life (for now) on the midshore

Love life & Ashley

While not the most "eventful" week that I can recall it was quite the week. A lot of humanity and just a weird week in general. Where do I start? This will probably be a jumble of disconnected thoughts...

I was going to wait to make a new entry until I found out about my dad's job. However, they have not called him yet so here I am making the entry. Yes, so we are still anticipated finding out if we're moving back to Maryland. We've had quite a few showings lately but still no takers. I was glad the other night when my dad told my mom that he wanted to build a house when we move. He usually doesn't speak his mind in order to "keep the peace" or the famous "to stay out of the dog house."

School is school. First quarter ended today and yesterday we got the order form for all the "senior stuff." I got an A- on my second English paper, which was definitely a surpise. That's pretty much my only really worthwhile class and that's all because it's at USM and not at SHS. Well, I should be doing work right now- including the first draft of the third paper that's due monday. I still have to do my psych. project before we go south for Thanksgiving- that continues to be a pain. Ah, and a history test on wednesday- not fun.

Onto the weird occurances this week:

Perhaps it is my "so-called moodiness" - PMS? I was driving home for lunch on day and I saw this guy walking up Scottow Hill Rd. will a huge, long pack on his back with a sign that said LOVE LIFE in big, red letters. Hitchiker? There was actually a guy running in front of him coming up the hill. Then yesterday I was walking out to history a few mins. before the bell and a bus had dropped off a few mentally "handicapped" students. This lady was at the door telling this girl Ashley to come along. I walked out the door by the main lobby and I walked along the edge of the walkway. As Ashley and I passed she stopped and looked at me. The woman who was at the door told her to be gentle. She just looked up at me and I just though, she's innocent, she wouldn't hurt anything. I thought she might reach out and touch me but she didn't.

This week has just been pretty full of occurances of humanity like those. I guess reminding me to be mindful. I did yardwork the other day and actually did not mind it. I cleaned the leaves out of the pool and then raked the yard. Does getting rid of physical clutter help you on the inside? It does for me, but then again I have been called a bit obessesive-complusive, ha.

There were so many things that I wanted to write about- they all seem to be leaving me now. This happen etc. and then I make a mental note- put this in an entry.

The manager guilt-tripped me at work on wednesday. She wanted me to work tonight to close again because "omg it was just going to be her and Ed (on a friday night)." The other manager that had been there twelve years said that she would never guilt trip the guys my age that work there. The girl that was supposed to close couldn't so of course I'm the only one that might be available. I told them no but I may end up going in. I don't want any grief from them tomorrow- I work 9-4- or I was planning on going on and looking for a new job this afternoon. Don't want to.

Ah, Korea. It still hasn't really hit me. I am going to start trying to learn Korean by December- that is final. I haven't really been in contact with Hee Jung in a few weeks but I do like keeping up with this semesters students via the IIIHR website. I am excited about teaching English though. I do not know how I will do with the social factor with the other adoptees and all, hm. -After my mom gets off from work today we're going up to the bank to set up a checking account for me. She wants me start establishing some sort of credit before Korea. Another thing that makes it even more real.- So yes, I am definitely looking forward to teaching English the most. I may have seven classes at max- we'll head off to the bars, haha. My friend Hellen (love you Hellen!) said that you can get beer for really cheap over there. She said how she and her cousin got so drunk a few times while she was there over the summer. I was like- Hellen! She thought it was funny.

My mom. She has been quite frustrated with her job (among other things) lately. I do not know if she's going to send her resume to the place where she had talked about working. She's volunteering at the soup kitchen tomorrow during lunch. She doesn't feel appreciated. I know I could do more to improve all of that. I don't know- it is just difficult to try to be close when we're not really. We are just very different. - Back to my dad- I hope that he finds out about what firm in Maryland decided soon. He said he has the first floor plan pretty much done. He's been frustrated too lately, but the past week he hasn't been down so much. -Back to my mom- My grandmother had a bad fall a few weeks ago and somehow her front teeth got knocked out and she broke her wrist. She's been staying at my aunt's in VA but now she's back at her house in MD. There is talk that she may move to Florida, one of my uncle's is moving there and my other grandmother has a place down there so it would probably be good for her. My mom family has never been very close but my mom and my grandmother can be quite emotional. Over the past couple years my mom has become a lot closer to some of her siblings and when they talk to each other over the phone, especially about their mom, there is definitely quite strength in my mom. "Tiene corozon grande." She does.

