move
06.22.05 (6:33 pm) [edit](Same entry as on the tblog account)
Yet again- where to start?
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I am officially in Queenstown (really Grasonville but specifically really Bryantown), MD. Quite a lot has happened in the past two weeks or so. The move back to Maryland went well all in all. I was really glad that we didn't drive down in one day even if the drive isn't too bad. We stayed a night in NY and then another night a few miles from here before we could move in. Things have come together pretty well. My brother has been home from Salisbury a few times. I'm still looking for a job. I've put in about ten applications so far. I'm really hoping to get this job at a bookstore near by. Ha- the Quizno's story goes like this: I went into Quizno's on monday around 1:30 and I asked for an application. This older guy (who I later found out is the owner) said- hey you want a job- I was like, umm I guess- a bit spur of the moment. I filled out the application quick and he said- ok be back here around 3 so the manager can start your training. So I go back at 3 and the manager is this relatively young girl. The owner pretty much throws a uniform on me and gives me a broom- start sweeping. The manager never introduced herself or told me much about the job, what I'd really be doing or anything about what I'd be making. No paperwork or anything. All of that was an immediate turnoff. I worked for a few hours but I won't be going back. - I'm actually still enjoying the unemployed life. -
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Rewind: Back to Graduation ~
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June 12th=Graduation from SHS. The actual ceremony went by really quickly. The only part I really remember about walking across the stage to get my diploma was being the next person to receive his or her diploma. My heart "fluttered" a bit and then that was that. Project Grad. was actually a good time. We went on the bay for about two hours. It was a bit weird, but good, how people that you knew but didn't "know" came up and were like, "Hey! How's it goin?!" "Looking back" it would have been so awesome had everyone been like that all the time- but I'm guilty of not being open enough too. I had a nice conversation with Ally Koenig who ran XC- it's always nice to have an "intelligent" conversation with someone who is down-to-earth. After the boat we went to a sport and fitness club in Saco. At that point it was past 12 and we were there until 4 am. Good times though. A few of us went to Zach's and his mom was so cute with breakfast. I drove back to Cape and then me being the crazy person that I am I went for a run down to the beach at 6:30 in the morning after a night of no sleep. My aunt left to go back to my cousin's house in NH and then I went to bed around 8:30. I slept until 12:30 and then went back to sleep until 5:30.
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Back to my freakin aunt again. Ugh.! I guess things actually haven't moved on much with her. She and my mom. She and my dad. Her- whatever. From the second she walked in the door on the day of graduation she was just totally cold. Half-ass hugs, half-ass everything. I really did want to ask what her problem was. She was just so uninterested and I had to shake that off for graduation. After all of us came out of Merrill after the ceremony she still gave me the cold shoulder and she wanted to leave. My parents, she, my brother and my grandmother left. I really did just want to cry- I just felt really shitty at that point. It was like- if she didn't want to come then she didn't have to. She didn't have to come and put a cramp in all of it. Evidently she is still mad at my dad for whatever the hell she's mad at him for. Geeze, I seriously don't think things will ever change. I really do think my mom has worked at trying to make things better. I really do give my mom a lot of credit with all of that. The day of graduation at church she "lifted up a thanksgiving" that my grandmother and my aunt would both be joining us for graduation. That made me cry. I don't know. Everythings old news in that department- glad that's vented.
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Back to the point that I wish I would have gotten to know people sooner and better. What was I doing the past three years?!!? Last tuesday most of the Maine ladies and I went to Pat's for a "farwell" (until the roadtrip) of sorts. I was really glad that we all were able to get together. A few of us went to the mall to do some errands. Steph gave me this cool photo album, which I've filled up about 3/4 of the way. Courtney gave me an awesome guide for Korea and the Christmas bufanda. When we were about to leave she started crying and then I started crying. I am so glad that she and I became close friends especially over the past year. She is such a sweetheart- deals with MiniB! Mi amor- CB! Helen wasn't able to make it to the lunch at Pat's :( so Sarita called Steve and he came. = Me grining- I must confess that I am "in love" with Steve "the Plebe" Hayworth. He is definitely someone that I wish I would have gotten to know better. We'll see how things go here in Maryland since he'll be in Annapolis and I'll be in Grasonville...
