life (for now) on the midshore

a cynics's look? don't sue me...

It may be a bit cynical (or too real/true) but I got a "kick" out of this. A reading selection for my Lit. class for tomorrow. Please don't sue me Margaret Atwood!!

"Happy Endings" (1983)

John and Mary meet.
What happens next?
If you want a happy ending, try A.

A.

John and Mary fall in love and get married. They both have worthwhile and remunerative jobs which they find stimulating and challenging. They buy a charming house. Real estate values go up. Eventually, when they can afford live-in help, they have two children, to whom they are devoted. The children turn out well. John and Mary have a stimulating and challenging sex life and worthwhile friends. They go on fun vacations together. They retire. They both have hobbies which they find stimulating and challenging. Eventually they die. This is the end of the story.

B.

Mary falls in love with John but John doesn't fall in love with Mary. He merely uses her body for selfish pleasure and ego gratification of a tepid kind. He comes to her apartment twice a week and she cooks him dinner, you'll notice that he doesn't even consider her worth the price of a dinner out, and after he's eaten dinner he fucks her and after that he falls asleep, while she does the dishes so he won't think she's untidy, having all those dirty dishes lying around, and puts on fresh lipstick so she'll look good when he wakes up, but when he wakes up he doesn't even notice, he puts on his socks and his shorts and his pants and his shirt and his tie and his shoes, the reverse order from the one in which he took them off. He doesn't take off Mary's clothes, she takes them off herself, she acts as if she's dying for it every time, not because she likes sex exactly, she doesn't, but she wants John to think she does because if they do it often enough surely he'll get used to her, he'll come to depend on her and they will get married, but John goes out the door with hardly so much as a good-night and three days later he turns up at six o'clock and they do the whole thing over again.

Mary gets run-down. Crying is bad for your face, everyone knows that and so does Mary but she can't stop. People at work notice. Her friends tell her John is a rat, a pig, a dog, he isn't good enough for her, but she can't believe it. Inside John, she thinks, is another John, who is much nicer. This other John will emerge like a butterfly from a cocoon, a Jack from a box, a pit from a prune, if the first John is only squeezed enough.

One evening John complains about the food. He has never complained about her food before. Mary is hurt.

Her friends tell her they've seen him in a restaurant with another woman, whose name is Madge. It's not even Madge that finally gets to Mary: it's the restaurant. John has never taken Mary to a restaurant. Mary collects all the sleeping pills and aspirins she can find, and takes them and a half a bottle of sherry. You can see what kind of a woman she is by the fact that it's not even whiskey. she leaves a note for John. She hopes he'll discover her and get her to the hospital in time and repent and then they can get married, but this fails to happen and she dies.

John marries Madge and everything continues as in A.

C.

John, who is an older man, falls in love with Mary, and Mary, who is only twenty-two, feels sorry for him because he's worried about his hair falling out. She sleeps with him even though she's not in love with him. She met him at work. She's in love with someone called James, who is twenty-two also and not yet ready to settle down.

John on the contrary settled down long ago: this is what is bothering him. John has a steady, respectable job and is getting ahead in his field, but Mary isn't impressed by him, she's impressed by James, who has a motorcycle and a fabulous record collection. But James is often away on his motorcycle, being free. Freedom isn't the same for girls, so in the meantime Mary spends Thursday evenings with John. Thursdays are the only days John can get away.

John is married to a woman called Madge and they have two children, a charming house which they bought just before the real estate values went up, and hobbies which they find stimulating and challenging, when they have the time. John tells Mary how important she is to him, but of course he can't leave his wife because a commitment is a commitment. He goes on about this more than is necessary and Mary finds it boring, but older men can keep it up longer so on the whole she has a fairly good time.

One day James breezes in on his motorcycle with some top-grade California hybrid and James and Mary get higher than you'd believe possible and they climb into bed. Everything becomes very underwater, but along comes John, who has a key to Mary's apartment. He finds them stoned and entwined. He's hardly in any position to be jealous, considering Madge, but nevertheless he's overcome with despair. Finally he's middle-aged, in two years he'll be as bald as an egg and he can't stand it. He purchases a handgun, saying he needs it for target practice--this is the thin part of the plot, but it can be dealt with later--and shoots the two of them and himself.

Madge, after a suitable period of mourning, marries an understanding man called Fred and everything continues as in A, but under different names.

