at the last minuet to cancel due to fog and rescheduled for monday.

Worked again on the night crew tonight- got home about forty-five minutes ago. Steve asked me to work for him tomorrow night so I said yes. Probably going to do some running around (I need to literally too) tomorrow. I have to take my mom to work at 2:00 and then it's back to the coffee shop at 5:30. I was supposed to go to a baseball game with my dad and my brother tomorrow night but that's a no-go now. He'll be 19 on wednesday- crazy- and he goes back to college in a few weeks. He's taking calc. 3 and discrete math- you'd have to shoot me. In a lot of ways I feel like I'm coping out by not taking calc. next year- I signed up for stat. & prob. instead. No idea how that's going to go. I'm trying to talk myself into believing that "oh, it won't be to bad..." I have the same teacher that I had for second semester pre-calc this past year. I saw him in Borders a few weeks ago and needless to say he got my name wrong-ha-whatever. Oh well, my first semester pre-calc teacher pretty much said that I'm just not going to be "cut out for calculus next year." Unfortunately, I don't want to admit that she was right. I should go back and learn algebra and geometry all over again. I really hate math. Sometimes I think it would be great to have a mathematical mind but that just isn't me at all. My physics teacher said something along the lines of that I shouldn't close doors by not learning more math now, blah, blah. I have no idea how I will survive calculus whenever I do take it. I almost failed pre-calc first semester but I make a re-bound with an 85 second semester with switching teachers. Eh, all in all physics wasn't too bad, but in the past I've managed As or Bs in science classes. I have no idea how I got an 85 on the final either. I still have to see when my USM English class starts and I'm thinking about coping out on Latin I. My mom said, "...see I told you it's going to be too much. It's your senior year- leave some room for some study halls (me thinking: yeah, study halls, just what I need mom). Ov yey, I may give Latin I a chance with the rest of them. I've been trying to get back to "enlightening" myself about European history since 1450 for the AP class. I've made virtually no attempt to introduce myself to enviornmental science. I'm taking that AP class online. My cousin teaches "enviro. sci." at Franklin Pierce College (he said he's surprised- maybe disgusted- about how little the freshmen know) and so I'm sure I'll be in contact with him a lot this coming year. I told him that I could definitely get into FPC (who couldn't? selectivity rating=59, ha) but he said, oh no, you don't want to go there.

Ah, speaking of APs... I got my AP U.S. History score in the mail the other day. I got a 4. Oy, I pretty much knew a 5 was out of the question but I was still keeping a glimmer of "hope" alive. I ran "you got a 4 because you didn't finish the last essay" thru my head. I don't consider myself too grade conscience or academically competitive in many respects. A 5 would have been nice just because I had done better in the AP class then most everyone else. (This is me not being modest since I'm always modest) I got a 95 for first semester and a 98 second semester. Oh well, what's done is done. I can be "well qualified" instead of "extremely well qualifed." I went to the drive-in movie the other night with some friends. They asked me about my AP score. They both got 5s of course. The one also got a 5 on her AP bio. exam. Her dad is a doctor and she wants to go to Harvard to also become a doctor. The other girl will probably be the valedictorian of our class, either her or this guy whose also a brain but wants to join the Marines. "The few, the proud, ya-da, ya-da." The would-be valedictorian wants to go to Yale- he parents both went to Yale. They are both huge Lord of The Rings fans too. Don't get me wrong- I love LOTR too. I'm thinking about going to see the exhibit this fall at the Boston Science Center. Anyway... they said that they are a bit embarrased to have to tell people where they want to go, ugh. They are both very nice and I wonder how they seem so "together." Well, I'm sure they will both graduate from college with honors and then probably make millions if not help take over the world. I hate "comparing myself to others"- especially when it comes to something as shallow as school- but I'd have to say that I felt very incompetent amongst those two during that conversation. Then there's my old genius friends...

