Attack the monster myself... and the quote for the day
09.21.04 (10:53 am) [edit]Quote I liked: "Because I chose/choose to focus on school instead of getting entangled in testosterone that is non-productive to my future." ~ Dangy_Tarrgart
I've been wanting to make another entry for awhile now. Soon
Acorns and second thoughts, oh and Marilyn Manson too
09.11.04 (12:55 pm) [edit]Worked at 9:00 this morning and I got home before 4:00. Got to leave early because we had forgotten about the twenty hour per week rule while school is in session. I should be doing homework so I don't have to do it tomorrow but here I am on the blog.
I had forgotten to pick up the acorns in the front yard so I picked them up yesterday afternoon before my dad got home. About half way thru I thought about a book by Thich Nhat Hahn and I thought and asked if I was/am ever really content. Really ever content in the moment. I thought- shouldn't I just be content picking up these acorns instead of my mind drifting- more like zooming all over the place- to "some list" of things I needed to do etc. Deep down about wanting security, plans, worrying etc.
Lately my mind has been so far from being mindful and no, I really have not been content. All that I read, experience, take in etc. sounds so "good" but it is another things to apply it. Another thing entirely. I do have to say that I haven't doggedly "searched" for conclusions/answers like I used to. That is a big, huge, ok big, step- for me.
Just last night I was having trouble falling asleep. Thinking about getting older, worrying, my family, whether I'm doing the right thing, about being on my own, school- how the work load is going to start piling up this week, seriously doubting that I will ever be able to make postive change, among others. It was me putting things in "little boxes"- superficial things. Then, I thought, stop, none of this matters at all- in the slightest. My emotions really get in the way of things.
My emotions, thoughts etc. and then spirituality. I don't think I am looking for that anymore, no more constant search for it. On a level it seems that all should just go with their own convictions, beliefs. It's like, ok, so maybe all of it is just an illusion. More then anything I've been pretty unsettled most of these years. So you can believe what you believe and live out your life but then, hm, it's so difficult to put into words.
So they all tell me that life is hard. Ha, so it is, so it is. All these things float around inside of me and it's difficult to sort them out sometimes.
Still, it's about "those acorns and no second thoughts."
Ok, onto another subject...
I was flipping through the tv before I went to bed last night. I flipped to FUSE and Marilyn Manson was bein g interviewed on the Daily Download show. I thought about the piece on beliefnet.com that I had read awhile back. Thought that he made a lot of interesting and very valid points. Even if you do or don't have an opinion on him please do check out the article from beliefnet.com and the piece he wrote for Rolling Stone magazine. Here are the links...
http://www.beliefnet.com/frameset_offsite.asp?pageLoc=http" title="http://www.beliefnet.com/frameset_offsite.asp?pageLoc=http" target="_blank"http://www.beliefnet.com/fram...%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Erollingsto ne%2Ecom%2Fnews%2Fnewsart icle%2Easp%3Fnid%3D8050%2 6cf%3D54&query=sectio nID%3D0%26storyID%3D7870% 26boardID%3D17182%26pageL oc%3D%2Fstory%2F78%2Fstor y%5F7870%5F1%2Ehtml&s cript=/frameset.asp
(I'll check and make sure that they work)
----
You know, in general, things are quite up in the air these days. Hmm, with my dad's job- the move, this year etc., the state of the nation, the world, hm. I have to mention the 911 anniversary and all today. Plus, my neighbor joi ning the army- they come for him on Monday.
Everyone goes through the same things... I'll end here for now.
Homework- major homework...
& nbsp; &n bsp;
Another friday
09.10.04 (10:01 am) [edit]Just a quick entry before I go do some work for my online class and then head off to work.
Speaking of work- I may look for work elsewhere before the holiday season. I don't think I want to be stuck working the extended hour closing shift then. I saw an ad at school for the local paper so maybe I'll check that out. I close tonight and then I'm back all day at 9 tomorrow. Then probably movie night at Julie's.
Got my schedule sorted out and now I have to get the paper in asap for senior priviledges to leave during study halls. I had AP Euro. yesterday and today. Mr. Patrick is in his thirties and it seems like there is going to be more student led work instead of just lectures. He said that the exam is one of the more difficult ones and I don't think it will as "easy" to get such a high A this year in history. At any rate the class seems like it will be interesting. The AP exam can wait. School's getting into full swing, back to "the norm."
In continuation from the past few entires about questioning the whole Korea thing... Lately it's hit me that after all that I'll probably move out of my parent's place. I don't know- I still feel like such a kid, hm. It seems like, wait, all of that still has to be further down the road. All of that does scare me a bit. Ok quite a bit. A poor twentysomething with no saving, great. They never really teach you about dealing with "the real world" in school. How to manage your money properly, real estate lingo etc., none of that. For the time being I'll keep trying to convince myself that that is still aways off.