D.

Fred and Madge have no problems. They get along exceptionally well and are good at working out any little difficulties that may arise. But their charming house is by the seashore and one day a giant tidal wave approaches. Real estate values go down. The rest of the story is about what caused the tidal wave and how they escape from it. They do, though thousands drown, but Fred and Madge are virtuous and grateful, and continue as in A.

E.

Yes, but Fred has a bad heart. The rest of the story is about how kind and understanding they both are until Fred dies. Then Madge devotes herself to charity work until the end of A. If you like, it can be "Madge," "cancer," "guilty and confused," and "bird watching."

F.

If you think this is all too bourgeois, make John a revolutionary and Mary a counterespionage agent and see how far that gets you. Remember, this is Canada. You'll still end up with A, though in between you may get a lustful brawling saga of passionate involvement, a chronicle of our times, sort of.

You'll have to face it, the endings are the same however you slice it. Don't be deluded by any other endings, they're all fake, either deliberately fake, with malicious intent to deceive, or just motivated by excessive optimism if not by downright sentimentality.

The only authentic ending is the one provided here:
John and Mary die. John and Mary die. John and Mary die.

So much for endings. Beginnings are always more fun. True connoisseurs, however, are known to favor the stretch in between, since it's the hardest to do anything with.

That's about all that can be said for plots, which anyway are just one thing after another, a what and a what and a what.

Now try How and Why.

for you

shoot me in the face

January is pretty much seeing itself out the door.

Second semester began on monday. Mid-terms were ok. Life is the same. I have not changed at all or so it really seems that way recently.

The manager called a little while ago and my hours are getting cut back even more. My mom drove my brother back to college saturday and so he's back there and she comes back this weekend.

We have finally and officially sold the house. The couple finally settled on their offer and after a three hour (wtf?) inspection and appraisal it is a done deal. I'm pretty sure that we are moving Feb. 9th and then settlement is on the 11th. Aka soon. We're moving to Cape- the next town over but not telling the school. I may look for a job in Cape. It would save on gas at least. We'll be there until mid-June and then move to where ever into another rental for about a year until we finish building. The firm in Annapolis finally presented an offer to my dad but it wasn't so great considering the cost of living in that area. He tried to interview with the firm in Altoona, PA but couldn't because of snow/ice. He's going to that interview this thursday for a job in State College or Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh!!! So by this weekend we should know what we're going to be doing and where we'll be moving.

The first two weeks of this month were a bit weird. Last week was better. This week is weird again. It's all finally sinking in that oh my god my supposed youth is shortly coming to an end. Everything is changing (again) - of course. .1% of me is or wants to be a complete wreck now. It's like a regression back to 7th grade. It may seems immature but it's difficult to ignore. It doesn't matter in the slightest though.

I found out that the Korea program is from about the last week in August until about mid-December. A little longer than I had thought. To be honest I am quite a bit apprehensive about it. I get that weird feeling in my stomach. I have no idea when I'm going to learn Korean. I really like Pitt and I'm still thinking about occupational therapy and religious studies because they offer both. I might just travel around if I can some how.

In some ways I have not changed since I moved here. In a lot of ways I've failed to move on. I don't know why. I am so done with the last few years. Everyone else has moved on but me or so it seems to some degree. A certain person and I are growing increasingly out of touch however regretfully. It seems a bit inevitable though. This person moved on and seems to just be enjoying their fun. I really wanted to be shot in the face last night though. A close friend and I finally caught up after awhile and holy hell was I thrown for a 360. This person had never dated up until now and now she's been dating this guy (her "special friend") for over three months now. She's know this guy for a long time though but how well I'm not so sure. He's 19 and she's 17. My friend has had a rough family situation and her parents don't a pprove and now their just trying to pretend like it's not happening. I hate when parents refuse to face reality. Parents not parenting. (see cutter's "unfit" entry) She likes to drink. She says not in excess and god I hope not. She went to visit this guy where he's living now in PA without her parents knowing about it (yes, lying). She didn't tell me everything yet. She did tell me about her experience with Jack Daniels and about a time when her boyfriend was stoned out of his mind. She said that she's made him stop the drugs but apparently he was locked up when he was younger. -Please tell me that you agree that this guy is nothing but a bad trip- My friend was and maybe still is a straight A student and she could do anything she wants. I don't want her to get hurt or used or anything like that. She's just going to the bottle and his guy to get away from her problems even though she knows full fucking well that their not going to go away. I don't want to see her start now and throw everything that she is and can be away just for a good time. She has so much to offer. I told her this. I thought I was going to have a heart attack when I found out all of this last night. She doesn't seem to think it's anything that's not at least somewhat under her control. But still to have never dated anyone and then to start dating this guy. Sounds like bad news to me. I told her and we both know that she ultimately has to deal with her own decisions. I love my friend and she's been though a lot already and I don't want her to go through more again. She shouldn't and she shouldn't have to go to this guy to validate who or what she is or to make things better. She's the only one who can change things for herself. I do not think they have had sex and she said they didn't and I believe her on that. They have had oral sex (that sounds a bit too formal) and more than once. I don't think she really even likes giving it. I got the feeling that she was a little ashamed. It was like am I the only sane person left? I thought she was but I don't know.