"Peeling back some layers" I'm hoping that I'll hear back from the IIIHR program before to long. My mom and I got on the subject today. She still thinks that I should work then and take core classes locally. Where ever we happpen to be living. "I can always transfer." I hate that little part within me that's telling me that I'm "failing", I'm "failing." That if I don't go to college the fall of 2006 then I'm really, really failing. That isn't me at all- I'm putting my foot down on that one. In all honesty deep underneath all I've said about doing my own thing and just flying by the seat of my pants- insecurities- I feel like I'm failing now and that I've been a failure my whole life, I've always been a failure at everything. On another level that I'm not smart enough, not nearly ever pretty enough, talented in any regard- I'll end the list. Thinking that way isn't true to who I am either though. It's just that in some strange, probably untrue, reason I feel like the next one, five, maybe ten years I'll have so many doors open to me and I don't want to go and screw things up and then have them close on me later as a result of screwing up, not thinking before I act- maybe even for thinking before I act- I have this feeling that based on decisions I make I'll later be stuck. Stuck. I know that yes "everyone has to make decisions" and some that do affect more major things than others but I don't want to do something out of haste or necessity and then have to backfire.

Ok, this is definitely the control freak Sheena coming out tonight. The part of me that only want plans, plans, plans and lots of security. The part of me that wants to have everything in nice, neat, little boxes with no confusion whatsoever. No decisions, no worries- wait, maybe to many worries- thinking that that is what I want to "be happy." Happiness is relevant. The uptight, cold part of me. The part of me that has my head stuck to far up my ass to think logically. The part of me driven by feeling-emotion rather then logic-reason. Here we go again. Then another part of me- sometimes I wonder where I ever got it from- tells me to just chill, relax, everything works itself out. Fly by the seat of your pants, don't have plans, be adventurous, do your own thing, give the rest of the world the middle finger. Haha, no the part of me that tells me that the only thing worthwhile is to help other people out of genuinely wanting to better people's lifes and not out of self-fulfillment or wanting to see some result. All in all I do not think that a college degree will enable me to do what I think and feel is really worthwhile. Taking classes, getting that diploma so I can "survive in modern America" won't really enable me to create positive change. I seriously don't know why people think that going to college and getting [i]that[/i] job is the definition of that something more. See I guess I'm going to say that I'm letting myself be influenced by that mentality to think that I'm a failure if I don't go along with what every schmoe thinks he or she is "supposed to do."

Resurfacing... I find myself thinking "I don't know" a lot, ha. Despite all my indecision etc. I'm still so happy. I got a letter back from the Animal Refuge League and so I'll be volunteering there starting in the fall. It's the summer- how could I not be happy? I figure that I can either wallow in my worry and insecurity or try to run from it but that ultimately I'm the only fucking person who can determine my actions. All in all I have to take care of my own shit because sure as hell nobody else will ever. I can't run from it- I don't know (here we go again) why I can't get that thru my head for once. I'd sincerely like to think that I'm not nearly this self-centered of a bitch but it's just me and my thoughts and feelings in private on the blog. Writing, well typing right now, to get all my cards on the table (hate the analogy). 1) Must work on not being so critical and judgemental 2) Must lighten up and not be consumed by worry (I've always said that "I'm not a worrier") 3)-infinity) pretty much. So yeah I'm attempting to look at colleges from time to time but also deep down in my heart, in my soul, I don't want convention, I have to follow my heart. Yet again I have no idea how I will ever make all these big "dreams" a reality. That is what I must do but I have no idea how to do it. I watched American Beauty the other day, maybe I'm being too thick headed but I thought it would go a little deeper. Yes, there is so much beauty in the world though and I can't help smiling. Right now I can't stop itching now that I've gotten another bug bite somehow. "...start from scratch and keep on scratching." No grand "conclusion" tonight...

P.S: Chex and crunch: I was eating Chex and Kashi Go Lean Crunch willing typing this entry

Dreams

07.21.04 (8:21 am)   [edit]
Some dreams I've had this month...