I've been meaning to write about it for a long time but just never have. Quite a few years back my uncle, my mom's second youngest brother, had a lot of problems, with work, housing and whatever he was on at the time. Drugs definitely played a part in the whole situation. The details are starting to get a bit fuzzy for me, but it eventually became a huge situation. He is married and has to kids. I remember all relatives on my mom's side came to our house on day to discuss with they were going to do with him. They had offered him help over and over but he was pretty far gone. I do think he was at a half-way house more then once and I remember he slept on the street one night. Needless to say my grandmother has always taken him in, he's taken advantage quite a bit. I can't really remember the details now but I think my cousin did stay with us for a bit. My mom had said something about that. The point is that that situation took a lot of of my mom's side of the family. It has melted over and plus everyone is getting older, making moves every which way. His whole family actually came to my brother and one of my cousin's graduation party at my grandmother's house. For the longest time he wasn't allowed to come to family get togethers because that's when he'd cause trouble- twice at Thanksgivings and then once at Christmas. That was a big deal. I know it was very hard on my mom and I know she had quite strength then too...

In my English class on monday it was reaffirmed to me how important writing is to me. It will always be a big part of my life in some way. There is a lot of "nakedness" to writing- you just put yourself out there. It is a challenge. The first thing I wanted to be was an author. Lately, I've been thinking that I'd become a neurologist to help end MS. That is something that will always be close to my heart.

I will end here for now.     & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;

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Oh I found "Sheena Is A Punk Rocker" at sessions@aol- here is the link: http://music.channel.aol.com/archive/main.adp" title="http://music.channel.aol.com/archive/main.adp" target="_blank"http://music.channel.aol.com/... Click under the Ramones, eh, you guys know the deal.

In respone to altricial's comment: nope not sigma alpha epsilon- just my initials.     & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;

Another sunday night...

Yet again I'm just taking up space on the web. I've managed to escape English hell for the rest of the night, haha. Went to the staff meeting for the coffee shop. I do not know if I'll stay over the crazy holiday season. I don't really want to leave but my mom is giving me those vibes to look somewhere else. I might because right now I don't make much of anything but I like the people and of course the familiarity.

School is still school. Helen and Steph come over last night for some editing for the bitch of an English paper. That is due tomorrow night, we're getting the DBQ for history tomorrow due friday, oceanography and psych test on wednesday and possibly a prob. stat. test that day too. Fun. We're going away over Thanksgiving break but I know there are three major things due right when I get back. Ugh, I could be getting a stomach ulcer, ha. Nawh, no stress. It's not going to help my health and plus it's just me thinking it is a lot. Speaking of my health- man have I been so lax on the whole running thing! I must have packed on about two inches around my mid-section, no lie. They could substitute my belly now for the Pilsbury Doughboy's. I'd better get on of those ab machines and go at it. My pants don't seem very happy with me lately.

Ah, I must go out and get a serious Korean language kit. I have to start making more in-depth plans for that. My dad goes down to interview with the firm in Annapolis on wednesday. Fingers crossed. I really do hope this one works out. Still no offers for the house. With the thought that it will "more than likely" work out I started looking at colleges in Maryland. I like Salisbury- where my brother is at- but I doubt I'd end up going there. I am pretty serious as of right now about UMBC. If moving back to Maryland works out then perhaps I will go there. Tuition is about $8,000 there, which is great. I got the Sarah Lawrence course catalog in the mail the other day. It is fabulous- so many interesting classes. Still, there is such a long shot- compare $30,000+ to roughly $8,000, you get the point.

