life (for now) on the midshore

so true for me right now

It's time for me to stand up.

the four universal questions...

Pretty accurate

don't read this

What?! You read it anyway- ok, honestly, you really weren't going to read this. Stop shitting me and everyone else.  

regressing back into one of my irritated entries...

I think that there are about 14 days left of school. I am going down to FHS for Prom and their graduation in about a week and a half. It'll be nice to see people but I probably could do without going if you put a few people aside. Ever increasingly when I think about it it just makes me sick to my stomach. I really do not know what would have happened had I stayed. Stagnation seems to be the most appropriate word. I remember that "my favorite teacher" asked me if I still had friends down there. I was like umm yes and no. In reality I never really had that many friends in MD. I've said it before but when you're growing up "friends" are created a lot more out of a "you're in my immediate environment so I'm going to be your friend." That isn't to say that friendship when I "was younger" weren't meaningful then because many of them were. It still really puzzles me that my friends and I didn't really hang out as much as we "should have." One- we couldn't drive but I guess my home life and my school life were two totally separate things. In quite a few ways that is still true. But if I actually sit and count the people that are still "friends" the number is: 5 = Hellen, Josh, Sam, Alexandra, Lauren. I think I'll always feel a very close connection with Hellen. (Ms. 360) I still keep in touch with Josh, Alex, and Lauren but not on a really regular basis. I talk to Sam the most and yes we are friends and probably for the better. However, our friendship has never been much of anything profound. Who knows. And up here- oh man. There's probably only about one person that has been I guess for the most part "real." I do think that this year has been the best though. It has been. A lot of things that I never thought would happen have. Same goes for the other side of the spectrum. It has just been very frustrating though, especially lately. For example: a person who I (was a bit surprised that we became friends) thought was real has just been so distant. It has annoyed me to the extent that I don't even feel like saying hello to this person or making an effort with this person unless this person does so first. Many times this person doesn't make any effort. I guess I came to "conclusions" to soon. It's like I either see dumb people or fake people and a lot of the time it's just both. It keeps reoccuring that I feel like I am "always" the one to give more in friendships etc. or more exactly I feel like I care so much more about the other person. Is that selfish of me to think that? I mean I do see the point that people view relationships differently. I do value not being dependent on others and my autonomy by a long shot. It just goes back to that fact that people are so distant and fake and recently I'm just getting so sick and tired of feelings like people really don't care about our friendship. I mean that did apply to when I was younger too because I was the one who very more often than not coordinated things. Maybe I take the whole "friendship thing" to heavily but then again I don't take many things too lightly. I mean I understand that people change etc. and I'm not excusing myself from that because that definitely applies to the old friends. It's just that even now people that I thought were friends just really aren't. I really try to not have any expectations, especially for people, (hmm...don't know how well I'm doin with that) but it is a bit disheartening.

Some of my other recent thoughts:

I just wonder sometimes why I('ve) (choosen)/chose to be so private, quite, alone. Thinking about that sometimes just makes me sad.

Do I go to writing to lay down my thoughts or to get away from them?

Now thinking about everything with  ;a certain person I just realize finally how "fake" everything was. Maybe fake is a little too heavily loaded but it just really wasn't much of anything real. It couldn't have been. I see it happening with someone else and it's just soo soo so fucking fake. It's sad. All of it wasn't reality. It just wasn't. It wasn't even though sometimes I really did want it to be and so I made in into my reality. I also wanted to think that there was a real possibility that in the "future" it could be real. I don't know what this person thinks about it or has thought about it over these past four years or so. I hope it wasn't some sick fuck of a psychology experiment on this person's behalf because damn you'll sure be one hell of a psychologist. The worst part is probably the fact that no matter how much I now realize that it was never anything real (it's actually pretty embarassing now) it still hurts sometimes. Maybe when it hurts it just does because I realize how stupid I was. I think I did realize that before but I was able to rationalize it to fit the situation. Sometimes it is just so pathetic that I can actually miss something that never existed/doesn't exist. I hate you. I so fucking hate you. The next time I talk to this person the first thing that I'm going to tell this person is that I hate the person. What the hell was this person thinking?! Better yet what the fuck was I thinking all along? What was I thinking?     & nbsp;  

---

Well my dad officially gave his month notice at work on tuesday. I know how hard it has been for him this year and especially lately. He's been  much more distant in a lot of ways too. I love my dad probably more than anything else but it's just that after awhile I just want to put my hands up or scream or something that I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE FUCKING MOVE ANY FUCKING MORE, GOD DAMN!! It's like god just because that's all you can think about anymore doesn't mean that I can't think about anything else. And my mom- I don't know if she will ever be able to just let go of me. I really don't think that she thinks that I can do anything and I've said before too. She just doesn't think that I know anything or that I am actually capable of doing much of anything. She has to constantly remind me of so many stupid things- I hate it!!! It's all the time. It's just that sometimes I am so annoyed that at that certain moment if anyone is in my space then I'd just blow up at them and that isn't a pretty picture. It's like sometimes I am just so beyond the point or just so sick of being sad about those things- just let me be stupidly angry. I can't cry about any of it anymore.

--

I've wondered if I've ever really been "happy." I mean I am sooo sooo blessed but I just think too much. I really wish that I could have an on and off switch for thinking. I am happy and especially more so these past two years. I just get discouraged. I do realize that I don't have anyone to turn to. That's so-called "reality" for everyone all in all.

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;  

Existentialism goodies...

Jump on the bandwagon for just a second and go to my livejournal account for existentialism goodies: 

http://www.livejournal.com/users/mellowyellohkim /" title="http://www.livejournal.com/users/mellowyellohkim /" target="_blank"http://www.livejournal.com/us...

I only joined livejournal so I could access my friend's "lj." I'm not a tblog traitor.

Even if you don't click for the goodies here is a quote from a conversation last night between Sam and I:

Sam: i am guilty sheena
i just want you all to my self
i am a sheena hog
its like sam's pimp show and you are the star
i straight up pimped ya

- good stuff, good stuff