07.08.04

*I was with some church group and we went tent camping. The yellow tent caught on fire and then I tried to put it out. (campfire) I think it rained then because I remember thinking about sleeping in wet clothes.
*Dianna was wearing a white dress
*I was telling Mr. Ledman about possible plans to move
*Red rollercoaster
*I was in the right corner in the group picture

Interpretation:

*Fire: Put out a fire and you will overcome your problems. Any kind of burning is a positive sign- if it's wood, it shows what a lively mind you've got.
*Friend: Childhood friend signifies regression into your past where you had no responsibilites and things were much simpler and carefree. Consider the relationship you had with this friend and then lessons learned. May also mean that you need to start acting like an adult.
*Rollercoaster: Experiencing erractic behavior brought on by yourself or a situation. Up and downs in waking life.
*Dress: Femininity, white dress=pure and angelic
*Rain: Signifies you will soon be cleansed from trobles and problems, fertilitity and renewal. To see and heard rain falling=forgiveness and grace

07.09.04

*Crying: long lost brother- looked like [u]my[/u] [u]dad[/u]?
*Reluctance: running camp, four mile course, Coach Kelly in my bathroom in Frederick, Mrs. Waterhouse
* Old red house, stairs on side leading to top floor/attic
*Stage, helping escort but hiding behind curtain, I could see thru but could audience see me? Beauty pagent?
*Saw Jordan in audience
*Then audience was cloud like, blue, green, purple. darker

Interpretation:

*Crying: release of negative emtions more likely caused by waking life, way to regain some emotional balance, safely let out fears and frustrations, defense mechanisms no longer on guard, release of such emotions as we've ignored, denied or represed during waking life.
*Stage: Side stage=introspectiveness
*Audience: Fears of having personal feelings/provate thoughts discovered or revealed.
*Crush: Literal reflection of attraction and fascination of that person, current infatuation with person

Middle of July- towards end of month

*Pennsylvania: McKinley Ave? Telford Ave? Residential streets. Trying to find my way back instead of taking train- croseed wet grass with those white/pink flowers. Court (cul-de-sac), yellow house, gress shutters. Weird Isralie guy from Hover disk stand. Me- possibly partly clothed trying to find my way back

Interpretation: (very literal)

*Street: Life path, condition of road=control over direction of your life
*Lost: Lost direction or goals, worried or insecure about path you are taking in life, adjusting to a new situation where things are ever changing

07.19.04

*School: SHS hallway, Courtney with lots of freckles, maybe get together. My locker- football poster
*Outside: FHS, mom looking for my car but then she's the one who drove it, keys
*Killing: part of two or three, shot or stabbed, I was either killer or his subconcious, blond guy, teenager. Waiting to see principal of school for killing (no idea why). Saw news report about killing. Lady sitting by us while we waited making yellow car out of paper. Me= crying a lot in dreams, "it haunts me."

Interpretation:

*Mother: having conversation with=a matter has preoccupied your mind, unsure how to deal with it in waking life, unsolved problems still need to be worked out with mother
*Freckles: "popular with opposite sex. Enjoy it!"
*Killing: Under a lot of stress, witness a killing and a change is coming which you are not going to like. See someone killed by a gun and it's time to put an unpleasant period of life behind you and start afresh. If you fire the fatal shot then you are in for a disappointment with the opposite sex. Represents part of your life you wish would go away because it is a nuisance. Killing old parts of yourself or old habits.
*Crying: (see past entry)

Bringing me back...

07.16.04 (8:32 pm)   [edit]

In somewhat of a continuation from last nights entry. I didn't even plan on staying online and I never drink soda, let alone diet Pepsi, but I am now. Maybe time is catching up with me again.

I think I've nearly mastered the ability to slack off, detach myself from "reality," and convince myself that in some mixed up way everything is fine. I like it, ha. It's a bit weird that I have a lot of suppossedly "large decisions concerning my future" to make but that I allow myself to attempt to take it in stride. Right now I'm thinking that I'll figure something out and just fly by the seat of my pants again. In this so-called uncertain world pretty much everything is uncertain right now. My dad has no aspirations right now but he did tell me that there is a good opening down in Louisiana. He recently told me that he sent his resume to a firm in Baltimore. He doesn't really want to go back to the shit in Maryland though. I told him to just make a move. A week or two ago he said that it was the first time that the state of the firm up here really really scared him. He doesn't want it to tank in the winter and then try to sell the house then. Who knows. Whatever happens happens whenever it happens.

