-is it worth it- can you even hear me-
07.22.05 (7:02 pm) [edit]Hey kids- another entry- so soon :0
Well today was my first official day of work. The first day of my second job, which is as a cashier at Forever 21 at the Annapolis Mall. I went for an interview on Monday and got the job. I was supposed to start on wednesday but that didn't work out so I was supposed to start yesterday. That also didn't work out because of scheduling issues, which Donna didn't tell me about on wednesday. I worked from about 3:30 to a little before 10:30 when it was all said and done. I had to stand around for the first forty five mins. while Donna was on the phone/messing up my paperwork. She thought my name was Stevie for awhile because she'd been looking at the wrong application. That can be my new nickname. The store is going through "managerial changes" once again and they've been under staffed. Until they hire more people I'm probably going to have to work nights. She put me right on the cash register and I was the only one for the night. She had me close out the register (aka deal with the money) at the end of the night, which I didn't feel 100% comfortable doing/being responsible for- yeah, yeah preposition at the end of a sentence. She also had me call this girl who submitted an application. She told me to leave a message as her about the girl coming in for an interview- I thought that was a bit strange. All in all the first day (night) was fine. I work tomorrow 2-close. I'll work about four weeks and then give my two weeks notice. At this point it isn't all that worth it to have a job across the bay, but whatever.
The majority of the people who work at Forever 21 (I mean just the Annapolis one) are Latino or Asian. Most of the latinos actually "work the store," stock and make everything look "pretty." I try to eavesdrop and pick out what I remember from three years of Spanish, which ended about three years ago. -Today (fridays) are black on black, which I didn't know since I worn brown on denim. Saturdays are white and black and then sundays are white on denim. I guess those are the busiest days and they want everyone to look uniform. Ah Miss Kim- she's the lady who usually gives you a number for the dressing room. She asked me where I was from in her broken English and we both eventually understood that we're both Korean. She then proceeded to ask me something in Korean and then I had to tell her that I don't speak Korean. She gave me a second of silence followed by a puzzled/brush me off type expression. I later asked her where she was from and after two or three rounds I found out that she's from Seoul and I told her that I was going to the Busan area. There are going to be a lot of Miss Kims (figuratively and literally) in Korea... -I was born a Kim but then again most Koreans are Kims.
Other then the work situation finally coming to fruition not much is poppin. I'm still waiting on my AP score. I was going to succumb to the phone report service (aka give them $8 for them to tell me over the phone what my score is)today but given my SS # they couldn't locate my score. Oh well. I don't really care so much about the score itself but it's just because I didn't have the best Euro. experience --teacher. Congratulations Courtney on your 4s- especially in bio- take that Ross!! Haha.
Oh man. Last night I was up combing through my old journals (hand-written ones) from up to about three years ago- August 2003. I was going to write one last night but I just ended up reading through the old ones. The "oldest" one is an actual journal, the second one is more of a note book and now the newest one is a smaller felt bound one. Journal number four will be reserved for Korea. It was pretty interesting to re-read some of the entries. The oldest entry was from just before we moved to Maine- about two weeks before. It was alittle crazy for me to think that there I was writing about moving to Maine and here I am now back in Maryland- three years later. Re-reading I definitely feel like I'm much more "mature" these days. I am so glad that I'm not the person that I was three, four, five years ago. Reading some of the things actually made me cry. Then part of me just wants to burn them. It's just a feeling of wow all those things happened, all those things changed, people changed, I changed, situations and places changed and wow to look back and see where I am today, geeze. In many respects at this point I turned out to be a lot of everything I never wanted/always said I'd never "be," but I don't consider it a mistake. I can't look back anymore and I don't necessarily want to either. Things are only moving forward. Toward the end of the second journal I wrote a recollection of memories from the earliest thing I can remember up to about ninth grade since not much happened in tenth and eleventh and twelfth were/are pretty well chronicled online. I started printing out the online entries from 2004 onward while in the rental in ME but that would take forever even thought I'd love a hard copy of all the online entries. I used to write an entry in a journal and then transfer it over to the blog but I've gotten so slack about writing on the blog and then hand writing it in a journal.
I don't know- lately it's not that it's been hitting me but I'm really realizing how necessary it is for/everyone to just put yourself out there. I don't regret who I was so much or what I chose to do and not do but thinking back there were a lot of times where me being me got in the way me putting myself out there. I am ready to be more outgoing and to seriously just "put myself out there." It's been a long time comin.