Despite my really weird spurts of moody contemplation these past two or so weeks things are good. Heard from old friends recently and I'm still going to try to get back to Frederick at the end of May for the Prom (ugh). Sam said she talked to Patrick about it but she didn't tell me the details. His brother is a freshmen this year and I remeber that his brother Kevin was so cute. Pat- the guy I should have dated freshmen year, hmm. Oh, those were the days, no doubt. Those were the days, I get chills thinking about it. How things have changed. I guess for the "better" though. Who knows. I'm just very excited about seeing ev eryone again before graduation. Everyone minus Bai Di.  

I got to sleep in this morning but I think that made me even more tired. 6:00 wake up call tomorrow. I guess I'm going to go to bed since this entry isn't going much of anywhere right now...  

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10.18.04

Just a few other random thoughts-

I realize that everyone still needs their time to grow up. To do the whole growing up thing...

I had a talk with my dad tonight before I left for USM class. Talking about people growing up, getting older. How life is always changing. He goes to MD on wednesday- maybe then if that works out then we can have some sort of solid "plan." I told him how I felt that I was just going to be flung out into the world. Just about how I think I will always keep in mind the need to be responsible for what I chose to do. You really have to rely on yourself and cover your own shit. All a process... I think I'll go to bed. Another entry soon.  

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(no title for once)

I've been wanting to post these quotes for a long while now:

"Nothing can bring you peace but yourself." ~Emerson

"Intention is t he core of all conscious life. It is our intentions that create Karma, our intentions that help others, our intentions that lead us away from the delusions of individuality toward the immutable verities of enlightened awareness. Conscious intention colors and moves everything." ~Master Hsing Yun, "Describing the Indescribable"

"Live simply so that others may simply live." ~Unknown

"Blaming 'society' makes it awfully easy for a person of weak character to shrug off his own responsibility for his actions." ~Stanley Schmidt

"It is the action, not the fruit of the action, that's important. You have to do the right things. It may not be in your power, may not be in your time; that there'll be any fruit. But that doesn't mean you stop doing the right thing. You may never know what results come from your actions. But if you do nothing, there will be no result." ~Gandhi  

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." ~Gandhi

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world." ~The Buddha

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success." ~Emerson

(The following are from At The Foot of The Master- a thin, little book in my dad's collection) 

"You must discriminate between the important and the unimportant. Firm as a rock where right and wrong are concerned, yield always to others in things which do not matter. For you must be always gentle and kindlu, reasonable and accomodating, leaving to others the same full liberty which you need for yourself."

"You must distinguish between truth and falsehood; you must learn to be true all through, in thought and word and deed. In thought first; and that is not easy, for there are in the world many untrue thoughts, many foolish supersitions, and no one who is enslaved by them can make progress. Therefore you must not hold a thought just because many other people hold it, nore because it has been believed for centuries, nor because it is written in some book which men think sacred; you must think of the matter for yourself, and judge for yourself whether it is resonable... He who would walk upon the Path must learn to think for himself, for superstition is one of the greatest evils in the world, one of the fetters from which you must utterly free yourself."

"Be true in action; never pretend to be other than you are, for all pretnce is a hindrance to the pure light of truth, which should shin through you as sunlight shines through clear glass."

"...you must dig deep down into yourself to find the God within you, and listen to His voice, which is your voice. Do not mistake your bodies for yourself- neither the physical body, nor the astral, nor the self, in order to gain what it wants. But you must know them all, and know yourself..."

"Your mental body wishes to think itself proudly separate, to think much of itself and little of others. Even when you have turned it away from wordly things, it still tries to calculate for self, to make you think of your own progress, instead of thinking of the Master's work and of helping others."

"...study first that which will most help you to help others."

"Your thought about others must be true; you must not think of them what you do not know. Do not suppose that they are always thinking of you. If a man does something which you think will harm you, or says something whuch you think applies to yo, do not think at once: "He meant to injure me." Most probably he never thought of you at all, for each soul has its own troubles and its thoughts chiefly around itself. If a man speak angrily to you, do not think: "He hates me, he wishes to wound me." Probably someone or something else has made him angry and because he happens to meet you he turns his anger upon you. He is acting foolishly, for all anger is foolish, but you must not therefore think untruly of him."