I guess it all goes along with the whatever happens mentality for me too. I suppose that I should fumble around with trying to look at college stuff again. I doubt that I will have any better ideas as to how to go to college to survive monetarily and do something that matters. I would really like to just write. Other then that I want to learn how to surf at some point. I don't think there is anything quite like riding nature like that. Surf bum Sheena- great, great. I think I would really like to create or join some program to help homeless people. If I can't do something internationally then I'd like to do something like that here. I've always been concerned about the trash problem, pollution etc. but I'm beginning to think that we damaged everything beyond much repair and that part of it is just natural. There's also the AIDS epidemic, that's crazy. If I would go into anything medical then I'd go into research for MS. Relatives on my mom's side have MS and two of my friend's parents had/have MS. It is so horrible. I have no idea how I'm going to create positive change in the world. I'll sure try my best though.

Jumping to another subject... Friendship really is good for the soul. Often when I want to give up a friend comes along and makes me believe that I can keep going just a little longer. I hope I've been able to do that for them too. It is a beautiful thing. Along the lines of graduation and onward- with everyone going and doing there thing- I have really enjoyed growing up with so many awesome people. A few have managed to move, heck I moved to Maine, but they all remind me to just be myself and to stop taking things so seriously. To name a few- Hellen: She is such an awesome person. Out of so many people she definitely deserves happiness. She is such a smart girl and she just makes me laugh. My punk Hellen. Dianna: Ahh, such an open, promising future for her. Seriously, that girl could practicly do anything that she wants to. I'm so glad we've been friends for going on six years and I'm looking forward to seeing her continue to grow as we ride the wave. Sam(antha): Ms. HS! I met her in 8th grade gym class and I didn't know that we'd be as good of friends as we have ended up being now. I'm really glad for it though. Freshmen XC, good times. Lots of inside jokes- the panty mission- silk panty mission, haha. All the great Frederick people- lots of great memories, oh lord. They say that if you find one true friend then you're doing well. I'm doing quite well then. Sometimes I really missed the nine years in Maryland. At times I'm glad that I got to start over from it and all in all I'm glad that I did get to. I just miss the people, maybe some security too, oy. So-called carefree days. Ha, I'm still pretty carefree all in all. Me, the slacker. I never really believed in best friends though. Alright, I'd better go to sleep now that I'm drifting... Good night again.

17th summer, coffee & confusion kills...etc.

07.15.04 (6:55 pm)   [edit]

The middle of July of my seventeenth summer. I got called into work today, but I don't work again until Sunday- all day. Oh well, I have to make my millions somehow, ha.

I guess I'll just jump into writing this entry...

My eyes are tired and writing this entry probably isn't helping. Well, I got the indoor shots of my senior pictures taken today in the very un-Sheena-like girly outfit. I was in a quite tight pink tank top, flowery skirt and heeled sandals. It's been raining up here intermittenly for at least a week or so. I'm getting the outdoor pictures taken out at Ft. Williams, by the Portland Head Light, next week.

I suppose that my monthly friend was an aid in my inability to fall asleep due to thinking... and more thinking. I realize that my "plan" is to go to Korea but there is no guarantee that I'll hear back from the IIIHR program in a timely manner. I have not heard back from the volunteer program at the Animal Refuge League but I realized that I don't necessarily need to volunteer this year, even though I'm going to. It also recently dawned on me that since "it's all about Korea" I haven't really looked at colleges. None of that stuff. Holy crap. If Korea doesn't pan out then I'll just be stuck in Maine, maybe up here, as a townie.

I think it was while I was watching tv the other day and it ran through my mind that I'll be graduating and then flung into the end of my teen years. I can't put my finger on the uncertainty or anything like that for the life of me. A big part of me just wants to stop and push it all away.

