life (for now) on the midshore

ugh...

I got back from the dentist a little while ago. Shamefully, I had to get my first filling. 17 years without a cavity, oy.

We left on wednesday morning for Maryland. We got down to Salisbury to pick up my brother at college and then the next morning we drove to Harrisonburg, VA to my aunt's house for Thanksgiving. The majority of my mom's side were there and it was definitley a good time. It was really nice to have been back south. It was a bit weird hearing the southern-ness when people spoke, but I was just glad to be down there. We left on saturday after to take my brother back to "da Bury." We left Maryland at 6 am on sunday and it took us 14.5 hours to get home. We stopped for an hour for lunch but that's beside the point. Once we hit the Mass turnpike it was bumper to bumper for atleast two hours and then much the same for a part of 495. It rained heavily the whole way up and so we kept seeing tow trucks go up the shoulder. Back in New Jersey we saw six cars that had been involved in a domino effect accident.

Back to school yesterday. The final paper for English was pushed back a week, thankfully. I realize how important writing has always been to me and that it will always be a big part of my life. Back to work tomorrow night. Psych. presentation on thrusday but I get to leave school for the day at 10. It isn't even a big project but it seems like a weight that's been hanging around for awhile. When that is over it will be good. Ah, and the history test ends up being on monday instead of this friday, so things worked out pretty well.

I haven't talked to the Frederick people for awhile. The plan is for me to go back there for Prom. I briefly talked to Patrick but wasn't able to get much in about that. Eh, I'd rather just not go to any. In reality, sure I liked Patrick because he was a nice guy but we didn't know each other. Plus, going on nearly four years ago, hm. He is still Patrick. A bit "immature" but hey he's a teenager. So I don't know if going back to Frederick will end up working out. Sure I want to go back and see everyone but then in a way I'm done with all of that. "That part of my life" was and is over. Enough said.

There's about a month left in second quarter, first semester. I am going to take the SAT for the second time in January before it changes, but it happens to be the weekend after mid-terms.

It has been weird lately. Hormones. However, no matter how "shitty, bad, cynical, etc." I might feel at a moment I know I can't really feel that way. There is no going back and that change has been pretty significant. Giving up, quiting, bailing out aren't options. Things have been so easy.

Still doing the Korea thing and I'm going to dive into the language during winter break. My dad is still fishing around job wise, so no news there. No action with selling the house because the realtor hasn't been very proactive in addition to my mom wanting to stay until after graduation. I'm still looking at UMBC with the belief that we're probably moving back to Maryland when it's all said and done. No rush with all of that. Once January rolls around it'll probably all fly by anyway. Oh man, holy hell. To think that after Korea etc. I'm just being flung out there, atleast it feels that way. I always said that I wasn't a worrier but I am. That is simply the way it  ;goes. I guess I'm planning to work as much as possible when I get back from Korea. Work and sleep. Then college. In a way it is so great to have so many things open to you but at the same time is drives me mad. Everyone can relate to that.

I am a serious person but sometimes I think I'm too deep inside my head. Especially walking around school, but maybe that's just to distract me from the stupid people- sometimes I feel that way. Sometimes it's like I just want to get the hell outta there. My dad says that I'll look back and wish that I was still in school. I'm still floating around on a breeze... It is still important that I am really there at ever instant. I've been drifting away from that though lately. Sometimes it makes me sick to think of all the things I did not do and how much could have amounted by now. I have always been a bit of a searcher for that thing that I could call my own thing. Despite not wanting to be labeled or defined by anything.

It is just a weird time for me. I can't and I probably just don't want to imagine what it will be like after college. I see the way my dad is and I think will that be me too down the road? I do value my alone time. It is nice in a certain way to not have to appease anyone or not to feel that I have to. I can't say that I've been feeling totally alone and I've never felt "lonely." Still, everyone must walk their own path. To be human is to be alone. That is the human condition. Sure, I guess that no one is an island but everyone must find their own way. No one is going to for you. Everyone has to take care of his or her responsibilities- take care of their shit. I am greatful for the lessons so far and that I know I will not be one to waver from what beliefs I hold. Going back to a long time ago, I wished that sometimes I wouldn't think the way I do and perhaps that is sneaking in lately. I do value what I see as my sense of maturity though. I do not want to be held back from things or remain innocent or ignorant. I value knowing that I am strong and that I will not waver.     & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;   

quite the week...

Pretty much in continuation of the last entry:

I saw the picture of the LOVE LIFE guy in the local paper. He's walked thousands of miles from his home in Vero Beach, FL on cross-country trips to raise awareness about suicide. Evidently his son commited suicide. He said that he was very emotional when he was atop Mt. Katahdin in NH. He cried, screamed for his son, left a picture. He's gone through 27 pairs of shoes on this, his most recent "walk."

Last week in psych. we watched the VH1 documentary on Warren Zevon. I was never much of a fan but it was about his last months dealing with cancer. He was depressing and afterwards I was on the verge of crying. In a way he seemed a bit removed from the whole situation but who could blame someone who was going through that. Unfortunately his long-term smoking and drinking problems definitely helped do em in. The song "Keep Me In Your Heart" was so sad when he was recording it. After watching it I felt sick to my stomach. So depressing.