"You must discriminate in yet another way. Learn to distinguish the God in everyone and eveything, no matter how evil he or it may appear on the surface."

"But there are some who forsake the pursuit of earthly aims only in order to gain heaven, or to attain personal liberation from rebirth; into this error you must not fall... Remember that all selfish desire binds, however high may be its object, and until you have got rid of it you are not wholly free."

"When all desires for self are gone, there may still be a desire to see the result of your work. If you help anybody, you want to see how much you have helped him; perhaps even you want him to see it too, and to be grateful... When your pour out your strength to help, there must be a result, whether you can see it or not... So you must do right for the sake of right, not in the hope of reward; you must work for the sake of the work, not in the hope of reward; you must work for the sake of the work; not in the hope of seeing the result."

"Another common desire which you must sternly repress if the wish to meddle in other men's business. What another man does or says or believes is no affair of yours, and you must learn to let him absolutely alone. He has full right to free thought and speec and action, so long as he does not interfere with anyone else. You yourself claim the freedom to do what you think proper; you must allow the same freedom to him, and when he exercises it you have no right to talk about him."

"Think each day of someone who you know to be in sorror, of surrering, or in need of help, and pour out loving thought upon him."

"The calm mind needs also courage, so that you may face without fear the trials and difficulties of the Path; it means also steadiness, so that you may make light of the troubles which come into everyone's life, and avoid incessant worry over the little things in which many people spend most of their time... it does not matter in the least what happens to a man from the outside; sorrow, troubles, sicknesses, losses- all must be as nothing to him."

"You must bear your Karma cheerfully... You must give up all feeling of possesion. Karma may take from you the things which you like best- even the people whom you love most. Even then you must be cheeful- ready to part with anything and everything."

"Of all the Qualifications, Love is the most important, for if it is strong enough in a man, it forces him to acquire all the rest, and al the rest without it would be insufficient. This resolve must fill your whole nature, so as to leave no room for any other feeling."

"He who is on the Path exists not for himself, but for others, he has forgotten himself, in order that he may serve them. He is a pen in the hand of God, through which His thought may flow, and find for itself an expression down here, which without a pen it could not have. Yet at the same time he is also a living plume of fire, raying out upon the world the Divine Love which fills his heart."     & nbsp;  

I'll be your Yoko Ono

I went to the public library during my second study hall today. Was going to do work for psych. and history but instead I picked up the 09.30 issue of Rolling Stone- the most important picture issue. I flipped around and saw the Paul McCartney & John Lennon picture. I turned the page and saw the Yoko Ono & John Lennon picture. Here is the link even though the picture here isn't "as good as" the one in the magazine: http://www.rollingstone.com/news/story/_/id/64780 87/yokoono?pageid=rs.NewsArchive&" title="http://www.rollingstone.com/news/story/_/id/64780 87/yokoono?pageid=rs.NewsArchive&" target="_blank"http://www.rollingstone.com/n...;pageregion=mainRegion&am p;rnd=1097697668080&h as-player=true&versio n=6.0.12.1040 Well first I was surprised to see John Lennon's naked butt but then I took a figurative step back and I thought hm wow it is a beautiful picture. Yoko's expression is a little eh, strange but maybe that is because John has his arm around her neck. Looking at the picture again Yoko seems very strong and patient- she is so cute nowadays. John seems to physically embody love and his expression is beautiful. Rest in peace John and George. I do have to say that Ringo is my favorite partly because we have the same birthday.

I should go get ready for work but a quick comment: My mind was racing last night while trying to fall asleep but then I kept thinking that none of it matters and everything just calmed and I was able to fall asleep. Then today we were watching Sister Wendy in history today and she commented on Claude (I think so). How his paintings show that earthly matters have no importance because of the purity, calm and serenity that is all around us. How we want security but it is always around us. Me and my acorns again... Alright gotta get ready for the coffee shop.     