At the same time life just keeps happening whether or not I'll ever be "ready or prepared" to any extent. I'm still scared out of my mind, terrified, stupified, and yet I'm still the happy weirdo. Oh lord.

Lately, it seems like whenever I want to finally give up something reminds me of what is really important. It's like I get a kick in the butt. Either just a flicker of changed perspective, something that makes me smile, a call from an old friend, a letter from a far away friend. Ok, now I'm getting to poetic- I must stop myself.

And how self-centered these entries are, wah.

It also surprised me a bit that the very thing that I'm saying I don't want is somehow the very thing that I do want...

I'll write again soon. My mind is drifting off again...

What kind of girl...

07.15.04 (2:41 pm)   [edit]

A GAME-BOY. Youre like a tomboy without the love of
sports. Reality sucks, but as long as you have
your electronics you feel you can cope. Time
goes unnoticed when youre locked in your room
hooked up to your Nintendo, rocking to your
favourite collection of guitar-driven
albums.

Your virtues: Intelligence, sense-of-humour,
individuality.

Your flaws: Inability to cope with real life,
action-freak spirit, reclusive nature.

Livingston Taylor, near 8 coffee, tired eyed backache etc...

07.11.04 (7:32 pm)   [edit]

Wow- I have no idea why I'm writing this now. My eyes are tired and my back hurts for any of several reasons. I'm back at the coffee shop tomorrow night... I should just go watch Harry Potter on TV. I went with my parents to the L.L. Bean summer concert series up in Freeport last night. Livingston Taylor played and he was quite good. I guess not having grown up a few generations back I can't fully appreciate having seen him. He was decked out in L.L. Bean clothing and everything. One of the songs was about why he wasn't born gay relating to the breakdown of his hetero relationship. Another was how he should "go herbal" and everything he shouldn't eat. He displayed his gee-tar skills with his example of "guitar gone Olympic style." How he'd compete if guitar playing was made an Olypmic event in Athens. He did end up losing the gold to Eric Clapton but did snag the bronze. Ha, I liked the performance and I enjoyed people watching- more like them eating.

I'll have to type in some of the "Best of" old journal entires sometime. How can it be approaching the middle of July? My brother will be heading back to college- big pimpin it in Salisbury, MD in a month. I still don't know much about European history despite an early effort to "enlighten" myself before diving into the AP class. I'm still waiting for my AP U.S. History exam score- not that I want to see it since I ran out of time while writing the last essay.

I started writing some "teenage confessions" the other night, however completley honest and embarassing, and then I drifted to childhood memories from pre-school to sixth grade. Oh man, maybe I can use them as an excuse when I end up in rehab- again and again, haha. I hadn't really thought about all those old memories for awhile. I guess I've been so narrowed on right now- that's maybe a first- recently. It's weird how sharply I remember not being able to stick up for myself back then, especially in fifth grade. It was like it couldn't speak at all. Out of all those young years I think fifth grade was the worst in that context. Maybe I'll type that entry into the blog sometime. Could all of that be why I turned out like I did? I doubt it...

It puzzles me how by some magic, when I was little, I began to learn a language and then learned how to interpret it for myself. How does the brain process the words and then eventually make sense of them when you're learning them as a little kid? It may sound stupid but sometimes while reading I think- that is really cool that somehow I've learned to interpret and understand a language. There was never a time that I don't remember being able to make sense of English at least.