In other news- Alexandra and I were supposed to get together recently but unfortunately that flopped due to me- my parents. I'm so sorry Alexandra- and especially about letting you know I couldn't go so late notice!! They weren't so keen on me driving to Frederick or toward Baltimore even though I thought they would. It was basically my mom and the fact that at that point my front tires were in bad shape and our health insurance hasn't kicked in yet because of the move. I am really hoping to drum up some mastermind idea to convince them to let me drive to Frederick before the end of August. Dianna and I had a nice phone conversation earlier this week- those are the times when I wish I could just crawl through the phone lines. I finally got a hold of Hellen too and she thought about coming down last night but it was too last min. to get out of work and I worked today anyway. We're going to try for sometime this week- hopefully. She's going to drive down/over here, which is awesome and so appreciated. Ok this entry turned out to be longer than anticipated.
On another note- lately I miss you, but I've moved on- finding out lie after lie wasn't so fun:
"My love is like the sun that warms me when I am cold,
And like the cool water of the brook that refreshes me
My love knows the secret pleasures of my soul,
And delights with me in fulfilling them.
Who is my love but the soul of my soul,
And the reason for every beat of my heart.
Who fills me with life in the joy of her presence,
And returns to me more than I have given.
Come to me, my love, I die without you.
Each day is eternity, waiting for your touch.
Remove the tears from my eyes and the ache from my heart,
Be closer than my breath, all my days, all my nights."
-Obviously I didn't write this because it's by Phillip Varady Sr. (Excerpted from The Stonebearers) = lie # 24?- who knows...
it's going to be a long flight...
07.20.05 (5:25 pm) [edit][i]Travel[/i] by Edna St. Vincent Millay
(found in collection of her poetry given to me by Helen)
The railroad track is miles away,
And the day is loud with voices speaking,
Yet there isn't a train goes by all day
But I hear its whistle shrieking.
All night there isn't a train goes by,
Though the night is still for sleep and dreaming
But I see its cinders red on the sky,
And hear its engine steaming.
My heart is warm with the friends I make,
And better friends I'll not be knowing,
Yet there isn't a train I wouldn't take,
No matter where it's going.
wow- randomocity
07.14.05 (5:49 pm) [edit]Two entires in the same week- ah the horror!
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It's only 11:00 but I'm actually kind of tired. Still no job. I'm realizing that I'm not very fun to me around- well generally. My mom recently said how she was surprised that I considered myself friendly because she said that I was so standoff-ish. I am shy and serious but I'd still much rather goof off. There are two people that I can be with and have no reservations whatsoever. You know who you are- well one of you does because the other doesn't spend much time online. I don't know- I have the chronic problem of living inside my own head- way too much. It's times like these that I miss you the most. You're probably in Chicago like you said you'd be this summer. How can I miss something that didn't/doesn't even exist? Less than eight weeks until "no dryer." I need to find my tent and "camp out" in the yard before too long. The stars are beautiful here since there's virtually no lights around. I asked and I found out that I do have to take the new SAT to apply for fall 2006. So basically my re-take of the "old" SAT was a big waste of time and money. Still no sign of AP exam score. My teacher looked like Andy Dick. Awhile back Cameron Diaz was on Inside The Actor's Studio and I liked her response to the question: If there is a "heaven" what would you like God to say at the pearly white gates?" She said: "Nice try." I guess you could interpret that two ways. One being nice try as in "nice try sucka but you're not getting in" and the other being "nice try at life." She meant the latter. I re-read Harry Potter 5 this week. Number 6 comes out in two days. I love it. I pre-ordered a copy. I remember being out in Iowa this time two years ago when # 5 came out having not read them and two years later I'm sucked in. I actually like the book that the church in Maine gave me for graduation. It's [i]My Climb Out of Darkness[/i]by Karen Armstrong. In a lot of ways I see myself in her story. The book is only a little over three hundred pages but the print is very small so it's more of a slow read. Still, she definitely has a distinct way with words and you could say that she's an artist who uses words as her paint. She really has a command on her words just like Flavio Risech did in his essay [i]Political and Cultural Cross-dressing[/i]. I read in his essay during first semester English at USM this past school year. He described marriage as the "ultimate accessory of heterosexual couture." That might have more of an impact on you reader if you've read the essay but I won't ramble into the essay but still what a powerful phrase. I'm really glad that in so many ways I've left who I was three or four years ago. Thinking back it was so much "work" and so burdensome to want to have answers to everything. I couldn't live like that now. I nearly drove myself crazy. It is a great freedom to know that I no longer think that my life will be a huge failure if I don't do something "huge" to alter the world. I think I am a lot nicer of a person then I was back then. Back to the Cameron Diaz thing: from time to time I think about "heaven." We really don't have anyway of "knowing" anything for certain. Sometimes I really do consider the thought of reincarnation but much more often I think that we just become part of that something greater that we came from, were and always will be. In all honesty my own death doesn't seem so scary. I actually haven't had/haven't given enough time to examining why Christianity isn't for me. However one good thing that I believe about the whole matter is that Christ is "true love" and that the cruxifiction was/is a direct symbol of the all encompassing love and so if people want to believe in that then it is good. In someways I think not trying to reexamine everything and everything that I was/am and everything I believed/believe has helped me to actually look at myself etc. with more honesty than before. I really do worry about everything. For so long I always tried to deny it. I guess it was the other day that I thought my closet was kind of cluttered. Then my mind when to how I'm going to feel when my parents die and I have to go through all their stuff. Save, get rid of- they have so much stuff. I don't know- it's a bit disturbing that I think of those sorts of things at times. Ok- I really didn't think the entry was going to end up here.