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I got back home later that afternoon and then Helen called. We went to the Cold Stone for ice cream and honest conversation. I was really glad that we got together before I moved. I got home around 10 and then called Steph back. She said you're coming over bye. I called Helen and then we both went over. "Hot-tub" night was a lot of fun and I am truly bummed about all the fun times that I'm going to miss in Maine this summer. I am going to miss it and a part of me wants to believe that things would have been "simpler" had we stayed in Maine. Still, who knows- plus, everyone would have eventually left for college. If I hadn't moved then I would go to Korea and then probably have ended up at USM based on my mindset that I'm going to stay in state for college. I guess I'm just still kicking myself in the butt for not having gotten to know people better. Still- life is here in MD for me now and I have to move on. I'm looking at the Univ. of MD- College Park and then Salisbury. I'm going to try and plan a visit to UMCP for maybe late July. I tried to call SHS guidance for them to send my transcript and pathetic SAT scores. I e-mailed both colleges to try and find out when I could apply for fall 2006. I also looked up where I can go to get my papers sent for my passport. So I tried to be a bit productive today.
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I was in the same spot about the same time last night. Looking straight out the window I can see the moon. It looks like it's smiling through a copper haze. -The move is over and I'm here.- I don't know. I don't know if things will change between my parents, who knows. I guess I'm just glad that they've finally settled down for good. I don't know. My dad has always been my inspiration. Maybe it's because I'm older and maybe it's because I've finally let my mom see me for who I really am. Nowadays I see that my dad is completely human too. That totally does not change how much strength he has provided but he's not perfect even though sometimes maybe I wanted to think he wasn't really at fault. I've said it so many times before but he is unfulfilled. He's such and idealist and sometimes I can be a big one too. He's always told me that hey, there does come a point where you have to make decisions that put you down a certain path. Marriage being noteably one of them. There are a lot of things that perhaps he would have done differently. Maybe I realize that he can't save me from things that I don't necessarily want to deal with sometimes. Based on things he didn't/wasn't able to do I sometimes think that I should do some of the things he wasn't able to do because of choices he made. I also realized that I have to walk my own path and heck that's what I have to do. It may sound a bit stupid but it is pretty hard for me to realize that it took nearly 18 years for me to realize that he's not perfect.
- My brother is going to be 20 in a few weeks. That seems even stranger than me turning 18. 18- yeah but leaving the teens so to speak- it's gone fast for him. It is true that sure he'll come back home to "visit" but he's never going to actually "live" her again. He's out. My dad seems to understand that concept more so than my mom does. I am proud of my brother all in all. He is pretty focused considering what he could be focused on. I guess he's beginning to get "the rest of his life put together." Sometimes it really does frustrate me that he has figuratively and literally slept through a lot. I guess a lot that I had to go through. He was always out with friends, sleeping, at work, just not around for much. He has missed out on a lot of good moments with our parents. I realize that they aren't going to be around forever. He just hasn't been around to see the shit with the family, extended and immediate. He really doesn't have much of clue. When all the shit goes down it just makes me sick to my stomach that he has no idea. - Maybe it just seems like the first circle of my life (very young life) is coming full circle- so it seems. - "The move" seemed like a very formal benediction to my "youth." Then maybe again perhaps that's just one way to look at it.
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I'm going to end it there for tonight kids. I have to get up early tomorrow to take trash to the dump. Yeah- they give out tickets to the dump here. $1 per car load of your shit.
a little bit of everything
06.04.05 (3:11 pm) [edit]Well yesterday was the last day of "my formal education" aka the last day of high school. Scarborough High School Class of 2005- woot!! We got yearbooks and then Courtney and I had our last sixth period study hall "lunch date" at Romeo's ala the chicken cordon blue pizza. Later that night Saraita, Courtney and I went to see The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants- it was cute. I don't usually see "teeny chick flicks" so it was good. Today was the first day of my summer and I went to Helen's graduation party and had a good time. My brother gets home from Maryland tomorrow for graduation and then to help move. He's taking the red eye bus from Philly to New York, New York to Boston and then Boston to Portland. Steph's graduation party is next saturday and then graduation is next sunday. She is going to NYU (you're jealous too, right) and so that gives me even more of a reason to go to NYC after I get back from Korea.