More musings... and music

Just feel like making another entry and taking up space on the web. I've been in a weird mood today. I physically had to shake my head and then thought that I needed to snap out of it. p(ost)ms? maybe, haha. Last night I was finishing up some work and I sat there and laid my face in my hands. I thought ahh, "worrying" about things- things that really do not matter. Yet again about my dad, my parents, the "situation." Being freaked out about the fact that I'll pretty soon be (at least living) "on my own." A whole potpourri/misc. of things. My needless worrying from a need for security. Why was I born a cancer?! Haha.

Well, on another note- I got a letter from Hellen and finally got to see what she looks like with her new hair. Wow, I got teary eyed because she is so grown up. She's been through quite a bit growing up and all... -I'm still trying to plan to go to the FHS prom (me & prom=?) at the end of May to see everybody again.- I'd rather not go to the SHS prom and plus who would I go with up here?

We went to Bar Harbor over the long weekend. We left friday morning and then got back early afternoon yesterday. I'm glad we got to go because we probably wouldn't be able to get back up there before we move. Mount Desert Island was beautiful. I'm glad we went to Acadia Nat. Park- I almost got blown over on Cadillac Mountain though. ~In one of the stores along Main Street I saw this pin that said: stop using Jesus as an excuse to be a narrow-minded, bigoted asshole. (I thought about buying it but I didn't).

-- There a quite a few things I should be doing (could be doing) right now. This week's homework, English paper, banjo-ing, learning Korean...--

Before I go do those things a quick music pick:

Nick Drake. Why did it take me so long to find him? They say he has quite the cult following- he died from an overdose of antidepressants when he was 26, which could possibly have been a suicide but they don't know. The music though- His last album Pink Moon features that song as the title track and you've probably heard it on the VW commerical. I realized I had after I played the track. This was his last album (only three) and probably the "darkest." I do enjoy just him singing and the raw guitar playing on most of the album. "Parasite" is the most disturbing on the beautifully emotion album. -Working backwards- I bought his second album Bryter Layter with his debut Five Leaves Left together shortly after buying PM. Bryter Layter seemed to be a disappointment to Drake and it does have a lot of instrumentation. You probably heard "One of These Things First" at some point and it is on the Garden State soundtrack. While disappointed by that movie I heard the song and thought oh yeah I know that song but who's the man behind it? His second album is also great but it lacks the acoustic guitar that I liked so much on PM. Still, all three (four if you count the compilation album) are wonderful. Five Leaves Left may be my favorite of the three. His debut was completed when he was only 19. It is less "jazzy" than BL but also less raw acoustic guitar than PM. Drake has been critized for "lacking some sort of deeper emotion or playing" and for the "drowning out" of his guitar on his first two albums. Eh, I still really enjoy all his albums and I don't know why some think he's missing emotion. Right now my favorite Nick Drake song is "Day Is Done" from FLL. If you like a beautiful British voice and stuff from the folk genre then definitely check out Nick Drake.     & nbsp;  

Abbey Road. Who hasn't heard this? Lately this has been creeping up on me as my favorite album. Not that I think the songs are the greatest to have ever graced our ears but the album just "works." It just works so wonderfully. Plus, I've always had a soft spot for "Here Comes The Sun" and I love about 1:30 into "Something." The Beatles may be a bit overrated in the respect that they were "the first" because clearly they had many influences- including Muddy Waters- and their stuff is not completely original. However, Beatlemania was Beatlemania after all and their music is "fun" and it's still just as popular (need a better word). Abbey Road tops the White Album for me.

The Score. Ah, the Fuggees. Closing in on ten years since this album. It seems like I missed out on a lot of great stuff because I was a little too young and not interested in "building my CD collection." I like Lauryn Hill's Miseducation... too (to bad she hasn't returned for another album) but The Score is great. That says a lot because I'm not to much of an "R&B" fan.

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Alright, enough for now with this disconnected entry.     & nbsp; 

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Dancing and other abnormalities...

It has been a little while since the last real entry. I have been wanting to make another one over the past few weeks. Here I am... Where to start?