who died and made you such an asshole
07.11.05 (6:04 pm) [edit]I'm not really angry or anything but I've always wanted to ask who died and made you such an asshole- no not you specfically of course! Anyway- I'm eating more of my little watermelon because my tooth hurts- exciting huh? It's the tooth next to my right front tooth. My mom could tell me what number it is. The dentist in Maine told me to get my wisdom teeth out before Korea or "You'll be in for a lot of pain and suffering." -I'm still jobless: and I thought finding my first job up in Maine was a bitch! The only money I've gotten this summer so far has been from graduation, birthday and from selling mine and my dad's cds on Amazon. God bless Amazon for my $132-something so far from the cds.
Right now I'm applying online for CVS at the Annapolis Mall. I applied to a couple of places there. I've been over there three times in the past three weeks. Once with my mom for my mom, once I took my grandmother to Nordstrom's and then back with my mom for both of us. I'm a tight wad- always have been and always will be. I went into Charlotte Russe to apply and I got these light olive green "hobbit" pants because they were on sale. I guess they are supposed to be bermuda shorts but on me the hit just below the knee so I look like a hobbit.
More "aches and pains:" my back is really hurting because I was pulling weeds again for two hours in the sun. Why am I complaining tonight? I didn't get to bed until 3 am last "night." I was replying to some e-mails. http://iiihr.autoffice.co.kr" title="http://iiihr.autoffice.co.kr" target="_blank"http://iiihr.autoffice.co.kr - click on Board and then Album or Free Talk. Evidently the IIIHR website (the Korea program) has a message board up and so the fall semester adoptees have begun to post. No reply back from Mike who e-mailed asking if I was doing the program for sure. I got an e-mail from Robin who's doing the program. I then send out an e-mail to all the participants on the mailing list. I checked out the posts and it's crazy that everything is coming together. So far the participants that I know of are: Robin, Mike, Greg (wan ts to play on the Inje U. soccer team), Marissa, Sue Anne, Mick (says "har,har,har" a lot) and Katherine. Two of them have already been back to Korea at least once and Robin e-mailed me back and she's 24 and from NJ. Based on past semesters I figured that I'd be one of the younger participants . This time in eight weeks I will most likely be in Korea. I know- holy shit. It hit me awhile back but now that all the adoptees are a-buzz with conversation it's really coming up fast. It may sound silly but I'm already missing home. I have been for awhile. I am excited about going and I am going to go for sure. Sometimes though I just don't want to go at all. I really am so nervous. I guess it's just one of those times where I have to suck up my fear and go for it. I know I am going to be so homesick. Evidently we'll have quite a bit of free time in between teaching classes, taking "classes" etc. I definitely don't want this trip to just be a "vacation." I'm hoping that I become close to another adoptee or with my roommate. My roommate will probably be a Korean student but it could be another adoptee.