Random facts:
via Dianna-
ArtemisDB13: lol, I have "notes" in my address book about you.
ArtemisDB13: I just remembered that.
ascendotuum7787: haha
ascendotuum7787: cool
ArtemisDB13: it says: "lil' Sheena, loves winter, sincere, XC, soul sister!, intellectual, pizza = yum, free spirit, environmentalist (save the trees!), loved by everyone, cool bean dip, borderline hippie, taking it easy"
1) My favorite color= blue
2) The songs I hate to love= "Like I love you" by Justin Timberlake and "Since You've Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson.
3) Songs I love to hate= anything by Good Charlotte
4) Favorite season= winter
5) Favorite ice cream= purple passion fruit sorbet by Ben & Jerry's
6) Something I know for certain= I will never (ever) be (let alone make it, ha) on the cover of Playboy
7) Career "goals"= nursing, Peace Corps
8 Favorite food= pizza
9) Fondest memory= probably the Mountain Run during FHS XC '01- the 3rd and last mile of that race was my most quality/strongest mile ever
10) Favorite quote: see LJ (mellowyellohkim)
11) Something I would like to see happen for me= I do actually think I would like to get married or at least have a very long term relationship at some point in my life
12) Something I would like to see for the rest of the world= everyone switch to fuel cell cars- the most practical thing for the world instead of "world peace"
13) Sexy voice= Anthony Kiedis - rocks my world
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Onto my "senior testimonial..."
The last marching practice was early today at 9. I was finally able to pick up my health records from the nurse. Sarita, Courtney, Teresa, Steph and I went to the mall so Steph could look for a job. Courtney ended up getting Sarah's graduation present and then we went to On The Border for lunch. We went back to the school and then Courtney and I ran over to Borders to get a giftcard for Kipp. Now I'm here.
I've been wanting to write my so-called "reflection" on what I think life means upon going on my 18th year. Geeze- what happened to all those good points that I wanted to write down. I guess I'll just start writing.
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So we move on wednesday back to Maryland. I do actually think that I'm going to miss Maine more than I thought I was going to. It's a bit weird that I've gotten to know more better and people better in the last two weeks of senior year verses the three years that I've gone to SHS. I'll start with what I'd have done differently. Overall I would have just "put myself out there" more than I did. I mean I definitely came to SHS with an "I don't care about other people here & I can just be a loner" attitude when I moved to Maine sophomore year.
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This entry is really over the place: later that night after I wrote the last above portion-
My grandmother is here from good old PA. Her (third) husband died over the weekend and I probably shouldn't mention that he was quite an ogre. Other shocking news: my mom got word today that her best friend's husband died today. He was driving to his son's basketball game in Kentucky and he must have swerved off the road and they are thinking that his diabetes kicked in- he didn't take care of his "condition." His son had been in an accident on that same road back in the winter but was ok. Wow. My mom was on the phone still and I walked in to where my dad was and he said that ---had died and I was in disbelief. The one son just graduated from high school two weeks ago and the other son is just eight. My mom's friend is such a good person and has such a strong, honest commitment to her faith. Wow. If you believe in the power of prayer then please pray from Terri, Ryan and Jacob.