My dad gets back from his interviews in Philadelphia in a few hours. No offers as of yet.
I suppose that's all the random comments for now. Add more later... Online class now.
Hitchiker
09.08.04 (12:33 pm) [edit]
I was just out to buy some oil pastels and I saw a hitchiker on the side of the road- thumb out and all. I thought that was a little odd- at least for southeastern Maine.
In continuation from last nights entry...
So yes, I permantely love one of my closest friends. I am permantely in love with him. Ugh. Not just teenage hormones... I guess I'm having letting go issues right now. It's not even about being attached. Oy, my emotions. My logical side says that it really is better this way and it probably really is. Bad timing, really bad timing. Love must be a disease. That or he's my favorite drug and I went from near OD to withdraw. Oh man, I guess friendship is better territory though. Plus, he's too sexy for me anyway, hmmm... I'd better keep practicing what I wrote quite a many blog entries back about all that love stuff. In reality things are still the same and they make sense.
I think a lot of the time people attach love to titles. I've always been a little weirded out about the whole dating thing. I thought, hm ok just because this "magical love line" is crossed and he's suddenly your boyfriend or she's now your girlfriend you have expectations. Like you've stepped over this line and now a, b, c, d etc. is going to/ is supposed to happen, ya-da-ya-da... That isn't the way at all though- in the slightest.
To finally conclude on this- things never really changed and I love him with everything, my old friend... & nbsp;
I survived the 6 am wake-up this morning. They still haven't dropped me from SUPA English at the school so I had to go to that first period. Second period economics but I'll probably drop that. Prob & Stat fourth period with the same teacher I had for second semester pre-calc last year. They didn't have the computers up for the online classes- my fifth period- so AP enviro. sci will have to wait. It sucks that I'll be behind a few sessions with that. Hm, maybe I'll drop that too and just take a science class this summer at USM. I had study hall sixth period and then that was it. I pretty much got my math homework done in 5th/6th period studies. I have Latin and AP European tomorrow but Latin is out. I don't have psychology and sociology until second semester for the time being. I went by the A corridor after school to see if I could catch my history teacher from last year. I turned the corner and there he was. He's the first teacher to have believed in me and that was such a good feeling.
I gotta go get dinnah ready before my mom gets home. Here is a quick something that I liked from the daily Buddist wisdom.
No Joy Like Freedom
There is no fire like greed, No crime like hatred, No sorrow like separation, No sickness like hunger of heart, And no joy like the joy of freedom. Health, contentment and trust Are your greatest possessions, And freedom your greatest joy. Look within. Be still. Free from fear and attachment, Know the sweet joy of living in the way.
-from the Dhammapada
That's all for now.
& nbsp;
...we live in a beautiful world, yeah we do, yeah we do...
09.07.04 (1:25 pm) [edit]Ah geeze. I've been wanting to make another entry for awhile and oddly enough I'm typing one in the afternoon.
I'm still working but I had tomorrow off plus tonight and wednesday night. I ran around (not literally) to a few places- drove into Portland to go to Wild Oats today. I don't go on AIM much these days but I was on a little while ago talking to some old friends. One in Iowa, one in Pennsylvania and two in Maryland- while I'm in Maine. I still have to go get stuff together for school tomorrow. I'm still in denial about the whole thing. I went into school today to try to see the guidance counselor and get a parking permit. Ugh, they treat you like you're a criminal. I definitely have issues with the school administration. My friend in Iowa has already bee n in school for three weeks so I should count my lucky stars. This summer has been good though. It's been nice to be completely removed from the whole high school environment. I'm not looking forward to going back to most of the people though. Whatever- last year. I am going to drop Latin I and economics though.
New news, hmm. I heard back from Hee Jung, coordinator for the IIIHR program in Korea, yesterday. I got accepted into the program for the fall '05. That is all a go then and yes I am finally learning at least basic Korean. Hmm, but somewhere inside me I am also- I won't say scared some much- but a bit reluctant about the whole Korea thing in a way. I am still definitely going to do it but deep down maybe I'm still questioning if I should go instead of working or college etc. Who knows and with a lot of things being up in the air too. Time will tell etc. Still a year away, oy vey. My grandmother likes to say, "it'll all work out."