Inwardly I've grown so much over the past years but perhaps outwardly I'm still in my shell more so than I ought to be at this point. I've probably held on to things that really weren't important. It's pathetic but I don't have anyone to tell things to. Everyone is moving on and has their own things to deal with. But to think that two of my closest friends really aren't much so anymore is a bit of a jolt. I'll be moving on too. I've always valued my alone time but sometimes it's like who do I turn to now? I do owe so much to my parents for who I am morally and otherwise. I have always had a keen sense of what was important to me and I never want to lost that. I have to always be true to who I am and not lose sight of what is genuine and worthwhile. I would have given up a long time ago if I did not have that strength. That is the only thing I have. I don't tell my parents about things much because they have so much on their plates, especially now. I think I'm done a pretty good job dealing with things and  at not being influenced by the shit that teens my age do. I never had the need to do any of that and I'm glad for that. It just seems a bit disheartening and a bad time to be totally separating with some things that I thought would be at least some what constant. It gets to me from time to time. Sometimes I hate to think about how alone we all are but we all have to walk our own path. Life experience. I'm lacking. Is it stupid for me to think that people are still fully capable of high morals?  

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more music recommendations

In between actual entires are some music recommendation s:

Revolver: Some think this is the Beatles at their best. This album touches on quite a few different areas of sound. I definitely like this album a lot but some of the songs sound too much like filler. Second or third to Abbey Road. Still, get this. Highlights: "Eleanor Rigby," "Yellow Submarine," "Good Day Sunshine," "And Your Bird Can Sing," "For No One" and "Got to Get You into My Life." > Most of the album. "Taxman" is fun too.     

Past Masters, Vol. 2: Collection of non-EP Beatles. Great collection and Hey Jude is found here!

Bootleg Series, Vol. 4: Bob Dylan live in '66. Actually recorded in Manchester and not at Royal Albert Hall in London. Many consider this the best live rock album of all time. The recording was definitely historic Dylan. It's worth exploring all the different periods of Bob Dylan. Poetry in motion.

Notes from the Underground: Medeski Martin & Wood. The first record from this popular avant-garde jazz band. I like a few of their songs from their post Underground albums but this album is smooth. Some comment that if they wanted the kind of jazz on this one that they'd just go to the classics but it is uniquely MMW before they went crazy. Highlight: United.

The Best of Django Reinhardt: Blue Note collection from the 30s-40s swing jazz master. Very enjoyable listening here. I heard a version of Minor Swing towards the beginning of Chocolat and wanted to explore further. Great upbeat music.

-(From upbeat (above) to very mellow (below)-  

Beyond the Missouri Sky (Short Stories): Bassist Charlie Haden and Pat Metheny. I tried to like Pat Metheny's stuff but just couldn't. Maybe the upcoming release will prove otherwise. However, this album is very, very low key. Reviewers have called it "bedtime/nighttime music" or "put me to sleep, dull," but if you are in the right mood then it is great. Very mellow, sublime, just drift off with this one...     & nbsp;  

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;

all over the place...

First post of the new year. Already almost half way through January.? Volume three of the blog has been up for about six months now and it's not going anywhere anytime soon- except over to Korea- I'm looking forward to blogging in Korea this fall.

A few updates and thoughts on the past month or so:

School and work are the same. Mid-terms next week, two alternative ones. Hours are being cut back at work = I don't have an excuse to not study for mid-terms.