Ah, the long weekend for Columbus Day. We're going to Bar Harbor tomorrow. Worked tonight and last night and haven't looked for a new job yet. School is still school. Homecoming is on saturday, go red storm!- not. My English class seems to be the most worthwhile at this point. I have to do major revisions on the second paper but we don't meet again until the 18th. The rest are going well and for once math is not a torture. Things kind of such for my math teacher right now though. His seventeen year old daughter is four months pregant and is getting married next week. To top that off his son died from an accidental drowing when he was little and my teacher is trying to get over his divorce from last year. Ugh- and being a math teacher on top of that- all my sympathy to him. History seems to be more of a stickler- that is my lowest grade. I figure if I can keep at least an 85 in everything in order to keep extended senior priviledges then it's all good.

Graduation got pushed back from June 5th to June 12th. Graduation- oy. I think I have finally found someone up here who is on more of the same level as me. I knew Helen last year but we've gotten to know each other better and so we are going to be marching partners. We have very different ideas about our "life direction" but she is so focused and intelligent. It is nice to find a friend that is more like my old friends.

There is going to be a showing on saturday then. We haven't had many for a week or so. My dad has been interviewing lately. Philadelphia is still hanging out there as a possibility but Richmond is out. He is going down for an inteview in Annapolis in about two weeks. He's hoping that will work out. Still, no major "plans." My dad has been a little depressed lately. He's majorly burnt out and it's hard for him to have and keep aspirations. Sometimes it is hard to take it all in with him being like that but I told him not to give up. I wish he would be able to do what he is really passionate about. The divine spirit has been telling him that architecture isn't for him for along time now but it is just difficult to do more of what he wants etc. with still having to work... It will work out.

I haven't gotten too far with my Korean lately. I haven't been in contact with Hee Jung for a while either. They do have pics up from this semesters adoptees on the IIIHR website though. Korean and graduation hasn't really hit me quite yet but maybe it will later on. I'm still in the mentality that both are a ways off. Going to Korea is going to be quite an emotional experience- how could it not be.

In relation to that: we were eating dinner one night and my dad said that there was something he'd been meaning to tell me for awhile. He told me that I had a biological brother but I had known for quite a few years now- found that out in my records- I think I have stuff about that in a past entry. I really didn't think what I would have thought or how I would have taken it if I hadn't known. I'm glad that I did know.

One afternoon not to long ago I went into my mom's closet when she wasn't home to copy down my adoption records. I sent in my senior write-up recently and it was a great thing to finally be able to write the real place that I was born. Here is all I know- My birth name was Kim, Joo Hye ("pretty star"- I copied down the Korean characters to the best of my ability, my (adoptive) brother's Korean name meant "to know" "to love") and I was born at 8:10 am Korean time at Haewon Maternity Home in Masan (-City), Kyongsungnam province, South Korea. The IIIHR program is in Gimhae, S. Korea and it is actually only about twenty-five miles east of where is born- Masan- that means a lot to me to be able to say where I was born. I will definitely go and find the maternity home where I was born. I have no idea if I will be a flood of emotion then or just too overwhelmed at the reality to have a show of emotion. Either way, wow- to think that my life has been pretty disconnected from my roots etc. and then to be deep in it is crazy to think. There is a picture of me with the foster mother, which I had seen over the years growing up. The foster home that I was at was the Eastern Child Welfare Society. (Supposedly) my records show that I was born "norm(ally)" but I was a but "quick-tempered" and I had problems with my legs/standing up. I was 2.75 kg (6.05 lbs.) when I was born, which I never knew either. I should note that because of some stipulation my biological parents names were whited out on my papers but you can hold it up to the light and see the names. My biological father was 24 at the time of my birth and his name was Kim, Jeong Joon and he only had a Korean high school education. He was born in Jinju (in same province where I was born) and he was the oldest and had one brother and two sisters and he was 168 cm tall (about 5.5 feet). My biological mother's name was Kim, Deok Im, had a Korean middle school education, was a housemaid. She was born in Habchan (also same province) and was also the oldest child and had one brother and two sisters and was 162 cm tall. Her blood type was O. My biological parents met through a friend four years before my birth. They also had a boy who was three years old when I was born- hence my biological brother.