Anyway, now I'm blabing... Going back to how people become who they are. I am really at a loss as to how I ended up as weird as I am today. I think being a teenager I like to try and discredit my parents just a little bit. I guess it does have to do with parenting, environment, blah, blah... I don't know. There should really be a procreation test. I mean you pretty much have to pass some ridiculious test for most anything so why not one for parenthood? It's pretty obvious that some people- maybe even most- shouldn't be allowed to have children for reasons of just not being qualified. Sure if there were a test there would probably be the question of where to draw the line and some schmoe would say, "I got a 79 and to pass you have to have an 80- but I was so close!" Haha. But in all seriousness just because people think, "ohh wouldn't it be nice to have a child," "we need that special addition," or even worse a random fuck- just a good time- to satisfy our animalistic need for sex- and a chance meeting of his sperm with your egg, how wonderful. I mean, sure I am only human, ugh, and I think sex is a wonderful, beautiful thing (I do have the teenage sex hormone overdrive from time to time). Ahh, my views on sex are alittle mixed up. Being raised anti-pre-marital sex and going to church, plus being the trash of two un-weds- I used to be so against pre-martial sex. Since deciding Christianity wasn't for me, religion just closes doors to others, (elaborate on that later) and my recent relationship with that special someone I don't know. Nowadays it seems pretty hard to find a guy over 18, around my age, that isn't a virgin- at least one who isn't looking to "become a man." It's kind of built in that being around my age you kind of have to sleep with a guy to stay with him. I wouldn't think that a guy would wait to have sex- he'd probably just as well hook up with someone who was willing to give up the goods. Enough of my oh so virginal thoughts... In terms of relationships is general- I think we're all looking to foster meaningful and lasting relationships. I'll have to type up my opinion on "romantic relationships" that I wrote for English class once I get it back from my aunt whose been thru one too many bad relationships. But still, today, I don't know if people are still looking for long term relationships. I wrote in that paper that it still comes down to the instinct to procreate and that maybe men and women are just too different. We're driven to procreate but can we really love each other genuinely enough to stay together?!? Yes, I'll have to type that up so I don't have to go thru a rehash of it here. My parents relationship- oy vey, I've disected that one here so many times. I have no idea- ok well I do have a idea-why they are still together. Then there's my aunt's relationships and then my grandmother's third marriage which has turned her into a martyr. I've seen my fair share of relationships dynamics in just seventeen years. I've seen all the negatives but it's not that I think I could avoid them or even purposely live to avoid them or experiences that could potentially turn downhill. Still, I think I am optimistic enough, a Cancer at heart, to believe in the possibility of a healthy, loving, long term romantic relationship. I think everyone is so disillusioned by "love." Rather, people are so overwhelmed by the idea of being in love. What the hell is this whole love thing anyway? Either way relationships in general are about really trying to understand one another and wholly caring about the other person. This paragraph is getting way to long but- for all I say about not wanting to get married and have children, I guess my maternal instinct kicks in from time to time. I don't think there is anything more beautiful then a pure parent-child relationship. I've always said that I wanted to be anything but conventional and lately that I didn't want to "waste" my life just being a wife and mother. All in all I really do question my would-be ablility to be a "good" (lack of a better word) wife and mother. It scares me so much. It may be selfishness but how could I ever be responsible for another life?! I mean me taking care of myself is one thing but someone else, a child, is another question. In that discussion with my aunt- she said something along the lines of her, at this point, not being able to see me as a wife or mother. She asked if I really could love someone, could I love them with my hands- meaning with everything I am- every ounce of my soul. I think being a mother would change me so much. In another sense I just don't know how I would go about trying to instill in my child everything that is important and worthwhile in life. Would I make the same mistakes as those before me? Would my child resent me? Would I turn out like my own mother?! Oh jesus, craziness. I don't know- I think I would be a "good" wife and mother though... Maybe... Maybe one of these days... Guys are assholes, hahah. Oh man, how the heck did the entry get here? I guess I'll go upstairs now that I'm not tired anymore. Good night...

Personality tests, ha

07.09.04 (7:08 pm)   [edit]
I would write another entry but I think I'll go read... No movie night tonight. I gotta go running tomorrow...



The other two quizzes said that I was a [i]Type 5 [/i]and an [u]INFJ[/u].

(The times posted for these entries are not correct)

Lots of rain and bringing the blog back...

07.08.04 (4:04 pm)   [edit]

(Entry continued...) Everything is crazy. I don't have answers and I never will. Sometimes but less nowadays my mind wanders to why people question existance in hopes of obtaining a definitive "answer." I just surrender- I have no idea what the meaning of life is in the midst of all the absurdity of life. Love? Maybe.