On another note I'm still at the coffee shop. The manager had asked me to work on friday because no one else could wen a girl called out and of course I didn't give a flat out answer. I felt guilty for whatever reason but I didn't go in. I'm still in the dog house a bit. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Just when I thought last week couldn't have gotten any "worse," or bazaar- my dad and I got in an accident on Saturday night. We were picking up his Chinese food and we were about a mile for our house. We had the right of way -green light- and we were about 3/4 across the intersection when this black car turned (their) left right in front of us. Thinking back because the whole thing happened so so quickly. In the back of my mind I was "thinking" oh my god this is not going to happen, nothing happens when my dad is around, he's going to be able to pull off some magic. Right before I closed my eyes upon first reaction he turned right to try to avoid them but they didn't break. I closed my eyes, meanwhile the car made a 90 degree turn, I smelt this horrible odor from the air bags, I felt my face burning and then it was over. My glasses had flew off and the lens flew out and the frames got bent. I actually thought oh my god is the glass from the windowshield breaking and cutting my face. I half opened my eyes and then I completely lost it. I didn't look around me and no sooner my dad was out of the car and around at my door, the passenger's side. I told him I was ok, just scared. I started crying hysterically but more because I thought about how this couldn't have happened at a worse time with the situation that my family is in. I couldn't react to what had happened any other way and then I remember screaming a few times and I said something about how "the car fucking hit us" to my dad. I didn't see much because I was covering my eyes as I kept crying. Plus, my glasses were somewhere and so I couldn't see much anyway.

The guy that hit us was a little over a year older than me and he had two girls with him in the car, around the same age. Evidently they were very sympathetic and the guy came over right away and said that it was totally his fault. All that mattered was that so how no one got hurt. If it would have been a head on collision then it could have been so much worse. I don't know how the three in the other car didn't get hurt. 

I was still sitting in the passenger's seat and then my dad called my mom to come. Sometime the cops finally showed up and then called for the tow-trucks. My mom came and then I blirred a billion nonsense things to her. I eventually got out of the car and looked at the front of my dad's car. Virtually the whole front got smashed in, it was a ugly sight. I walked with my mom to to where she had parked- it was in a lot because the accident happened right off the turnpike entrance (in our case). The kids in the other car where from about two hours north of where we live. They were lost and I guess they saw the turnpike and thought ok let's go without thinking about on coming traffic and then it happened. I wanted to say to the guy that I was glad that no one in his car had gotten hurt but I was still in shock that it had happened. I may well write him and tell him that. One of the girls saw me in the car and said that maybe she could talk to me to my dad because we were about the same age but I was still crying and so she didn't. After we were home my mom said that the driver came over and asked if I was ok and he said that the last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt anyone.

We eventually drove home and then ate. My dad was white as a ghost and my eyes were burning from crying and my face was stinging and burning from the air bag. We ate dinner and processed what had happened. I am so blessed that no one got hurt. ALWAYS WEAR YOUR SEAT BELT! The windshield was broken through in so many pieces that it looked like a spider web. I touched it to see if it had cracked all the way through. I've been sore and the signs on my face from it are pretty much going away. The other car got totaled but they haven't decided if they are going to total my dad's car. I got my glasses fixed today and then went back for last period class. My dad got a rental car and my car was scheduled for maintence and so that is in the shop. -What a way to end the week-

I don't even ever want to imagine what would have happened if any of us hadn't had our seat belt on.

Everything that's happened recently is starting to show on my dad's face- still he keeps going. My mom does so a pretty remarkable job of masking what she's feeling most of the time. She has the ability to just get done what needs to get done.

My dad did hear back from the firm in Maryland. They said that they still had to talk things over and that they would call sometime this week. All of that is still waiting in the wings and no action with the house.

So, yes, I'm on whatever type of "rebound" from last week. Maybe it was the lunar eclipse but the past few weeks have been crazy. But hey, the Red Sox broke the curse so it must have been.

The election tomorrow. Check out lockwoman's blog for "opinions on Americans." I've heard about all the things that the Republicans are doing to throw off the ballots. The whole system is even more corrupt, it's disgusting. Still, it'll be quite awhile before we even know who "won." Neither of them are fit (I think if Nader could win then we'd all be in a whole hell of a lot better shape) but Kerry if the "lesser of the two evils." People are so blinded, especially everyone who supports Bush just because of terrorism. All he talks about is 911. He's keeping the people ignorant to the real issues and the fact that he hasn't really done anything "good" during his administration. He hasn't. He keeps the people in a constant state of fear of "those damn terrorists." On the other hand all Kerry talks about is being a vet. I wish people really knew the reality of all the issues and the real situation before they voted. But I guess it is more important that people vote at all.

-- I'll end here for tonight. Seat belts!!!!!!!    

LOVE LIFE     & nbsp;   

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;