Also heard from Hellen the other night and that made me happy. Talking to old friends always makes me happy. She was in Korea for a month this summer and now she's back. Her mom is Korean. She used to pull her hair back in a ponytail and slick it back with tons of gel. Evidently she cut her hair really, really, really short in Korea. It was too late for them to stop cutting anymore I guess. She said it is as short as Wynona Ry(i?)der's and she bleached it so it is orange now. Quite the change for her. Last bit of news- we've had four showings in total now and my dad leaves for a whirlwind of interviews in the mid-atlantic tomorrow. We'll see what happens with all of that. Man school tomorrow- killin me... Ha- my dad says, "you'll look back and think, man, those were the days when I had it easy." Yes, probably true, haha.
I don't know. There were several things I wanted to type about but this entry really doesn't have much structure- most of them end up not having much.
Hmm, I was waiting in the car for my mom to come out of the grocery store the other day. She took a little while so I got to thinking (who woulda thought that, ha). I thought- you know what, it is such a cool thing, a blessing etc. (need better word(s) that I know that my family will always be there for me- and vice versa. As much as I've said that I don't want to be dependent on anything, much less anyone, family is really important to me.
I snuck into my dad's office here at home to copy down what I wrote to him in his Father's Day card from june: I think you've always know but I figure I should tell you now anyway. You have always been my inspiration and you've taught me to see the good in every situation, everything and everyone. Thanks for reminding me not to be serious all the time and for making me laugh. Thanks for showing me what it means to be a true human being and for helping me become who I am today. I am proud to be your daughter, thanks for letting me be myself. I love you and I will always be proud of you.
I wrote a note to my aunt after I got home a little while ago. After looking through all her photo albums I realized how much she's always made an effort to be in my life. I wrote to her to thank her for all the summers and to finally thank her for being in my life. Here is what she wrote back in the "a little hello" card: Hey you! It was so nice to get your note! You touched my heart! I know we were meant to be in each others life (lives?). You are a joy to me as you are in your parents life- as you have seen. You could move to East CaBip (my comment: no idea about the whole CaBip thing, either I can't read her handwriting there or maybe it's just sarcasm) and I'd find you- tee hee! Even old Jack K want to ride with us to NY to be with you. And your summer visits... the pleasure was all mine!!! See ya next summer too! Love love love you Aunt BJ- hugs and kisses (abrazos y besas). She included some pictures from when I was down there in PA a few weeks back. She wrote that I was lil "Tina" Lopez: Jack sometimes calls me Tina and we went to a Mexican restaurant for her birthday dinner and I had on a very embellished red sombrero hench then "Tina Lopez" thing, ha. She also wrote that my cousin's first daughter, Caitlyn, said that I looked like a ballerina in the pink- I "modeled" my pink tank top and black flowered skirt for my aunt- what I wore to the cocktail party for my other cousin's wedding. What I was wearing when that guy was about to pinch my butt- I think I wrote about that in a past entry, eh? See that's what happens on the rare occasion when I wear girly clothes. My dad said that he saw a guy about to pinch my butt- I think it was sarcasm there too, haha. -I should get a scanner or upload the sombrero picture, it's a riot.
Other random comments: I bought a set of pastels, drawing pencils and a pastel drawing pad and so I'm going to try my hand at drawing cool album covers. A random idea I had recently. Ha, I talked to a friend from Maryland who is a junior this year. It is harder to believe that then it is for me to believe that I'm a senya. SHS has this tradition of having senior shirts with (blank) Seniors and this year is Severly Seniors. I'm Severly Sensei Sheena but at the time I got the shirt done I had it spelled Sensai- oops, I'm in the 12th grade and I still can't spell. The year my brother was a senior it was Legally Seniors and then last year supposedly the 2004 kids stole what we were going to have- Strictly Seniors. All the names we could have had were pretty bad though. Back to the point I was trying to make- talking to my old friends recently and it's crazy, their all doing their college apps and taking SAT IIs. The two that I talked to on AIM today are both& nbsp;geniuses. The one is going into chemical engineeing and applying to Duke, Carnegie Mellon etc. and the other is a piano virtuoso and she said she is going to apply to Stanford and Harvard, though she says they are both a big reach. Althought she is serious about Northwestern, Cornell and UMichigan. She said that she's average though and I was like- what?! Take that back right now. They both got close to 1500 on the SAT, oy. --I just got back from taking my dad to pick up his rental car and we were talking about school.-- My mom said that I should take a lighter course load this year but I was just telling my dad how I kind of feel like I have too mesh with the "smart kids." I think that mentality is more prevalent up here vs. FHS.
I guess I'll end the entry here for now. We're expecting my mom to get home from work soon. I might go do some "pasteling" or read or get ready for school tomorrow...
~~~~ In addition...
--Another note before I get ready for bed--
It's a little weird when I think about it all- I've found happiness in all the strangest places etc. I don't know... Ugh, I can't knock this- it'll take a while to get over it- eh I'll never fully "get over it." I'm permantely- finish this tomorrow...! & nbsp;