its been awhile
04.26.05 (12:39 pm) [edit]Just got back from NYC sunday evening. Had a great time. Tell you about it later on. A month until Maryland. About 27 school days until graduation. Then the move back to Maryland- wow.
Here is an entry that has taken a long time to make it into the blog.
04.15.05 (10:26 ET)
Holy shit. Wow. It feels like it has been a long time since my last real entry. I've tried to make one online but I never got more than a few lines. I want to write evertyhing not but I'm getting pretty sleepy. My eyes hurt.
I'll try and start. Where to start? I'm in the fourth quarter of senior year- the last weeks of my "formal education." It has finally hit me. I know I'm going to cry at graduation. Going to Korea has hit me to lately. It is crazy that I'll be on the other side of the world. I'm starting to look into flights. In a lot of ways I'm already missing my family, home- yes, comfort and security. In a lot of ways that stems from knowing that a lot will change. I don't know how I'm going to deal with the language issues. I've said it before but I don't "feel" Asian. I see other Asians- Asian families- and I feel so disconnected. Like I'm a whitewash of who I was/who I could have been. I've just felt stripped of my Asian identity. That leads me to the next thing...
Oh lord. The shit hit the fan twice. Double shit. I came home from work one night a few weeks ago and my parents were in an "arguement." It was about the whole "BJ issue"- once again. So I had to put my opinion in- it was like the worst memory- back in NH- and I was not going to hold my tounge- my mom needed to hear it.
Then a few days after that we had another "talk" that lasted for at least three hours. Everything at least just about everything came out. Well I had told my dad about how I felt/had felt about being adopted a day prior because our discussion was in context to the previous once. So I finally told both of them and no it wasn't quite as hard as I once thought- not so dramatic. Who knows. I finally addressed the fact that my mom and I do not know each other. Pretty much everything came up. Divorce came up. -At this point they have "always" made it work and after everything that has gone down over the past month or so they are going to try and work on it.
So my grandmother came up to visit. My aunt had called me up and we got into it about the whole "she and my mom" situation for the forty millionth time. I told her that it was the less of two evils to call each other out but she said she "could never do that." She called up and then talked to my mom- when she couldn't get around it- and figured that my mom would get it and so she talked liked nothing had happened. That totally did not go well with my mom.
So onto when she and her husband Jack came up that weekend when my grandmother was here. Shit hit the fan twice. The day had gone fine and I didn't think my dad was going to bring up the need for a discussion but then he did... then he did.
I guess my mom felt comfortable and wanted to approach things in a mature light but of course BJ being the emotional mess that she is broke down and really wanted to leave. Jack was being the asshole that he is. I don't need to write about that further. So they both got up. BJ was not going to sit down and talk about it. Way to emotional. Oh god. They stayed. The dust was just starting to settle the next morning when they left.
My grandmother and I had a heartfelt conversation when the four went downstairs to finish "the rumble." So evidently Jack picked up my grandmother at the bus station. Then one night BJ called up and told my dad to "fuck himself." WOW. I lost a lot of whatever respect I had for her. My grandmother had told me that she had no intention of coming up (root issues- too much to go into detail). She said so when they were leaving before so BJ had- whatever- to be able to, well actually, did not have the balls to sit down and admit and discuss in a mature way. Even before then she was at "fault" and after that wow, yes it was a lie. It seemes like the writing was on the wall. -So Jack must have made up some bull shit- Chirst- and tole it to BJ to cause her to call and tell my dad to fuck off. So today my dad talked to my grandother and she said she did not say anything to Jack, That is where things stand with all of "that" right now. My dad is going down to MD next week to look at houses. He may stop at my aunt's house- welcome or unwelcome- I've just gotten to the point that I can't keep getting upset and sad over it. It is their issue to deal with and after all that came out I really do think that now the ball is in BJ's court. I don't know. My mom feels better- less stress. She feels that she has a better grip on things now. No she is not perfect by many reasons but she is not a person of ill intent. There are a lot of holes to fill between she and I...
god- I "know" how hard my dad has been feeling lately. Work and the MD moving situation has been enough but to throw the wife and sister thing and everything that transpired on top of that it has really been a tough time for him mentally, emotionally these past few months. The past year has been tough. I still admire him but ever more so now I realize that he has his issues too- like my mom had issues- and that I have to find my own way. I can't reach out to him in a lot of ways. He has a lot on his plate and it actually seems like it has always been that way. He was making a lot of concessions for my aunt but he's still in the middle and at least feels like he has to take responsibility to act and try to mend things if possible at this point. So a lot has happened since my last entry.