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Continuation of "senior musings"
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I have missed out on a number of those "important, supposed to, would-be" teenage things but of course to my own doing. I don't think I'd change too much, who knows.[i] I have definitely learned the value of putting yourself out there[/i]. I've always had issues with getting out of my skin and "comfort zones." Freshmen year indoor track I would have stopped running at the onset of my shin pain and that may of very well salvaged my high school running. It never did work out past that season but I still continue to run on my own and enjoy each moment. Running has always been very spiritual for me. Same with writing. I feel like it helps to connect you with something greater. It's a near perfect metaphor for life. I wrote about why I actually run a long time ago in the tblog valut. When I run nothing and everything matters. It just works. Things just work. I would have maybe been on the tech crew for plays, volunteered, played trumpet or better yet sax perhaps. I didn't feel "comfortable" at SHS until the last quarter of sophomore year. I don't know- junior year was pretty good but it seems like a smugde now. Senior year has been the best.
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Prom in Maryland. It was definitely good to go back and see the people who were still at FHS. Prom was actually a lot of fun, my grining. I watched all the graduates walk in and I was actually glad that I wasn't one of them. I just do not think that I would have grown as much had I stayed in Frederick for all of high school. Sure, I can't say that 100% but I did need to start over. No, Maine has not been totally "bad." I feel as though I've been genuine as I can be here and I never did or felt the need to put on any sort of a front here. I do feel like I became a "young woman" here- I 'hate' that term, ha. I also just feel that I've been a lot of a "nicer" person here too. There is so much that I "shoulda, woulda, coulda" but I do have to move on. My morals/character have been strenghtened over the last three years and that is the most important. I feel as though I've realized a lot of who I am, who I don't want to be etc. and I wouldn't take back/change the experiences that led me to that.
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Korea: Wow. I am going. I am excited. I am nervous. I am near "terrified." It's so hard to try and put into words how I feel about it. I remember a night not too long ago- I was trying to fall asleep but I was feeling every (well, at least a lot, alot) emotion at the same time. It's like I wanted to just jump outta my skin. The last thing I actually wanted to do was sleep. I wanted to run, cry, laugh, scream, be angry, a lot of things. Not just about Korea but about a lot of things. Sure graduation but just a lot of things.
Korea- the land of my birth. I really do not know what to expect. I do know that it will be an emotional experience. I mean I guess part of me thinks it will "provide me with a huge life altering revelation" and in many ways it probably will. [u]So many feelings about it.[/u] I do think that at the end of the three and a half months that I will be ready to come home. I am definitely going to go to the Haewon Maternity home where I was born if nothing else. It's in Masan which is just about twenty miles west of where I'll be living- Gimhae. Perhaps a big part of me isn't letting me feel everything that I do feel about going- I'd freak out.
My adoption has been such a large part of me "mental/emotional" self throughout my life thus far. All the former details are strone across previous blog entries. I do feel that the language will be daunting not just in and of itself but with it's emotional connections. The lanuage in a large way "makes" you Korean. I do not know Korean. While that fact has not necessarily been a point of struggle for me it has been a definite "sore spot." People in general have always asked me, "so you speak Korean right?" I answered- no I don't -- now: I'm trying to learn. I was only four months when I was adopted. I just do not think that most people realize that when you're adopted- in my case- by white parents your culture isn't necessarily in the fore front of life -- daily life. They tried in their own way to preserve it but learning Korean just wasn't something that a white couple would have readily pursued for their now considered "American children."
Yes, in all honesty my adoption in and of itseld has had a lot of "negative"/struggling connotation- especially when I was younger. Now it is not necessarily a struggle. Sometimes I feel guily for having felt that way about it. Actually- recently I've been thinking about adopting. Wow- big step. Way "down the road" and who knows. I do feel like my growth with adoption has allowed me to grown in a lot of other respects.
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Another subject of much past "discontent." Specifically my mom and my aunt then my parents and then my family. I've written plenty about all of that in the past. I do think that the two of them have finally been able to "move on" with their issues that they've held/held back for almost thirty years. It has been a burden- a faily heavy emotional burden to almost everyone in the family. Me- despite how "desensitized" I tried to become it has always stung. The last thing between them- we had invited my aunt up for graduation after the "shit hitting the fan episode." My mom hadn't called her- other details- whatever- my dad was then like, "well someone needs to call her." So I did and yes she is coming. At that point it still felt like man I shouldn't have felt the way I did and then whole thing has just been a sick to the stomach- sort of weight.