At 17, the whole world, however tiny, is open to me. I wouldn't dare just sit back and have it all pass by. Everything draws me back to having a more mindful perspective and being better in some way always. We don't need hope or salvation from anything. We need to look within ourselves and really consider those scary things that we're often too afraid to confront. Lately I've just been thinking that we're all in our own hell in our existance. Does questioning all this keep me, personally, trapped in a state of hell? Perhaps the human condition forever keeps us in a state of "hell." The only alternative I see is to change perspectice and always be aware of self creates "problems." It is some what strange that amongst all these and so many more thoughts, with all the questions and not wanting to question I am happy. I've said that happiness is only relevant but I am happy. I'm happy to just be me- however foolhearty and flawed. A big blank is whether trying to change perspective will ever really become a reality. I don't feel as though I could go through life not trying to be mindful, to be better. I have changed. Despite everything I just cannot give up. I can't give up on myself, others, trying to face the challenges of what we call life. I think at the end of my life, at least this life, I'll still say that I only know that I don't know. But why should I let reality- self made reality- keep me in fear, keep me isolated, keep me cold? I do live inside my own head too much but I could never separate that from genuinely caring about other people. "No man is an island," but I'd sure as hell like to believe so.

Lately, I've just stopped myself and asked- does this really matter? If it doesn't then why should we waste anything on it? Right now for me it really just comes down to balancing everything- wanting security, plans, worrying, etc., and then wanting adventure, unpredictability, risk- moreover about accepting that there will always be one with the other and however absurd in that sense everything balances into one. Nothing has to be confusing- everything makes sense. I just want to be myself and live simply. Life will take me probably a lot of strange and surprising places but I always want to be able to truly look myself in the mirror and see that I've been genuine. Nothing false will ever last. I won't do a rehash of one of the most recent entries but my aunt said (a lot more background needed) that one day I'll look back and see that- not necessarily that I was wrong but maybe she meant that things aren't so conditioned. I know she was true in saying that I lack experience, she meant relationship experience in general, but I'm not unwilling to be open to experiences. Sometimes I wonder if I'll marry and have children. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I wonder about where life will take me or maybe I'll take it instead. Whether I will always be so emotional and yet logical. Always insane! Whether those things that have always been important to me will still be important later on. I will be 17 in a few hours and I have no idea what I want to do or how to make any of those "other" ideas a reality. I'm hoping the Korea thing pans out and that I will go to college the fall of 2006. I'm hoping I'll be responsible, keep my head on (somewhat) straight. I worry about my dad being happy and about my mom. She frustrates me but I love her dearly. I worry how I'll find money for college and if I'll end up screwing that up too. I worry that I'll soon be a poor paycheck-to-paycheck twentysomething with no savings.

Despite all that it doesn't matter what becomes. It doesn't matter because I'm still happy. I'm still standing and if I can truly be all I say and speak of who I am then I'll always be standing. Life keeps happening- with all those crazy emotions etc. tossed in. I don't see much sense in trying to somehow escape it or certain things that go along with it.

My inner rebel says that I don't want a conventional life. That I don't want to marry or have kids. That I want to be independent, completely self-reliant while still caring for others. I am so selfish and critical- that may be the hardest thing to right. There is just this undeniable feeling that we are all meant for something greater than just procreating our species. I suppose maybe we'll -I'll- remain blinded and unable to see that "something more" but I can't help overlooking the constant need to help, love, care for, nuture each other, one another.

We all must look back to our humanity. How can we ever make positive change if we don't look within and live authenticly? Perhaps I have been the fakest of all... Maybe I am too blind to see otherwise. I don't want to be blinded by always finding or searching for fault. {Or by exaggerating or dwelling on "the ills of life" etc.} I want to find the pure beauty and life in everyone and everything. I want to be thankful for everything I am so blessed with and for everything I do not, rather have not, been challenged with. I have no idea why some people face such tragedy while others do not. Should I not try to challenge those issues in the belief that they always must exist? No, I think we should always strife to be better, create more positive energy.