I don't necessarily want to dwell on this but I had written --a letter. Saying that there is still a lot about each other that we don't know. We had an honest conversation . More like him listening to me. He brought out a lot of realities and a lot of things that stung. I don't know- I don't know if he has taken me seriously either. Our whatevership remains as confusing as ever. He's in Philadelphia this weekend. I don't know. I do know that we'll be moving soon and that my life will be rolling on- as well as his. --He just told me that he'll probably be in Chicago this summer after I asked about coming to see him this summer-- I don't know what will happen if that doesn't work out- to see him. He knows what he's looking for and I don't think I'm it. We both have a lot of growing to do. It's hot in my room.
He did bring up the point about me not having ever had a boyfriend still. Looking back I do wish I would have acted differently- it's not like never having had a boyfriend is something that I'm proud of. I just seem to be able to not let it bug me so much. I guess it stemmed from not wanting to confront my mom about it- so stupid- that was the case with Patrick and HC. Then I guess that move didn't help in that department and just insecurities and having the mindset that I could wait leads me to that point where I'm at with that now. I do realize that who ever is my first boyfriend- oh geeze- so embarassed- will have to be patient with me while I learn the ropes of relationships. Patience I just hope I'm not 20 and still waiting for my first kiss. Howver, with the way things are going now it's not looking so good. Weird territory for me.
It is true that I have separated myself from much of the teenage scene. Things just happened... I choose what I choose. It applies to a lot that I do- I really don't approach things for the short term. I'm almost always looking for how it will run in the long term. I want things that are geunine and lasting. Way not to live in the present?!?
I'm starting to loss track of my thoughts here. I've pretty much concldued that I'm not going to be able to do anything"big" of really make positive change.- I'll have to put down Peace Corps as as close as I can get. I don't know. I am very unsettled now. One somewhat big part of my life is coming to an end- my childhood- my youth. One letting go. In many ways though I feel ready. In a lot of ways I'm hoping that I can make up for whatever "I missed out on in high school" when I'm in college. I just hope that I don't give up.
I am going down to FHS for Prom and their graduation that should be interesting...
- Add more soon
lyrics
04.13.05 (4:16 pm) [edit]Just some lyrics that I like/have had meaning for me...
"[i]But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations [/i]
Filled with empty words
And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire Burning at these mysteries
Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything
You are Give me one more chance to be... (near You)
[i]Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate [/i]
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take
When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...
I'm standing on the edge of me
[i]I'm standing on the edge of everything
I've never been before.[/i]
And i've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge"
"So I'll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right"
"[i]Everybody is just a stranger but
That's the danger in going my own way [/i]
I guess it's the price I have to pay
Still 'everything happens for a reason'
Is no reason not to ask myself If I am living it right"
"I got dosed by you and
Closer than most to you and
What am I supposed to do
[i]Take it away I never had it anyway [/i]
Take it away and everything will be okay
In you a star is born and
You cut a perfect form and
Someone forever warm
Lay on lay on lay on lay on
Lay on lay on lay on lay on
We're upon the Nile where she died
All I ever wanted was your light
Deep inside the cave where I can hide
All I ever wanted was your light
Show love with no remorse and
Climb on to your seahorse and
This ride is right on course
This is the way I wanted it to be with you
This is the way that I knew that it would be with you
Lay on lay on lay on lay on
Lay on lay on lay on lay on
We're upon the Nile where she died
All I ever wanted was your light
Deep inside the cave where I can hide
All I ever wanted was your light
I got dosed by you and
Closer than most to you and
What am I supposed to do
Take it away I never had it anyway
Take it away and everything will be okay
We're upon the Nile where she died
All I ever wanted was your light
Deep inside the cave where I can hide
All I ever wanted was your light"
"I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
[i]Oh simple thing where have you gone I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin[/i]"
"Time is a jet plane it moves so fast
Oh but what a shame if all we've shared can't last I can change I swear oh oh
See what you can do I can make it through
You can make it too."
"Bag it
Tag it
Sell it to the butcher in the store"
"Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love, the love that I love.
See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive
And it's okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang"
"You say the word
You know I will find you
Or if you need some time
I don't mind
I don't hold on
To the tail of your kite
[i]I'm not like the girls that you've known
But I believe I'm worth coming home to[/i]"
"We never change
[i]I wanna live life
and never be cruel
and I wanna live life
and be good to you[/i]
and I wanna fly
and never come down
and live my life
and have friends around
we never change, do we?
no, no
we never learn, do we?