That is all I know about my adoption- I have a lot of different feelings about the whole thing but wow that is enough for me after along while of not knowing anything- not asking, not talking about it. It is such another part or me, I can't imagine. All I've ever known is my life here... My biological parents were not married and so my biological mother decided that she could not raise both my biological brother and me. Of course I am basing all this on the thought and desperate beliefthat all the information on my records is the truth. My parents seemed to not know for sure that the boy was by my biological father. Wow- lots of emotions running through me now... ugh. I do believe that he was my biological brother. I think I wrote this before but- I do think that there was a major higher level reason why Geoffrey is my brother (adoptive). The night that my dad told me what I already knew I told them that I thought "God" (the higher power) had made sure that I had a brother- made sure that I had Geoffrey- because I had a biological brother. Most of all I would like to find out about my biological brother. When I first found out a few years back I thought wow, in a way there is another me, at least another part like me. He should be about twenty now. I wonder if my biological parents are ok and if he is ok. I have no reason to think either way but deep down in my heart I sincerley believe that in some way they are ok. I want to know if I look like my biological parents and whether you could tell if my biological brother and I was siblings. When I was younger one of the things that I had a hard time with was everyone looking like their family and me not at all. Now it is more just curiosity in that respect.

My parents got teary eyed when I told them about why I thought I had Geoffrey as my brother. They are good at the whole teary eyed thing... I have always been told that my biological mother gave me up for adoption so that I could have a better life. Being adopted is something that I had a very hard time dealing with in the past and that in some ways I have things to work out. People may question why I viewed it negatively but that is hard to piece together an explanation.I finally came to realize that my life was this way because of a higher power and that was such a powerful moment in my life thus far. This whole thing has been so private for me, most people close to me don't know my "process" with this. However, pretty early on I realized that I would not have things any other way because they were meant to be this way. I have grown up quite a bit, a lot, over the past years and I definitely approach it in a very different way. Sometimes I think why couldn't my biological parents just not have had sex the time they conceived me. Adoption has helped shape a big part of who I am. Sometimes I still feel ashamed and it will always be difficult to admit that I was (am) a bastard child. That is even hard to type. It just embodies all the pain and ugliness that I felt before. Sometimes it is hard to feel like I was "saved" or that I should be forever grateful, like I would have been nothing, like my life would have been nothing had I not been adopted. However, I am blessed beyond what I or words could express. I don't really know the whole story about my parents inability to conceive. I love and owe soo so much to my parents. There has never been a moment when I did not think I was loved. In the past I felt like for whatever reason that being adopted made me not their child (techinically I'm not of course but) now there is no doubt that I am their child. That is powerful for me to finally say. Techincally no one in my family (the four) are related. My parents through marriage and then my brother and I being adopted. Regardless we are a family and we were meant to be. I remember saying that my dad knew that he and I were supposed to be in each others' lifes and my aunt recently said the same. That is the truth- maybe, yes, one of the few truths I know for certain.

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If the entry isn't long enough already...

I was thinking of things that I want to do more readily. On the top of the list is to learn how to dance- like teenagers are supposed to- ha. That couldn't be any more of the antithesis of me and my "comfort zone." Dancing is not me at all. I like being mellow, mostly quite in my own way, easy-going. Dancing is about being totally uninhibited and just not like me much. Also, cooking! Ha, that'll be the day. It is definitely sexy when a guy knows how to cook. I've always shyed away from the kitchen but I figure I'd better learn how to cook now that I am the "ripe-old age of seventeen." In quite a way I am so unsexy. I need to embrace my sexiness- haha! Seriously though that is so unlike me.

I just want to live a good and honorable life. To help others and be good to others- genuinely. To always live with respect- I realize that respect is so important to me. To be loyal. To be the "vitality of life." To love. To love most of all...

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Longggg entry.

    & nbsp;