God, how I need to lighten up. I am only 17, eh! I love people who just make me laugh or who just make me smile in their presence. Those who just make me forget about things that don't matter and just force me to live. I guess I'm not an island after all. I hope that I can do that for others. I hope that someone has seen my soul- maybe I've been true enough to bare it rather. I hope that simply one person has been positively impacted by my actions, words, etc. On a similar level I just hope I've been the source of some happiness for someone or something along the way. That could be considered selfish too, but my intent is genuine.

Ahh, 16 fragile years so far. 16 small years. 16 and I already have some regrets, hmm. I think I've been blessed to have been forgiven for most if not all over looked. Now that it's 1:00 a.m. I figure I should brush my teeth and go to sleep. 17 tomorrow and me just being me...

The blog is back...

07.07.04 (6:58 pm)   [edit]
(Written in my journal last night for the blog at 11:16)

Ahh...here I am. Sitting on my bed eating a NutraGrain bar and drinking lemon-lime Gatorade. As usual I'll just start writing.

I think toomuch and I could go in depth about how I think I "think" but how I don't "think." I guess it is neat that when I'm writing I don't really have to think- everything just flows. This might apply for other things for other people, but personally, writing forces me to come back to some sort of center, some attempt at a balance. Running also forces me to confront myself, every bit of who I think I am, every bit of what I am not. With running you get a certain sense of sanctuary- the kind you don't find in most places- the kind you don't necessarily go looking for. When I run nothing else matters. Nothing matters. It's hard to put in writing. I guess it forces you to confront who you think you are. Things are drifting to other subjects...

Well, I worked until close again tonight (coffee shop) and I do again tomorrow night. I'm going to mention that I will be 17 tomorrow. But it'll most likely be me waking up and thinking, ok- I'm 17- whatever, now what? My mind is jumping all over the place. (I apologize for the lack of unity in this entry).

Hmm... sigh "refletcing on my 16th year"- ha. The big conclusion is that 16 pretty much flew by and I don't care whether or not I can say that I changed for the better of made "progress." After awhile it just becomes a fact that things just don't matter in the same way they might have at another point. I went through this "phase" where I thought I was totally being myself and ok in my own skin. I think this past year I've been a lot more honest with others and with myself. It's just whatever- just go with it. I did my own thing but not at the expense of trying to close myself from other people. All in all 16 has been the best yet.

This school year is going to fly by. I was in the car with my dad the other day and we were talking about his job etc., etc., etc. and then I said how it was probably bad perspective but that a part of me just wants this year to be over. Go onto the "next part of my life."

I sent in my application for the IIIHR program in Korea. (For Korean adoptees- teaching English during the week, weekends free, taking Korean culture classes. Three month program which I would do the fall (of 2005)- after I graduate). I'm hoping to hear back soon, however it seems that my only contact with the program is via e-mail. I also finally went about shecking into voulunteering. I sent in my application to volunteer at the Animal Refuge League. I have to see when my English class at USM starts and when I can drop Latin. I don't know if I want to though. I'm figuring with my other classes- full load- working and then volunteering I can afford to drop Latin I my senior year.

So...I'm about to turn 17 and I've never drank, gotten high, had my first kiss- so ashamed about the last one. At this point I figure I'll end up living off cereal and Gatorade and at this point dying a virgin.
I recently deleted my past blog entries maybe because of how contridicting they were, maybe bceasue they were too personal. Either way I always have to write. I guess I get to reintroduce myself with the blog again now that I'm -64 tbucks.

With the impending senior year I couldn't be more scared out of my ming or excited. Scared to finally do my own thing on the other side of the world and excited to finally leave my parents- my mom mostly. See where this whole free spirit thing takes me. Pick up where my dad left off. I don't know if he's still typing his journal from when he went to India for three months in the 70s. Before my mom or right around the time they were newlyweds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~

Going to watch [i]Adaptation[/i] now- I'll finish this entry soon...

-70

07.05.04 (9:12 am)   [edit]
I have -70 tbucks now that I've deleted the blog. I'll probably bring it back in a little while. Until then....