[i]so I wanna live... in a wooden house
I wanna live life
and always be true
and I wanna live life
and be good to you[/i]
I wanna fly
and never come down
and live my life
and have friends around
we never change, do we?
no no
we never learn, do we?
so I wanna live... in a wooden house
where making more friends would be easy
oh and I don't have a soul to save
yes and I sin every single day
we never change, do we?
we never learn, do we?
so I wanna live in a wooden house
where making more friends would be easy
I wanna live where the sun comes out"
"[i]look at the stars
look how they shine for you
and everything you do
yeah they were all yellow[/i]
I came along
I wrote a song for you
and all the things you do
and it was called yellow
So then I took my turn
oh wh at a thing to have done
and it was all yellow
[i]your skin
oh yeah your skin and bones
turn into something beautiful
and you know
you know I love you so
you know I love you so[/i]
I swam across
I jumped across for you
oh what a thing to do
'cos you were all yellow
I drew a line
I drew a line for you
oh what a thing to do
and it was all yellow
[i]and your skin
oh yeah your skin and bones
turn into something beautiful
and you know
for you I bleed myself dry
for you I bleed myself dry[/i]
it's true
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine
[i]look at the stars
look how they shine for you
and all the things that you do"[/i]
"Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
[i]Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails[/i]
Heads on a science apart
[i]Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said that it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start[/i]
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
[i]Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are[/i]
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start"
"[i]how long before I get in
before it starts, before I begin
how long before you decide
before I know what it feels like
where to?
Where do I go?
if you've never tried then you'll never know
how long do I have to climb
up on the side of this mountain of mine [/i]
look up, I look up at night
planets are moving at the speed of light
climb up, up in the trees
every chance that you get
is a chance you seize
[u]how long am I gonna can stand
with my head stuck under the sand [/u]
I start before I can stop
before I see thing the right way up
all that noise, all that sound
all those places that i have found
and birds go flying at the speed of sound
to show how it all began
birds came flying from the underground
if you could see it then you'd understand
ideas that you'll never find
or the inventors could never design
the buildings that you put up
Japan and China... all lit up
the sign that I couldn't read
or the light that I couldn't see
some things you have to believe
but others are puzzles, puzzling me
all that noise, all that sound
all those places that i have found
and birds go flying at the speed of sound
to show how it all began
birds came flying from the underground
if you could see it then you'd understand
all those signs I knew what they meant
something you can't invent
Some get made, and some get sent
ooh
words go flying at the speed of sound
to show how it all began
birds came flying from the underground
if you could see it then you'd understand
oh, [i]when you see it then you'll understand[/i]"
"Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
[i]Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you[/i]
[i]As years go by
I race the clock with you
But if you died right now
You know that I'd die to[/i]
I'd die too
[i]You remind me of the times
When I knew who I was[/i] (I was)
But still the second hand will catch us
Like it always does
[i]We'll make the same mistakes
I'll take the fall for you
[u]I hope you need this now
Cause I know I still do[/u][/i]
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Should I bite my tongue?
Until blood soaks my shirt
We'll never fall apart
[i]Tell me why this hurts so much[/i]
[i]My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
But still we'll say, "remember when"
Just like we always do
Just like we always do[/i]
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Yeah I'd spill my heart!!!
Yeah I'd spill my heart for you!!!
My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
[i]We made the same mistakes
Mistakes like friends do[/i]
My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
Made the same mistakes
[i]Until the day I die[/i]
I'll spill my heart for you, for you"
"Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong
See I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me
[i][u]I want to see miracles, see the world change[/u][/i]
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts.
I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out."
"Highways and dancehalls
A good song takes you far
Your write about the moon
And you dream about the stars
Blues in old motel rooms
Girls in daddy's car
You sing about the nights
And you laugh about the scars
Coffee in the morning cocaine afternoons
You talk about the weather
And you grin about the rooms
Phone calls long distance
To tell how you've been
Forget about the losses, you exaggerate the wins
And when you stop to let 'em know
You've got it down
It's just another town along the road
The ladies come to see you
If your name still rings a bell
They give you damn near nothin'
And they'll say they knew you well
So you tell 'em you'll remember
But they know it's just a game
And along the way their faces
All begin to look the same
And when you stop to let 'em know
You got it down
It's just another town along the road
Well it isn't for the money
And it's only for a while
You stalk about the rooms
And you roll away the miles
Gamblers in the neon, clinging to guitars
You're right about the moon
But you're wrong about the stars
And when you stop to let 'em know
You got it down
It's just another town along the way"