I've got a running list of things I need to bring with me. I finally broke down and bought the belt bag from UrbanO onl ine since it wasn't going on sale. -I also pre-ordered a copy of Harry Potter 6 tonight and so it'll be at my house on the release day. Courtney- I know you'll share in my excitement! Congrats and getting a job mi amor! Don't steal any jewelery- hehe. I went to my cousin's house outside of Baltimore on Saturday and he just recently got back from Italy and Switzerland- I was so jealous! The pictures from Venice were the best. He asked what was up with Harry Potter and so I proceeded to fill him in but it sounded so funny- full body laugh.-
Back to the Korea craziness: I got my official acceptance letter today in the mail along with a magazine they put together with previous participant's testimonials- a few of which I had spoken with/seen pics. We were talking about it tonight at dinner and somehow my nervousness came up. It's just that sometimes I just want to cry. The other night I actually did- not in front of anyone. I mean I am still definitely excited about the whole experience but I am so uneasy. Just my nature to feel that way? I think the realization of how close it is makes me more uneasy. My mom said something about how she'd feel more uneasy about everything if I had any doubts.
The feeling for me now is kind of like standing on the edge of a cliff or anything for that matter and having from my head down to my ankles falling forward with just my feet still firmly planted. Can you picture that? Still there is no way that I'm not going. My mom said that if after a month if I am mentally sick of it then I should just call and come home early. I have to stick it out no matter what and if I just don't go at all then I'd lose my deposit of $600 and that wouldn't be fun. I don't know. I shouldn't be that nervous, should I? Plus, I can't really pin-point exactly why I have such anxiety about it all. I guess I could back out and stay here and work for a full year but what would the point of that be- I can't back out. Plus, if I did then the first thing I see is how disappointed my dad would be. I don't know.
I fly out from BWI on August 29th with my cousin. She found reasonably priced airfare at skyauctions.com. She hasn't given me the full itinerary yet but then again she hasn't asked for a check yet either- hehe. I still haven't gotten my passport back yet. I have to get that back before I send for my visa. The participants were posting about dealing with money over there and having problems with their visas. A family friend gave me Korean bills for graduation and so I'm sure those will help out. I'll probably bring a credit/debit card and traveler's checks. I'm just hoping that getting my visa doesn't delay anything. I've been in contact with the coordinator, Hee Jung, more lately and now I have to send her six passport size photos.
I've heard that everyone from English Town (dorm) goes on a "training" weekend but it's actually a drinking/game thing. The Koreans love to drink!! The whole drinking scene will be quite interesting for me to navigate. I'm going to join some clubs over there. I know I'll do calligraphy and I might try Taekwando again. I am definitely going to make use of their weight room- get "buff." I am still looking forward to teaching English to the U. students and getting into a routine of sorts- day-to-day things over there.
My dad asked my tonight if I was going to try and find my biological mother since the program is helpful with all of that. I said it would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack- a really big haystack at that. Kim, Deok Im- that's her. I guess if the opportunity to run a search comes up I'll take it but for a long time now I don't need to find her to fulfill anything. She's not my "mother" anyway. Plus, I'm more interested in finding my biological brother but I don't know his name. I sometimes do wonder just out of curiosity whether I do look like my biological parents and which one I look most like. Sometimes I wonder if you could tell whether my biological brother and I were/are siblings. Those are things that I will probably never know but all is well just the same.
I'm going to try my very best to write in a journal every night and then post the entries on tblog and livejournal so it'll be like you're in Korea with me. & nbsp;
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Not too long ago I started writing out thoughts for my college essay. I've known for a long while that I wanted to write about being adopted. I've decided to stay in-state to save on tuition. My first choice is U. MD- College Park and then Salisbury where my brother goes. I might go to U. MD this week for a tour of the campus- everyone I've talked to says it's nice. My brother applied there and did the tour with my dad. I didn't really think that I'd want to go to such a big school but I think there will be more opportunities there. I do like Salisbury though- about 9,000 students and that's a good size. The Salisbury campus is nice and they do offer TESL while U. MD doesn't, but teaching ESL isn't necessarily my top career choice anyway. I like Salisbury but there isn't much to do off-campus and I think I'd rather go somewhere that I don't know specifically. I talked to my good friend's sister who will be a junior at U. MD this fall and she gave me a lot of insight. All in all I actually don't think that waiting to apply after I get back from Korea will affect my chances of getting in. She also said that she didn't think that the SAT was as big of a deal as what they claim. Still, I am definitely not 100% sure that I will get in there. I think it's about 55% chance that I'll get in. The freshmen class (excluding any tranfers) has room for about 4,100 students and the applicant pool is pretty large. On the other hand I don't have much of a reason to doubt that I'll get into Salisbury. I've pretty much made "peace" that I'm not going to the University of Pittsburgh and I'm not even going to apply there.
-Ending here for now... more job applications
& nbsp;
& nbsp; &n bsp; &nb sp; &nbs p; ;