My dad interviewed with Parsons down in NC last week. Hopefully that comes through, not to live in NC but probably back to MD. The house still hasn't sold but this couple still hasn't made up their mind and we had another promising showing over the weekend. It's like a ball was thrown up in the air and we're just waiting for gravity to act and pull it back down to earth. Yeah, that's how it is right now.    

My brother heads back to college at the end of next week and then my mom will be back in MD for about a week or so. Just me and my dad = happy. We're going to Quebec for a few days over February break at the end of the month. We want to get up there before we move over the summer. I think my mom and I are going back to New York to visit my cousin again over April break. I guess I'm still going to the FHS prom at the end of May. Haven't gotten a hold of Pat but I guess that is still a go- unfortunately. I'd rather just not go to either. Hopefully Dianna and I will be able to get together over the summer once I figure out where I'm moving to and before she heads off to college and me to Korea. Korea - geeze - still hasn't hit me.   

Things have been fairly stationary lately but I've felt all over the place the past few weeks or so. Hormones? I don't know- hormones get a bad rep. It's hard to materialize everything. There's this hole in my heart that my mind and soul are having a hard time compensating for. In a way I've felt more lost then I have in a long while lately. It's like I'm walking around half blind- with one eye open. Or one eye closed. I still have this thing about figuring out what I'm doing with my life. I have this "larger than life" need to do something truly worthwhile but I don't know how to do it. I don't really want to get married etc., well with maybe one exception. I realize that I'm really good at waiting. It feels like that's all I've been doing. Waiting, waiting and more waiting. A really good dose of patience. I wonder if I'll ever actually make it to college. I've thought about traveling more after Korea but then we run into the issue of those funds. Maybe I'll join AmeriCorps like I thought I was going to, after Korea. Maybe I'll join Greenpeace then. I figure that I'll get to college at some point.

It's like if I feel like giving up now before I even try then what's going to happen down the road? My worst fear is just completely giving up one day when I'm in my thirties of forties. I still don't want to be dependent or dependent on other people. I just want to travel and do my own thing- whatever that may be. Keep being a free spirit. I think it would be awesome to study abroad in Greece at some point. I'll like to head out west before too long too. Over the weekend my dad and I made a pact to go skydiving before he dies- we have about 35 years. I think my brother is going to go too.

It is still a strange time. Not necessarily the best way to start off the year but I feel that I've become much closer to being a better person. As best I can be for now. A lot better then I used to be. Things have changed. Life rolls on. I just want simplicity  ;in life. Throw out the superfluous.

We were talking about it in psych. yesterday: Things change so much from the span of 11 to 21. Why is it all condensed into those quick ten years? It's like when you're 16 or 17 you're still considered a kid but once your 18 you're pushed out and once you hit 21 you better fly right and have you're act together. Sure people mature (hopefully) by then but why does society think that things change that much in those short years? I'm not a kid so much anymore but I don't necessarily feel ready to step out and up to "adult responsibilities," even though I think when the time comes I will be able to. I feel like I'm on that brink. In a lot of ways I never feel like I'm ready for anything and in a lot of ways I don't think there will ever be an exact time when I do feel a readiness. I don't think life works that way. In the past when it came time for certain things they either never came or they were not a big deal. More often then not that's how it usually works. As frustrated as I may get there is just too much to live for. I can't afford to make excuses for myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm held together by tons of tiny bows. If the strings are pulled then I start falling apart. I guess it's not necessarily supposed to be the "easiest" thing to be true to who you are and what you believe in- it shouldn't be. I wish I could completely ignore what I feel and just constantly push onward with total determination and perserverance. - I saw this cute "How many lightbulbs joke" yesterday: How many cancers does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer was: One, but it'll require a therapist to get through the grieving process. - Ha.

My "friend" (hmm, the friend that I happen to love but that's a whole nother four year story in itself) and I were talking the other day and somehow we got onto the subject of being mature and what not. He asked me if I had had any romances lately. (me and romances = ?) I said no and he said it's because you're too mature. I said something along the lines of I guess so to some extent. He said being mature at our age is both a blessing and a curse. I think that now that definitely applies. Still, I wouldn't want to me anyone or "anything" other than who or what I am.    

-- Yet again the time for all the posts is still not correct.     & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;